…. I have spotting. :( Perhaps getting a beta tomorrow will no longer be a problem.

Edit: My head is a roiling mass right now. I want to post a long, frustrated, angry, upset entry, but it’s so muddled right now it wouldn’t make any sense and I’d probably look back tomorrow and think, “WTF was I thinking??” But I’m just sitting here clicking the same forums again and again to check for updates and letting my head try to muddle through it. This roller-coaster ride SUCKS, it absolutely SUCKS. I am completely at the mercy of my body and whatever spirits are out there putting me through this and I hate the feeling of helplessness more than anything in the world.

Checked again – spotting more. Although it’s more like lots of CM with some pink in it. I am waiting for AF to start. It’ll be a miracle if I wake up tomorrow morning to find it all gone away again… and I personally don’t believe in miracles, not for me at least.

Not sure about the dinner and band we’re going to see tomorrow. I was expecting to get AF earlier this week and be able to just deal with it. If I get AF tomorrow morning I really don’t think I’m going to feel like going out and partying with friends. Den will probably insist I go to dinner, at least to get my mind off of everything – but I don’t know how much I’ll feel like going out afterwards to a club to see a band play. I might just ask Den to take me home. Depends how horrible I feel at the dinner.

No red flow yet, but definitely heavier spotting. I don’t feel any of the normal AF symptoms, no heavy feeling, so it’s really weird. But I’m glad I waitied until Friday.

I layed in bed for an hour, lights off, trying to sleep. Nothing. No-thing. Cannot sleep. Grrrrrrr.

Well there was no gush, no trumpets heralding the arrival of AF. Which is kind of pissing me off, because I could really use a 2×4 instead of a suggestion, you know? When I woke up this morning I felt… nothing. And I was all kinds of “WTF?!” I peed – in a cup, to test again before calling the RE – and only when I was done did I see blood on the tissue when I wiped. Yeah. So I’m pretty sure the game is over this month. Again – I could use the 2×4.

I have to call the RE anyways to let them know it’s CD1 and get my clomid ordered, which I am concerned about because I’m willing to bet you money the insurance office is closed for the holidays and they won’t be able to approve my clomid again. That pisses me off, people. What luck, to have AF start just in time for Thanksgiving on one hand and Christmas on the other. And hey, I even get to still have my period on Christmas itself! Great! Just what I wanted under the tree!

I guess the pee sticks weren’t lying. Not sure if I’m happy about that or not. At least I still have the expectation of seeing that line pop up someday. (Because I’ll be honest – as much as I totally want to be pregnant, I don’t really want to find out through a phone call and have the pee sticks lying to me. I need to SEE it damnit or it won’t seem real. ‘Course if that’s what happened I would gladly take it… )

PS – I am feeling extremely crabby this morning. Not in tears, just very very crabby.

So tonight we did indeed go out, and thankfully we didn’t stay out as late as we initially intended. I did indeed get drunk as planned, and unfortunately am now paying the price. Ugh. But, I think it was a worth it for a nice out with family and friends, feeling giddy and forgetting all the YUCK.

During dinner my BIL’s new GF – whom we just met for the first time, btw – says to Den in the way of conversation, “So… any children on the way or anything?”

Den replied, “Well… it’s a long story, but that’s the plan. We’ve been trying for a while now.” (Again I’m amazed at how upfront my dear husband is being.)

Did we get assvice? NO!! She nodded and said sagely, “I know a few people who have been through that. A friend of mine tried for YEARS to get pregnant. It’s really amazing that it happens at all, it’s so complicated, everything has to happen at just the right time!”

And I thought… Yes. At least SOME people get it.

It was a very good evening overall. I just wish I didn’t feel so sick now.

Last night it did finally hit me how much better christmas would be with little kids – even a baby – to spoil. Last year I really thought we’d have a kiddo by now. Plus I’m sorta regretting not flying back to my parents’ for the holiday. BUT I’m determined to really enjoy myself and enjoy christmas for what it is. I really do love christmas and I don’t want to let any of that – or my cranky pants hubby – get me down. :)

Well, I do have two dogs and two cats, all of whom KNOW there is something REALLY GOOD in their stocking and they want it now. So that will be fun. :)

I know it is highly unusual to write about the names you’ve picked out before you even manage to get pregnant, but we’re unusual people. Den and I were talking briefly about children today on the way home from the family dinner – mainly me sighing that everyone was talking about kids and grandkids and the neices were there and I just felt a little sad. He understood the feeling. We sure hope we have a little one by next christmas.

But the talk turned to names, and how much we really love the names we’ve picked out. The first two we had settled last year:
Kailet Amber for the first-born girl.
Devin Alin for the first-born boy.
But with all of this talk of possible twins I’ve been tossing around name ideas for just in case we end up with two of the same. For boy’s we’re completely sunk, there’s none that we even halfway agree on, either I hate it or he hates it. But we did come around to a name that we adore for a girl: Catherine Elizabeth. We just both think it’s so gorgeous. So much so that I may want to swap, depending on how I feel when I get pregnant with a girl.

Den said jokingly today, “Now I kind of want to have two girls, just so we can use both names!” He’s so cute. And of course I know he meant two girls and a boy – and three children? Me? I highly doubt that will ever come into play unless we do end up with twins. (I told Den that if we get twins I’ll consider trying for a third – especially if they’re the same gender. Can you imagine? Yeek.)

Yesterday, being christmas eve and all, I almost forgot to take my first clomid pills. But I remembered. And today too. Woo, two days of clomid already down. My ultrasound is on January 2nd – I have a feeling it will be here in no time.

Oh my god, I just got a horrible headache tonight. It started a couple of hours ago, I took some advil for it at the same time I took my other pills. It still hurts so bad. Just now I’m wondering if it’s related to the clomid. Ugggg. That would suck. (Of course it could just be one of my stupid headaches.)

Four days of clomid down, one left to go. I have mapped out our BD schedule for the next week and a half, to make sure we time things right for the IUI. Now I know that I will more than likely trigger on CD12 I can be more sure about the BD timing, so that’s always nice. I guess there are benefits to having gone through it once before.

I felt a pang or two on my right side – that’s not good. Well, it’s not exactly bad, but follies on the left would be preferable. We’ll have to see closer to the U/S.

Not much else to be done right now. We’re recovering from the christmas craziness, the house is still a disaster and needs to be cleaned, I’ve been liberally imbibing alchohol without guilt. Anger and frustration, sure – but no guilt.

And now I think I’m ready for bed. Tired from my work’s holiday party.