I seriously feel like I’m just going to start crying. I feel so freaking depressed. I know I should be staying positive and not stressing out – sometimes I think that’s why no baby has stuck yet, because my body is just such a crappy place to be. I know getting pregnant is not going to solve everything – I have problems that go way beyond (in)fertility. But man… I want to see those two pink lines. I’d give anything. I want to move forward now. There was a point when I’d think, “Well, this month isn’t the best to get pregnant…” Now I’m like, who cares?! So we’re going to be travelling and having a party and wearing my wedding dress (not like that would be an issue at only 6 weeks pregnant) and the decision of whether or not to tell people there, and money and everything… don’t care. I’d cancel it ALL if I had to, if it meant I’d be pregnant.

This is going to be a wicked hard 2 week wait. I have the overwhelming urge to test, and I’m only 5 dpo! (It is unlikely to get any kind of positive before 14dpo… but at least testing gives me something to do, right?? I need something to do. I just went through all the ticker sites I could and played with them and created pregnancy tickers. Then I put them all on one of my temp pages so I could stare at them and decide which I liked best, which I’d put on which forum. I’m going crazy here, people.)

Just re-measured naked: 29 inch waist, 41 inch hips. (Yeah… my oversized nightie added nearly 2 inches to the waist. Whoops.) That’s much better. (Exactly where it was in March, btw.)

Bust/underbust: 35.5/30.5 (Hey, I’ve lost size here.)

I’m starting to understand, now, the frustration and anger some TTCers feel towards those who get pregnant really easily/quickly. I find that now when I read a post by someone who got pregnant on their first cycle, or after “three really hard months,” I twitch. I don’t mean to, I don’t want to – but it’s really hard to feel excited when at the same time you’re thinking, “That’s it? Three months would have been a breeze!” Which is totally dismissing their very valid feelings of frustration and how hard it really is, for even one month. So yes, I remember my manners and congratulate them, or just don’t post. But it definitely gets harder as you go, to keep up that excitement for other people who seem to have it easy.

I’ll note though that it’s different when I know the person. If I know them, if I’ve been involved in their TTC journey, then it doesn’t matter how long they’ve been trying, I’m thrilled anyways. But it’s hard to get excited for strangers popping up all over on forums saying, “We just started – and we’re pregnant!” Gahhh.

By the way, this need-to-pee thing is still sticking around. It’s not so much when I’m standing, usually, but soon as I sit down or lay down, oomph! Need to pee! Getting to sleep can be a bit difficult unless I’m really tired (like I was last night – I went to bed at like 6:30 in the evening and zonked right out… only to be woken up at 8:30 and then midnight by Zoe, who also apparently has a bladder issue *snort*). I’ve been waiting to try to see what is causing this, but I haven’t gotten any pain or anything that I would normally associated with a UTI. Just needing to pee all the time. I don’t get it.

Yesterday after eating that nice big meal I cooked for us and going to bed I was laying there cuddled up to Den and felt some weird, almost-painful twinges/mini-cramps across my lower stomach. It happened a few times within a couple of minutes, then nothing after that. I don’t know if that was indigestion or what.

I can’t believe how much my attitude towards children has changed. All day at the airshow today we were in the souveniers booth, so a lot of the customers had children. I was turning to mush every time. “AWWW what a cute kid!! Den, did you see how cute that kid was?!” I took photos of several. Then I’d look at him and say, “What’s wrong with me??” Heh.

At one point one of the guys who was working with Den asked us if we were planning on procreating in the future. We said yes, Den said, “Yeah, we’re trying.” The guy then went on about how you have to not “try,” that the only way to get pregnant is to give up. …. Thanks dude. ‘Preciate it. He was actually a really nice guy, but I changed the subject after that and simply refused to respond. I’m just going to tell Den to stop volunteering the info that we’re trying to people who don’t know us very well, simply because it irks me so bad when they say that crap. (It is crap, btw. It’s a fallacy of logic; just because B followed A does not mean that A caused B. It’s also a fallacy in generalizing a truth based on a few incidents which could very well have been a very small minority. But anyways. I don’t think people really care about that… when I try arguing/explaining based on fact they brush it off and repeat themselves. Ehh. Whatever.)

Yesterday at the club I so wanted a white russian. It’s probably too early to even have an effect even if I were pregnant – but I just couldn’t do it. I want to do everything right, to give us the best chances.

Didn’t seem to work, cause this morning I got a BFN. It’s early though. I sure hope this is the month.

I asked on the pregnancy/ttc thread on the wedding forum if any of the pregnant ladies experienced this constantly needing to pee thing while they were very early in their pregancies, and several said yes – one said hers started right after ovulation as well.

I’m hoping I’m hoping I’m hoping. Although on the other hand I’m hoping it’s not related so that I can get rid of it! Saturday it didn’t bother me while I was standing up, but yesterday it didn’t matter what I did. It feels like someone’s sitting on my bladder. Umph.

I just read online that you can buy test strips at the pharmacy to detect UTIs. I ran out to get one! I almost didn’t find it, but after having someone point me in the right direction and reading every box carefully, I found the boxes of test strips. YAY! I quickly came home.

Now unfortunately I didn’t read the instructions first (they didn’t come out of the box so I didn’t see them, I just read the instructions on the bottle of strips) that say to wash your genitals thoroughly beforehand. I also couldn’t pee much more than a few drops, nor did I hold it for a few hours like suggested. But the results: the WBC (white blood cells) test was WAY positive, the nitrate test was negative. Their instructions (which I found afterwards) say that if the nitrate test is positive you have a UTI. If the WBC is positive, but the nitrate test is negative, test again later. Gar. So I guess I’ll wait until the morning and follow the directions properly this time and then see what I get.

UTI test this morning was *faintly* positive for nitrates. Still positive for WBCs. Guess I’m calling my Dr.

I’m gathering statistics, so that the next time some person who got pregnant after two months of trying tells me, “You’ll never get pregnant if you try,” I can quote statistics and make their head hurt, instead of simply picturing me throttling them to death.

[Early Pregnancy Tests]

[Pregnancy and Baby]