I’m dead exhausted here, trying to get work finished up so I can go to BED and SLEEP, but I had to write this before I forgot.

Just sitting here and my belly gets a funny tingly, prickly sensation. I get a lot of different feelings from down there, depending on what Devin is moving… kicks are obvious, but there are rolls, which feel like my stomach just turned upside-down, and there are stretches, where it feels like he’s stretching my uterus out at both sides. But this one… this one is really hard to place. I poked at my belly and… it was ROCK hard. Lightbulb!! Those are Braxton-Hicks! AH HA!! I’ve been feeling that tingly feeling once or twice a day… certainly nothing alarming at all. I just didn’t put two and two together, I thought it was Devin doing something funny!

It lasted all of 30 seconds then slowly went away. I know BHs are completely normal, so I’m not freaking out or anything. I’m just kind of glad that I figured out what the heck that was!

Preparing for this vacation has meant working double-time Monday and Tuesday to get everything al set and ready to go at work. (That’s the bummer with having a vitally necessary job – can’t just up and leave!) Yesterday I didn’t get home until after 8pm, and then I got to clean the house and pack. My legs are NOT happy with me. At all. I only slept for about 4 hours total (still have more work to do this morning before our flight this afternoon) and I woke up with leg cramps. Yesterday I woke up with a pinched nerve in my hip, and it seems to be re-occurring at the moment. Legs are TOTALLY not happy with me being on my feet all day. Yes, I’m lucky that it’s just my leg. But now I’m seriously worried about how they’re going to do on the plane…. if they’re cramping bad now, how are they going to like being seated for many hours? Yeeks. And yes, I’ve already reserved aisle seats for all my flights. I’m going to have to make sure I stretch them frequently. (And the good part is that we do have two layovers, which stretches out the trip but allows us to walk around airports for a while before getting on another plane.)

But oh boy does my hip hurt. :(

And what is with this constant heartburn the last two days? Yesterday I was trying to figure out what I ate that was causing me heartburn. Now I know… it’s everything. Every time I eat I get the acid burning in the back of my throat. Blech. Hello Maalox.

Off to get my hair cut and pick up a few things before we leave! I will have my laptop with me so don’t be surprized to see posts – and belly pics – even while I’m gone. ;)

Well we are here in Canada! I wrote up a long post while I was in the airport during one of our layovers, but I don’t know if I’ll post it all. I think I’ll summarize. ;)

It was a very stressful day because we were very late getting to the airport and we ALMOST missed our flight. And by “almost” I mean the person behind us in line checking in didn’t get on it. Due to our being so rushed, and the lady at the counter apparently not seeing our bags (so she didn’t check them in with us), we had no time to fix it… she said, “Go! Run!! I’ll take care of these!” So basically we RAN to our gate and trusted her to get our bags properly checked in. And I spent all day freaking OUT that our baggage was NOT going to arrive in Vancouver. We had my camera, laptop, some books, and a lot of snacks as carry-ons… no clothes, none of my medications, none of the christmas gifts. They were all in the checked luggage. In Seattle I made the mistake of asking at a service counter to check if any bags were checked in under our names, and she looked and said, “No.” Cue freaking out and near crying for an hour and a half.

Our bags DID manage to get to Vancouver, just as they should have. I have never, ever been so damn happy to see my luggage come out on the conveyor belt, I swear I nearly started shrieking with joy.

The kiddo enjoyed the flight, or so it seemed. Before we took off on the first flight I looked at Den and said, “It’s the baby’s first flight!” :D And then he kicked all through takeoff and landing, then settled down peacefully once we were in the air.

The flights were okay to me – certainly not as bad as I had feared. My legs are held up okay, though my right knee was having some issues by the end, and my right ankle (why just the right??). What was bothering me, however, was my tail bone. Ouchie ouch. The foam on those seats is not NEARLY adequate enough. I spent one flight sitting on my folded-up winter coat to help take some pressure off my tailbone and onto my buttcheeks. It only helped to a point. I could only stay leaning back in my chair for so long, then I had to shift forward and put my head against the chair in front of me (or rest my chin on my hands), just to shift things around. I’m not really sure I’d want to travel any later in pregnancy, though.

I had to pee a lot though – at least a lot or me. (As I said afterwards, I peed as much as Den normally was, which is very unusual for me!) Before we got on a plane, pee. After we got off the plane, pee. Eat, pee. Repeat. At one point we were hurrying to our gate and I swear I could hear things sloshing around in there with every step. Not pleasant!

The other problem I had I was thankfully prepared for: dry hands. Oh boy do my poor hands take a beating when I travel. I packed a couple tubes of lotion and I used them frequently, just trying to keep some moisture in my skin. That happens every time I fly though, so it’s not a “new” pregnancy thing.

Being here with my family is so great. My parents still live in the house I was brought up in, so it was interesting to walk through the neighborhood with my mom. “That house didn’t look like that last time!” “Those people still live there?” It’s really quite calming to come back here. Everything is so familiar. Being in my parents’ house again… I guess most people don’t get to walk through their house saying things like, “Oh, remember when my childhood cat ripped this wallpaper? You still haven’t repaired it!” “Oh here’s that carpet that I spilled hot chocolate on…” It’s different, sure… they’ve moved some artwork around, redecorated for Christmas in a slightly different style than I’m used to (my mom’s taste has apparently evolved quite a bit! Much more sophisticated than it once was!) but so much is the same.

Things aren’t perfect, though… unfortunately a lot of our family talks have been about one of the dogs, the one who was recently diagnosed with bone cancer. The family has a very tough decision to either let it progress and euthanise her when it gets bad enough, or to amputate the leg and hope it extends her life. The dog is okay for now, but certainly not in the best shape. The tumor is huge now, she has no use of one leg at all. It’s painful to watch her hobble around. Definitely a major bummer this Christmas. Not something we ever, ever want to have to deal with. Our family pets are… well, family.

I’ve spent time all day with my family… sitting and talking with my dad about his trains… talking with mom about Christmas plans and the baby… talking with my brother about his life. It’s so great. I miss this SO much, living in the U.S. I love just laying down on my brother’s bed while he surfs the internet and hearing him tell me all about how his friend is an idiot and that girl did this, and so-and-so wanted to do that. (My brother is 22… and we are very close. I realized that I need to get into the habit of calling him more often, just to chat.) My dad even pulled out a catalog from one of his train companies (he’s a model train hobbiest) and showed me the whole Thomas the Train line of Lionel trains that he said he may just have to get for Devin, “Even though the kid might not be into that sort of thing.” lol

There are so many things I’m still just learning about my family… and every time I come home I realize how much more I miss them all. I mean I’m sitting in the living room just mentioning baby stuff to my dad, and he says totally out of the blue, “Use those natural cloth diapers. They’re so much better for the environment, and they’re not all that hard. No crap going in the landfills.” I was rather speechless. I knew my mom used cloth on us, but I had never ever heard my dad mention them, much less in a positive light. I guess I had just sort of falsely assumed that mom had wanted to, and dad has shrugged and gone along with it. And here he’s talking about landfills? I realized just then… THIS is where I get my earthy-crunchy side. In MA I feel like a bit of a big huge black sheep, in Den’s family I’m really the odd one out on so many things. I guess I never really thought of my own family as very earthy-crunchy at all. I never thought about it, period. Now the reality is staring me in the face: I am not nearly as much the rebel as I thought I was. Yes, I was a bit headstrong (haha) and I certainly have my own, very strong opinions about things and I did butt heads with my mom and dad a lot. But here I realize that who I am is in LARGE part due to how I was raised. Things like cloth diapers and breastfeeding was never promoted to me, not at all. They were never even mentioned until I got pregnant! But the whole mentality of doing what’s natural… I guess I was kind of infused with it.

Tomorrow morning we are getting up early to go shopping while the stores are still quiet. We have to finish our Christmas shopping here in Canada, didn’t want to buy everything in the U.S. and have to pack it all! (Only some things.) So I guess for now I had better get some sleep. :)

There’s so much I want to write about, and yet I don’t want to take the time to sit here and write! Yesterday I let Den use the laptop all evening while I went shopping with mom and then wrapped gifts in the evening. It’s so much fun just to sit on the floor and wrap while talking and joking with my husband. I just love having him here! We’re both so relaxed and not stressed out… we’re really having fun enjoying our time here and we seem to be relating better than ever. I’ll be sad when he goes home! (He leaves a week before I do… pout.)

I do think I’m putting on weight though… my mom keeps us well supplied with good meals and snacks! She does offer a lot of veggie plates, but then she comes around with cookies, lol.

We watched The Polar Express yesterday. What a freaking bizarre movie. Just far too weird for me, I totally didn’t get it. Den insisted on watching the whole thing because he wanted to see how it ended (he said the ending was the only part that made sense). My parents had already seen it and they too agreed that it’s a weird, weird movie. I can’t belive it’s so popular! I think it’d give me nightmares as a child. (And that’s saying a lot, since the movie we were watching before mom came in was Alien Vs. Predator!)

My sleeping patterns are all messed up… I’ve been getting up early morning when Den does, and then in the evening I am still not tired enough to go to bed. I think I’m just too excited to be here, I don’t want to waste time sleeping!

And yet… now I am so tired.

Still have to take my weekly pics…. or get Den to take them of me. I do look like crap right at the moment though… I need a shower first! lol

Can I just say how much I love my husband? True, he can be somewhat of a pain in the butt sometimes, and we frequently disagree… but I just couldn’t imagine my life with anyone else. Even though I’m here visiting my family, it’s so nice to cuddle up in bed with him at the end of the day and whisper and giggle and talk. The best part of having a husband is just having someone who is always there – will always be there. He’s my second set of hands when I need something held, he’s my second set of eyes when I need another opinion. He’s my sounding board, my support system. And he rocks.

Christmas Eve is nearly upon us! How exciting! There was originally going to be 26 people at the Christmas Eve dinner, but the number has increased by 4 as some more of mom’s relatives showed up yesterday! It was supposed to take place here at my parent’s house, but after counting how many people were coming they decided to have it at her sister’s… they have a much larger entertaining space. I’m really looking forward to it this year. :) It’s been a while since I was able to come (three years ago was the last time), so I guess it’s been long enough for me to really miss it!

Pregnancy still going very well. Heartburn is frequent, so I’ve been popping Rolaids and Maalox chewables (should have gotten the liquid… now I know). I’m eating like a horse though. I’m snacking pretty constantly. Today sitting at the table before while mom cooked up some soup for dinner, I was snacking on celery and peanut butter, and she’s telling me what all she puts in the soup. I say between bites, “Can we have orange rice too??” She stared at me like I was an alien from outer space, and then laughed so hard she nearly fell over. She said she’s SO not used to me eating like this, she hardly knows who I am… and she finds it hilarious. (Umm, if you haven’t picked up on it, I have always been an extremely picky, light eater. Thus me being all of 105 lbs through highschool and college.)

Today we all went to the hobby/garden shop where my dad works so dad could show us around. It’s a pretty neat place! Lots of trains. Model trains is his big hobby… he works in the train section. I happen to be quite fond of trains myself… I never really thought it was more than normal, but Den laughs and says my eyes light up when I see a train, so I guess I’m more fond of them than I thought. Anyways, so dad and I have been talking about what to get Devin when he’s old enough. I’m quite excited to someday get him a neat set like I had as a kid. All Cory and I had was a small oval of track with two engines and a couple of cars, but we used to push that engine as fast as it could and still stay on the track until it went flipping off, rolling across the floor. (These are not small trains, about 4″ high and the locomotive was pretty heavy!) We’d howl and shriek with laughter and do it again.

So anyways, later today I was laying on my parents’ bed while they wrapped gifts on a table in their bedroom, just chatting away. I mentioned something about the baby moving around a lot, and my dad came over and put his hand up to my belly and said, “Think Lionel trains! Think Lionel trains!” Sure made me laugh. I really wasn’t sure dad was going to acknowledge my pregnant belly much at all, I know babies just aren’t his “thing” and he’s always been very… well, not un-enthused, that’s the wrong word. It’s not that he wasn’t happy for me to be pregnant, but my dad doesn’t get excited about much. When I told them I was pregnant he said, “Oh good.” That’s just how dad is. So for my dad to come up and talk to my belly? Craziness. But the good kind.

Even when I chat about my belly off-hand, like I go to lean forward to grab something and go “Oomph! Oops, can’t do that anymore…” My dad just chuckles and says, “I guess not!”

My mom is, of course, extremely thrilled that I am here, that I am pregnant, and that she is able to see the belly in person. She’s been stuffing me with food. I am hungry all the time so it’s a good thing, but she’s always asking me what else I want to eat. I’m going to gain 20lbs! lol But she is having a great time, and showing me off to everyone. She’s so proud! She’s going to be a fantastic grandmother. I really wish we lived closer. :( I’m trying to convince them to move to Ontario, but I highly doubt that would ever happen, especially with all of mom’s extended family around here. They’re so tied to this area in ways that I never was or could be, leaving would be extremely traumatic for them. So instead we’re just going to have to come up with transporters.

Jeez, Devin just kicked hard enough to shake my whole belly. He’s been so active tonight!

We had a very nice Christmas Eve, it was wonderful food and good company. I ate a ton (two helpings, plus some pie) and then felt rather uncomfortable all evening. Oops. Now I’m getting some heartburn, hope the Maalox helps with that.

Notable moment of the evening was after we’d all moved to the living room for gift opening, I was sitting leaning up against Den. Devin started kicking a ton on my left side – which is unusual for him, he’s almost always on my right. Well he was kicking up such a storm I poked Den and told him to put his hand there. Den got to feel a lot of big bumps! His hand was actually being visibly jostled by the kicks. His eyes were wide, he was so thoroughly excited by it! Then he called my mom over, who has been dying to feel a kick, and she got to feel some little kicks too. (She was all, “Oh I felt something!! I felt something again!!”) Then one of my cousins came over and felt a kick. :D Devin was certainly in a sharing mood tonight!

I guess Devin likes holidays… first time Den felt a kick was Thanksgiving.

::

After we got home, Den fell asleep and my parents, brother and I stayed up talking for a little bit. Then the parents went to bed and my brother and I moved down to his room and stayed up talking for another 2+ hours. The kind of relationship he and I have… it’s hard to explain. I think we’re closer than most siblings, especially boy/girl siblings. We’ve always been like that. It’s one of the things I miss most about living so far away… just laying around talking for hours with him. Sometimes I get the feeling that he tells me more than he tells even his closest friends… certainly more than he tells our parents. And it’s funny because we’re worlds apart in terms of the lifestyles we lead – there’s only 3 years between us, and yet I’m married and expecting a baby, living the domestic lifestyle… he’s still going clubbing and dating and dealing with friendship drama. Maybe that’s why he’s okay with telling me all of it… I’m removed from it all.

I know he’s dealing with a lot right now – his dog has terminal cancer and it’s really weighing him down in a bad way, but it’s totally understandable. To be honest I was really worried about him before I came… we hadn’t talked much, and I wasn’t sure how he was handling it all. But after talking (for hours upon hours in the past week) I see him working through it and I’m greatly relieved. It’s a shitty situation all the way around, and of course he’s going to feel angry at the world and pissed off and short of patience for everything else. But he is definitely working through it in a positive way and I know he’ll be fine in the end.

I am really proud of my brother, for who he is, who he’s become. He’s a smart kid, and a really good guy at heart. Other people may not always see it, but he does have a heart of gold. He likes to play the tough guy and not give a shit, and he certainly has an acerbic sense of humor and a disdain for playing games – he’s very blunt and to the point and he’ll say what’s on his mind, he doesn’t skirt around things. But I see the way he is with his dog, I see the loyalty he has for his best friend. He’s a really good person and I’m so happy to call him my brother.

I realize I need to call him more often. He and I may not really fit into the rest of the extended family all that well, and those ties may not always hold so strong – but him and I, we need to maintain what we have. It’s something special.

STRESS IS….

… driving 45 minutes into the airport to arrive an hour and a half before Den’s flight (I’m staying an extra week), getting ready to have him check in, and having him pull out MY PASSPORT instead of his. We both look at each other like, “HOW???” I mean, one’s an American passport, one’s Canadian, and mine has the corner chewed off (dear Zoe’s fault). How the HELL could we have mixed them up??

Mom and dad both drove us in. Cue panic. Call brother, multiple times. Since it’s 5am and it’s not a work day for him, he’s asleep and doesn’t answer. Mom and dad race home to get the passport, even though Den and I are fairly sure there is no way for them to get back in time. I keep calling my brother and send him a text saying it was an emergency, please call.

Cory was the savior… he woke up, called me, and did drive in with the passport. Den had already checked himself in and printed off his boarding passes, so all he had to do was grab the passport and run through security and customs. I rode back home with Cory. On the way I got a text message from Den saying he was on the plane. I don’t know how he did it, but oh thank the light!!

The whole time I was trying to stay calm… just breathing and trying to focus on remaining positive. But I still think Devin picked up on it, as he really started kicking me and moving around. I apologised to him.

I admit I am probably the epitome of pathetic, but Den left this morning, it’s not even 1 day later and I’m already feeling kind of lost and lonely without him.

Just to rewind time, I’ll point out that he and I spent our first three dating years separated because I was away at college. We wouldn’t see each other for 4 months at a time. So being here in my parents’ house (where I lived during college) without him around just brings back all kinds of lonely feelings!

I’m having a fine time with my parents and brother, the house is rarely ever empty… but it’s still strange to walk into my bedroom and not have Den napping on the bed or playing on the computer, like he has been the last few days. It’s always so reassuring just to sit on the floor beside him and just… be together. I sure miss it when he’s not around.

Off-topic for this journal, but… it’s my blog.

Bad news today. X-rays taken at the vet appointment today show that brother’s dog’s cancer has spread to the rest of her body. The tumor on her leg has gotten huge, which is obvious, and now she has small tumors in her chest. She doesn’t have long left… vet wouldn’t give a timeframe, but I’m thinking it’ll be weeks, at most a month. The family is trying to deal with the reality of losing her, even though she is still here. She’s only 3 years old, too. Fucking sucks, man.

My brother just had to compare bellies with me. LOL!