My stomach doesn’t feel so good tonight. I think it’s one of those gas stomach-aches – though not as bad as they can get – and possibly because of the junk food I ate today. I had a huge craving for chocolate, I drove to the store to get some. But now I’m not feeling great.

I also had some aches and stabs in the left side of my abs. That seems to be a pretty typical thing with me.

I have a Discovery show about sex on the TV in the background. I just heard the following: “Most mammals only have sex when they’re ovulating.” Apparently, I am “most mammals” and not so much the human have-sex-whenever type. ;) (Though honestly, it just feels so much better when I’m fertile – and afterwards I am all sexed out and need a break!)

Stomach. Hurts.

I don’t know if it’s the autumn/start of winter or if it was all the forms I filled out today, but my elbow is aching and so is my wrist. Actually, now that I think about it, they were aching yesterday too. Only my right side, which of course makes me think computer-related. It’s a dull pain, but it’s weird, I keep shaking my hand and arm because it’s bothering me, like a bug flying around near your ear. It’s not obvious, but there’s something off and you can’t make it stop.

Apparently I am just full of achyness.

(But my stomach feels better!)

I just have to say this.

When it comes to charting, the “implantation dip” is a MYTH. I hear it over and over again on the forums – “Ooohhh, nice implantation dip!” “That drop is probably an implantation dip” and I want to bang my head against the wall. Especially when said “dip” in temp is at like 4dpo (implantation happens between 7-10dpo!) There is NO proof that any such thing exists at all. Most pregnant charts show no dip in temperture, and most charts that have a dip are not pregnant.

Another one that drives me nuts is the “stable temps mean stable hormones!” That may be true in a broad spectrum case – ie, charts showing a clear pattern are the result of stable hormones, whereas charts with temps all over the map may be showing anovulation caused by miss-functioning hormones (or it could be caused by thermometer user error). But when someone has three, four, five tempertures in a row showing the exact same temperture there are two possible causes: either the battery in your thermometer is kicking the bucket, or it’s just luck of the draw. It doesn’t mean anything significant.

I am really finding that the further I get in this journey the less I am able to tolerate most message boards. I am getting cranky. Reading the posts of people in their first cycle complaining about how long the two week wait is… or how upset they are they they didn’t get a BFP at 9dpo… I just can’t reply to it. I do completely understand that all their feelings are very valid and they absolutely need a place to be able to speak them without being snarked at. I certainly never reply in a rude manner. But I am not the person to be offering condolences. I just move on. I’m learning that some forums I just can’t read anymore… too many people too full of hope and innocence. And I know that for most of them their stay will be short-lived, they will get their BFP and happily announce it and move on. And I’m finding it very hard to dredge up feelings of excitement for them. Again – I absolutely, positively think they are entitled to those feelings! But right now, I am not one who can be excited for them. It just reminds me of my own pain.

And it’s all a double-edged sword because I know that there are so many women out there who have been trying for much longer than I am, and sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t be feeling as bad as I do because it could be worse. But, just as the women who have been trying for only a couple of months are entitled to all their emotions, I remind myself that so am I.

I feel like absolute crap tonight. I just haven’t felt right all day… after being up for a few hours this afternoon I took a nap hoping it would help. And it did… for a while. But then it’s back again. I’m so short on patience and temper with DH… everything he does upsets me. He has his little bad moments of upset and then he shrugs it off and moves on… I don’t. I hate arguing, even over stupid stuff that doesn’t matter. I hate feeling this way.

The 12th cycle and I still don’t know how to get through the next week until testing/AF. It’s really hard to hang onto that hope. I want to be pregnant so bad, but I know the more likely outcome is disappointment. At least I have another week to prepare because if I got bad news right now, in this mood, it wouldn’t be pretty.

I don’t write a lot about my depression and how hard it is. I mention it now and again, but I think I’m pretty good at hiding how crappy I’m really feeling – responding to someone elses comment with an upbeat sentence and leaving my baggage behind for a few minutes. But it’s there. It makes me feel frustrated, like my inability to deal with ignorant comments and simple innocent questions; it makes me feel deeply sad when I read about BFPs and others’ successes; it makes me feel very jealous and suspicious and selfish; and then it makes me feel guilty for all of the above. I live in this morass of emotion that’s like a bog weighing me down. Every time I feel something or think something I have to ask myself: is this me or is it my depression? And to be honest I’ve never gotten a straight answer. The medication helps me feel more “normal” but I am the depression, it’s a part of me – it’s seperate and yet you can’t just cut it away. Who can know if a bad day is just a bad day or if it’s a depression day. Live doesn’t come with signposts… and neither does depression. I hate it.

I think part of the reason I’ve been feeling so down lately is a have a few big decisions to make. I don’t deal well with big decisions, especially big decisions with no clear answer and the knowledge that any result will make someone unhappy and not solve everything. For other people they make not be that big of deals… but one side-effect of my anxiety and depression is that average-sized issues seem like big deals to me. Calling someone to make an appointment usually requires days of build-up and a secure plan. Decisions take weeks for me to sort out. An argument with someone puts me out of commission for days. Right now I’m working 10 hours a week at a job that doesn’t pay a lot, but I’m really happy with that. I tend to put in more than 10 hours a week, but I’m satisfied with this. Sometimes I think about what it’d be like if I was forced into getting a full-time job and I break out into a cold sweat. I would probably do it, if I had to, and get through it – but I don’t think the results would be all that pretty. And yes, frequently I feel very sub-standard for it. I feel like I don’t pull my weight, like I’m not entitled to my feeling overwhelmed when I don’t do half as much as other people. But I guess it’s like the issue of how bad you’re “allowed” to feel depending on how long you’ve been TTC – there’s always someone worse off than you and always someone better off than you, but nothing minimizes what you’re going through.

And yes, part of all of that is what pushes me to want to try a non-medicated birth. I feel like such a weak person a lot of the time, unable to handle what life throws at me – or I get through it, but don’t manage it well. So there’s a driving need in me to do something amazing – to be strong. When people talk about motherhood – specifically being a stay-at-home mom – as being the hardest thing they’ve ever done I admit I think to myself, if I do it, that will prove I am strong. And yes, I know I shouldn’t have to need to prove to anyone. But I do.

The last few days I’ve been obsessed with testing – with knowing. I saw another couple of people on forums get BFPs – at like 11dpo. So it made me very anxious.

This morning my temp dropped pretty low. It’s too early for AF, but being low is not a good sign. I really wanted to see it stay up and/or climb.

But at least now I don’t have that desire to test. Why bother, when it’s not looking good.

One thing that makes me wonder is how pregnant woman say how tired they are, how they could nap all day. …. I do that anyways. I seriously have problems keeping myself awake and active all day long, and when I don’t have to work I tend to sleep until noon. I guess it’s a side-effect of my depression – that or I’m totally screwed up – but it makes me wonder how it’ll be when I’m pregnant. How can it get worse?

Same with the food nausea… I already have the touchiest stomach, many foods and smells make me feel nauseated and I frequently feel like throwing up (and sometimes actually do). I have to be careful what and how much I eat because if I eat too much I feel very sick to my stomach. (Eggs especially. I can only eat so much of an omelette or scrambled eggs before having to go try puking for a while.) I can only hope that I manage to escape morning sickness and I simply don’t get any worse.

Now excuse me, I think I need another nap. *sigh* Jeez.

Freehand Baby baby carriers. Really nice fabrics, great looking site. :) I think I might like a Mei Tai.

I feel crappy crappy crappy. I woke up this morning to a temp of 97.7, which means it is slowly but surely crashing. I just rolled over and answered Den with a, “Not good,” and tried to fall back asleep.

But now I’m up and I’m pissed. The dogs are barking and I’m just a-flyin off the handle. I want to be left alone. Unfortunately I need to go to work very shortly. I do not want to. I want to crawl into bed and go back to sleep – because in sleep it’s all okay. At least until I wake up again. I just want some time to mope and whine and feel sorry for myself.

And AF isn’t even here yet. This could be a bad month. Or maybe I’m just having a bad morning.

Well after my cruddy morning – when I did pay bills (though I have a small pile for DH to figure out because WTF?), then I put on my I-don’t-care face and went to work. I felt kind of out of it for most of the day, doing things without really noticing that I was doing them. I didn’t get near as much joy from it as usual. I think to myself that I really shouldn’t “let” myself get so down before AF even shows, but with my chart looking how it does… well. I pretty much know. And unlike 6 months ago I don’t try to find every possible reason that I could be wrong. (Seriously, I used to feel the need to take an HPT during AF – just to be sure.)

But no spotting yet. I don’t expect AF until Wednesday, so it was a bit of a frustrating surprize to see my temp taking a dive so soon. Though I guess sooner is better in terms of forewarning and not leaving me in limbo.