I don’t know how many of you are water babies such as myself, but to me the pool is a place of great comfort and relaxation. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t absolutely love the water. I know such a time existed, as I have the proof: photos of “mommy and me” swim classes when I was under a year old… photos in which I am screaming my poor baby head off. (It was so bad, allegedly, that my dad had to leave and not watch.) But obviously something clicked right since after that they had to drag me out of any pool.

Den spent the day at a charity golf tournament, and I went over to our friends’ house. They had a broken computer, and of course they have a lovely, heated in-ground pool. (It was only 82 degrees in the pool today. The shame!) So all day I alternated between attempting to fix their computer, piddle-assing around on my own laptop on projects, floating in the pool, and laying in the sun. I think it was one of the best things I could have done right now.

There is just nothing better than laying half on an inner tube, floating carelessly in a pool with your legs in the nice cool water, kicking lazily. Or diving under the surface to swim along the bottom. I LOVE that feeling. I love having water all around me. I love feeling the water slide between my fingers and toes as I swim. I love how all sound gets muffled, and the sunshine reflects off the ripples on the surface and dances along the bottom. It is just… sigh… perfection.

Laying in the sun was also nice and relaxing, much to my surprize. I’ve never, ever been a “sun worshipper” – I think mainly because my skin is so pale that I burn before you could sneeze. So all my life that lovely sun-on-your-skin warmth has always been the signal for Shit! Shit! Get into the shade! But today I slathered on the SPF 55 and just layed there to enjoy it a little bit. And it was nice. I think I’ve gone a little batty being inside all the time, and my body needs a little vitamin C. Sunlight is just so lovely.

I didn’t spend very long in the sun (when it got too warm I’d move into the shade to play with my laptop), and I re-applied the sunscreen, but apparently I didn’t too such a great job on the re-application. My shoulders and face are fine. My arms however… red streaky patches. Oh yeah. So sexy. But the good news is that I actually have a bit of a tan on my stomach, legs, and arms. Who knew it was even possible??

It really made me realize that I need to get out of the house and actually find some way to unwind myself. I like to think retiring to the bedroom with my laptop is unwinding, but there’s only so much relaxing one can do while still tethered to the object you do work on. It’s one of the hardest parts of being a computer freelancer. I was thinking maybe I should spend some time on weekends working on some scrapbooks or something. Something not computer related at the very least.

However that is going to have to start next weekend because tomorrow I unfortunately have work to get done. Hopefully I can clear a little bit off my plate and open up my weekends for myself again. My wouldn’t that be nice.

My period hasn’t started yet, which is a bummer, but she is on her way. I’m feeling all kinds of cramps and heaviness and a slight bit of nausea as well. AF while after the pill sure is weird, isn’t it. In my normal cycles I don’t get near as much fore-warning.

Today I am having a major anxiety attack over some work-related things. I took a nap and woke up in full-blown anxiety attack. Lovely, no? Just what I wanted.

First a little plug for my other site – on Baby Blogorama I’m hosting a Blog Blast. Go check it out! Even if you’re not a regular reader of Baby Blogorama, write up a post and send it in. I’m so looking forward to reading all the different stories people have. I’ll be writing mine up later in the week.

::

My period is… thinking about starting. There is blood happening this evening. This is a good sign. It does, however, seem reticent to actually start flowing. It is spotting… sort of.

::

A good forum buddy of mine (I call them “forum buddies” to differentiate from “blog buddies” and “longtime buddies” but they are so much more than simply friends on a forum) loaned me a book: Inconceivable, by Julia Indichova. It arrived today in the mail, a package sitting in the mailbox waiting for me. I always get excited when I get packages, even if I’m also perplexed because I know I haven’t recently ordered anything.

I said to my husband as I opened the package, “My friend read this book and got pregnant shortly after. Then she loaned it to another friend of mine and she got pregnant too.” (One from IVF, the other IUI.)
“What are you waiting for?” he said in reply. “Start reading!”

So I did.

The first couple of chapters didn’t really help my sulky mood. She already has a child. She’s over 40 with high FSH. She knows nothing about my situation. Doctors won’t touch her, she’s going to chinese herbalists! This isn’t at all like my journey.

But then it really started to take hold of me. And it wasn’t what I expected. I don’t know what I expected – I just know that this wasn’t it. It was what I needed to hear right now. I am still trying to figure out why.

It wasn’t because I think that what she did will get me pregnant. Not only do I not have the same problems as she did, but I do still firmly think that our problem is quite medical and probably will only be bypassed by IVF. That certainly hasn’t changed. I am not going to run out and drink wheatgrass or see a chinese herbalist.

But there were a few paragraphs in there that really made me stop and think about my life and how I’m living it.

There was a point, before and during IVF#1, that I was trying to put myself – my body – first. I was feeling de-stressed and very positive about the cycle, I was attempting to eat healthy and exercise. Maybe the bulk of it was before IVF#1 even came into being, but it was in the past year. And I felt good. I don’t even know what happened, but it all fell apart. I can name some outside factors that changed, but I know the real culprit was inside me. I gave up trying. Things got hard, I fell behind, and I quit.

When IVF#1 failed I really threw in the towel. I’ve been miserable. But more than being miserable I gave up. Not on our treatments, obviously – but on me. When I feel depressed – even if it’s not full-blown depression (which this wasn’t, at least not for more than a day or two) – my willpower goes out the window. Eat healthy? Fuck that, I feel like cake. Exercise? I’m miserable, I’m going to stay in bed. Be productive? I want to wallow.

The worst part is that it’s a self-perpetuating spiral. I’ve gained around 4lbs just since last cycle, and am truly at my highest weight ever – and I know it’s not because of any medications. I say it doesn’t matter, that I’m okay with it, but you know that inside that just makes me feel more miserable, more inclined to giving in next time because “well it’s already gone this far.” And the stress, oh the stress! Just like stress doesn’t cause infertility, stress did not cause my current state of mind. My state of mind caused a great standstill and that has caused my current stress.

I feel incompetent, because I have been slacking and falling behind. For me – forever dealing with OCPD and depression – the feeling of falling behind is the most horrible thing ever. It’s why I gave up on my original healthy kick. It’s the fear that no matter how hard I try it will never be good enough – that no matter what I do now, the past has irrevocably ruined my chances to be on schedule again. Whether that’s time-wise, or organization-wise, or whatever schedule or order my brain has cooked up. And this constant struggle, to want to be better – no, to want to be perfect – and the overwhelming and constant feeling of failure leads to a hell of a lot of stress and unhappiness.

Which puts me at today. This book, for whatever reason, was a gentle slap on the cheek. It’s time to stop wallowing and start doing. It’s time to stand up and take control again. Maybe I can’t change the outcome of my cycles – but I can change me in the meantime.

I don’t have to live 20lbs overweight, I don’t have to live with the feeling of constantly being behind, and I certainly don’t have to live in a state of misery. Maybe I won’t lose those 20lbs before getting pregnant – maybe I won’t ever lose them. But I can put my feet on the right path and be proud of myself for it. I can never get myself “caught up” on everything I’ve ever fallen behind on. But this is not an exam. People are not watching me, taking score. I am not getting graded by how perfectly I accomplish everything. And I am certainly not gaining points by how MUCH I can accomplish. I am draining myself and for no good reason.

I need to set myself a plan of action, instead of waking up at 3am worrying about all those niggling things that “need to be done”. (That was last night.)

* Food. I’ve been thinking about food all day, even before I read the book. I read once that eating protein can help your eggs… and that caffeine can be not so good. I already drink no coffee or soda, but chocolate is my downfall. Cutting back on that could help my cycle… but it will definitely help my hips. So let’s edge back towards what I was attempting to do before: no fad diets, no radical changes. Stop eating the chocolate and the junk “comfort foods” and start fueling my body with good things.

* Organization and Procrastination. Oh these are my two arch-enemies. I want so so badly for everything to be organized it can literally hurt me inside when it’s so effed up around here. But here comes my good friend Procrastination, egged on by a good helping of Holy Fuck I’ll Never Fix This. I need to start tackling small chunks and telling Procrastination to bother someone else. Oh, FlyLady…

* Work projects. Let’s make a list (started that today) and just get them done. No more “extra” projects after I complete my current ones. I do enjoy doing them, but I need to focus on my business right now, and I need to simplify. And I need to keep one very very important thing in mind: how important really is this project/call/email? Is it important enough to intrude on my peace of mind? Is it as important as my IVF, my home, my family? No. So let it go. I’m going to set up a schedule, and I need to start leaving my work concerns behind at “work”, even if “work” may be right here on my laptop. There is a time for work, and there is a time for me – and for my own sanity I need to draw a line between them and stop letting it all bleed over.

* Mind myself. As I have mentioned before, I need to give myself more attention, more time. Whether it is scrapbooking that I am “behind” on (see above), knitting, my own website and pet projects (note that baby blogo falls under a pet project, not a work project – it’s actually fun and fulfilling my own needs and desires, not someone else’s) or reading, I need to schedule time for myself. And this is not time to stress out. This is time to unwind, to be at peace. Time to rebuild myself. Retreating to bed and being miserable is not rebuilding myself. At least not the way I’ve been doing it. I needed time to grieve – but I should have given myself equal time to redirect myself. I didn’t.

Life shouldn’t be a constant struggle… struggle with deadlines, projects, organization, emotions. After so much of it I can’t keep it up. It’s time to de-clutter my life, re-focus on my priorities, and remind myself that I am in control of myself.

There’s a chance all this resolve won’t survive until morning. But there’s a chance it will. In the morning I go to work, and hopefully I do it with a much better sense of clarity.

I finished the book today, and I just couldn’t suppress my eye rolling at the little “stories” at the end from other women who got pregnant from taking herbs and meditating, even though they were 40 and their doctor told them they would need IVF. Sorry, just not buying it.

I do, however, feel like there is something to be said about mind/body health and fertility. And one paragraph in a story made me think of something that hadn’t really occurred to me before: Den. I’ve been focussing so much on me, because I’m the egg-grower, I’m the one who gets the shots and the ultrasounds, and of course because I’m the only one whose body I inhabit. (An important distinction.) But there are two of us involved here. And, furthermore, while there is no real evidence to support a conclusion, the doctor did mention that it’s usually a male factor when it comes to fertilization. Plus there are other things that make us think that – like the fact that Den was previously married and never conceived with her either.

Den has… health issues. Not huge major trumpets-blaring issues. I think it’d be a hell of a lot easier to get him to the doctor if that were the case. (Although, considering his recent major tooth issue, he still wouldn’t go.) But he has persisting problems.

The main one being headaches. He gets headaches constantly. He actually takes two advil before driving to his mom’s (40 minutes away) or he’ll spend the entire day at his mom’s with a massive headache. He goes to a chiropractor monthly for an adjustment, which helps momentarily, but it always comes back. I get so frustrated that he has to go every month to the chiropractor… I feel like it’s not fixing anything at all.

The other problem he has is exhaustion. He’s been going to bed before 11pm at night, and his alarm goes off at 6am on weekdays. I argue with him that he should be getting 8 hours of sleep a night, but he refuses to lose any more of his free time. But regardless, 7 hours is decent if not perfect, and on weekends he frequently gets more than 7. The hours he gets he doesn’t always sleep well… he snores, which I think is part of the problem. (But I really don’t think it’s sleep apnea, because I’d know if his snoring was weird… unfortunately his snores are very punctual every few seconds. Drives me crazy.) We have a new, expensive mattress that isn’t perfect, but is far from bad. He tries to get good sleep. And yet he is always exhausted. He complains about it daily (or so it seems to me). He’s frustrated; I’m frustrated.

Obviously something is out of whack in his body. I sure as hell don’t know what, and neither of us have much of a clue what to do. He doesn’t really want to go to the doctor just because he’s tired. (Plus they usually just give a prescription for something. I went to my doctor a long time ago about back problems, and he checked me out and said there was nothing wrong. Which did NOT solve my back pain in the least.)

I definitely feel like I am far more in touch with not just my emotions and state of mind, but my body as well. It’s not an accident – I’ve learned to be very in touch with myself ever since my depression started. I have to be very aware of what’s going on inside me. Plus I’ve always felt strong resistance to artificial methods… to things outside my personal control. (This is a large part of my wanting a non-medicated birth, too.)

Den’s lacking that connection. He’s the kind of person who would take four advil before a baseball game and play through the pain of his bad shoulder (past injury). A typical man, I guess… his body not working the way it “should” is an obstacle to him, something that needs to be endured and pushed past. I worry about what effect it’s going to have on him later. He’s 41 now… how is he going to feel at 60 if he just keeps “pushing through it”?

I get very worried about my husband. Him and his dog are so much alike. He has a large German Shepherd who acts like a canine tank. He plows right into things, steps on whatever is in his way without even bothering to take note of it, knocks things over on a regular basis, and doesn’t even blink when he slams his head into the underside of a table. It astounds me. (And annoys me, since I’m usually the person getting plowed into and stepped on.)

So, I don’t know, is it possible that whatever is putting the rest of his body out of whack is affecting his sperm? I know men aren’t nearly as likely to be spiritual or into that mind/body connection, and most men have perfectly normal, working sperm. But it’s a thought. Maybe there’s something to be said about energy flow or whatever you want to call it. I’m not at all a spiritual person… but it’s not such a far-fetched concept, scientifically – the idea that one thing affects another. Makes perfect sense to me.

I wonder how I can get him to consider trying things differently… considering new viewpoints. I wonder what there is to consider besides traditional medicine. Accupuncture? We’re not going to veer too far off the path into the strange and mystical. I fully believe in IVF… and I believe it’s our very best chance to get pregnant. But anything we could do to try to help… well, it couldn’t hurt, right?

At the very least we need to start trying something, anything, that could help with the headaches and the exhaustion. I just don’t know how much longer he can keep going like this. He’s always had problems but recently he has just seemed to be more and more run down.

For those in New England, take note: Resolve of the Bay State is hosting their annual Infertility and Family Building Conference on October 27. A ways away, but start planning. ;) This one’s quite a bit closer to me than the AFA Conference in New York. I found the AFA Conference to be so very valuable, so I’m looking forward to the Resolve one!

So my baseline was this morning. Everything looks just as it should be – my worries of a giant cyst were completely unfounded. I had more antral follicles than my first IVF (10 on the left, 8 on the right), which is good… but the U/S tech said that sometimes after the pill antral follicles can hide in there and be difficult to count, and that’s obviously what happened last cycle seeing how many eggs I actually grew. They’re not anticipating anything different this month. They did drop my starting dose down slightly to help prevent my estrogen from running off again and have a little bit steadier growth. That’s all. The nurse said to come back next Tuesday – if my doctor thinks that’s too long to wait she’ll call me.

Taking my blood only required one try today, and no hunting under my skin. That made me happy.

I went grocery shopping this morning on the way back from my appointment. It was the latest step in my promises to myself – to eat healthier, to treat my body better. Now I had already been doing okay with it for the past year – I’d switched to organic when possible, cut out almost all junk food snackies, more fruits and veggies (mostly strawberries and bananas for Den).

Today I pushed it a little further. I added peaches and plums and raspberries and tomatos to my cart. I added a vanilla soy protein drink. (Protein, so I’ve heard, is good for developing mature eggs.) I tried some soy crisps as a healthy snack. I almost almost tried some soymilk but that was too scary for me… I am very picky about my milk. (I’m a milk snob… seriously, I’m now at the point that I can’t stand the taste of non-organic milk.) I also bought some whole wheat flatbreads to eat.

I think the biggest problem I have with food is that I really don’t know what to do with healthy foods. I don’t know what to make with them; I don’t good meals that don’t require a bunch of yummy cheese or cream. I’m still working on it. I really want to make a change. And I really want to get back to cooking meals. I enjoy cooking. (That still surprizes and amuses me.) I just am not always thrilled about eating what comes out of the oven…

I told Den we’re going on a diet and he is all for it. I just hope we can follow through.

I got hungry this evening, as usual. So I ate a peach (previously cut-up and put in a ziploc container – good idea).

I am so pissed off tonight and it has nothing to do with fertility. Which could be seen as a good thing… or it could just piss me off further because damnit don’t I have enough crap to worry about right now? My washer, my brand new FUCKING washer, is STILL BROKEN. After getting the drum replaced. Still leaked. And the assholes who manufactured it are just going to send out the repairmen again – you know, at some point NEXT WEEK – to attempt to fix it again. Which means we will now be at least 3 weeks without a washer before we get it working.

Both Den and I are beyond pissed off…. and we are thisclose to calling Home Depot and telling them we would like to return the merchandise for a refund. Only the thought that it’s going to take another several weeks to get a new one shipped to us is preventing me from doing just that. I am so done with this. And I am just so ticked that neither company – not LG nor Home Depot seem to really be motivated to keep our business. Unlike weddings, selling appliances is a repeat business. And we will not be buying any more LG appliances that’s for damn sure. When you buy a brand new appliance you expect it to work – and if it doesn’t work, you expect it to get replaced quickly.

I think the part that gets me so angry is that if either one of those two companies had said, “Oh dear, that’s terrible! Here, we’ll be shipping you a new one right away,” we would have been fine. Annoyed, but reassured. We would have had a new washer that worked and we would have felt appeased by someone immediately fixing the problem.

Instead, we get LG saying HD is supposed to replace new appliances, HD saying they have nothing to do with it once we purchase it, and no one actually fixing the problem. No, strike that: the original problem was fixed, the drum is replaced, but now it’s leaking somewhere else, god only knows where or what. It’s a piece of shit in my opinion.

Though hell, maybe the repairmen who took it apart today didn’t hook something up correctly. As nice as they both were, I couldn’t say I was completely reassured today. (Though, yes, he did run the washer to make sure it worked. It did. And didn’t leak. …. until it hit the rinse/spin cycle. THEN it leaked. After he was gone and we had put in our bedsheets.)

Okay, I am really trying to calm down. I don’t need this stress. (But it’s really hard not being pissed off when every time you think about it you flare up into a temper fit and want to get on the phone immediately and tell the first person who answers the phone at LG to go to hell and take their damn machine with them.)

::

And here are some completely random things about today:

Day three of stims is done, and today I could barely feel the injection at all. I think my stomach is less sensitive more towards the side than down the center around my belly button. Anywhere close to my belly button sends some really weird, painful tingles right into it. I apparently have a very sensitive belly button. (No really – I can’t even really clean it without having weird painful twitches.)

I don’t know if it’s dinner or stress or the stims, but tonight I’m not feeling good… I’m sitting/laying in bed, and my stomach and my lower back are both aching. Doesn’t matter how I sit, it hurts.

AF is all but over… just spotting now.

Remember me mentioning that vanilla chai soy protein drink I bought last time I went grocery shopping? It is the best shit ever. I really expected it to taste nasty, but it tastes just like my chai tea drink, but cold and with a hint of vanilla. I’m only having a glass a day, but it’s good stuff. (The Ensure protein milkshakes, on the other hand, really DO taste like shit. Gag. And the ingredients list looks nasty too!)

I had one White Russian today when we stopped by the club (on the military base) on our way home. I got really quite tipsy from just that one drink, it was fabulous. They didn’t have normal vodka so they made it with vanilla vodka (did I mention how much I love vanilla?) and they didn’t have milk so they used half-and-half, which made it taste totally good and be totally bad for my hips all at the same time. Den would have bought me two but one was too many calories. But oh were they GOOD calories.

Now I think I really need some sleep, between the one drink and the pissed-offedness I’m exhausted.

Please note that it is a very bad idea to step on the scale during stims, especially not right after a big party that you ate too much at. Holy effing christ.

Had my second ultrasound this morning. It’s all looking quite good. My left side has a 14, 13, 10, and 9 at less than 10mm (12 total), my right side has a 14, 13, 13, 12.5, 12, and 6 less than 10 (11 total). Those are some good numbers, right on par for last time… but hopefully this time my E2 hasn’t gone crazy.

I still have some baking to do, the nurse is expecting retrieval to be on friday or saturday! Yay!! I’m hoping for a saturday retrieval, simply because if it’s on friday I’ll have to take the day off work and come in saturday, which, judging from last time, could be a very unpleasant day to work. Maybe I’ll just come in on wednesday instead.

Random annoyance: even though I went to the bathroom right before going in to the RE’s office, I still had the overwhelming need to go potty ASAP while sitting half-naked on the exam table waiting for them to come in. Ugh! It’s the worst part of ultrasounds! I ended up just laying back on the table (they have a pillow there for you!) and trying to relax while waiting. Once they come in, of course, I am fine because I’m so busy looking at the U/S screen and jotting down notes… I forget all about me laying there being wanded. (Except when they have to press a little to catch my ovary. That’s uncomfortable.)

Oh the fun of ART.