I do think Canada’s healthcare system is better than what we have here in the U.S. But I also think that our American political system, the way our government is set up (and I’m not talking who is currently in office, I’m talking structure and how it functions) is definitely better. Have you, other than when you were forced to back in high school, really sat down and read and thought about how the government is set up? I did. When the election was going on last year Den dug out his old textbook and I spent several days reading all about the founding of this country, how and why the system was crafted the way it was, and how it functions. It’s not only fascinating, but brilliant. I couldn’t help but marvel at how very well it was done. I love the fact that we elect the actual president. I like how the politicians do actually listen to their constituents’ phone calls and letters. I like how the states do have some form of autonomy to form a mini-government that better serves the ideals of the people within that state, while still all being part of the federal system.

One thing that stands out to me quite starkly is how different the Canadian and American people are. To be perfectly honest I think some of the problems with the Canadian healthcare system (like the fact that infertility treatment is NOT covered) exists simply because the Canadians don’t DO anything about it. They’re not really a very vocal, outspoken people. They don’t flood town hall meetings, they don’t protest, they don’t get into a huge uproar every election. I don’t want to say that they’re less engaged, but, well, they’re less engaged. Canadians don’t consider themselves to be under the rule of the Queen or any part of the United Kingdom. But, well, they just have never had the energy to put up a fight to formally become independent. That’s just how Canadians are. It’s all okay, it’s all good, they aren’t really perfectly happy with it, but eh, it’s an effort to change it and it’s not really worth getting upset over.

And in this way I definitely don’t fit in with Canadians. I’m far too opinionated.

I’m in this very strange in-between. I’ve been living here as a resident for four and a half years now. I still feel a lot of pride in my country of birth, and I still definitely consider myself a Canadian. When I visit home I feel a rush of contentment and comfort when I see all the Canadian flags. But at the same time I’m slowly starting to consider myself an American, too. It’s happened in little bits and pieces, I didn’t really notice. I started saying things like “we” and “us” when talking about the United States. I get anxious now about politics and social issues not just because it affects me now, but because I want this country to succeed.c

Today, in addition to obsessing about health care options all day, I went to the YMCA again. I actually *cough* looked forward to it.

First I did the elliptical for 15 minutes. For some reason I really like that machine, always have. I love that it’s easy on my knees, and it doesn’t feel hard. Granted I’m not pushing it hard or anything – hell I’m just starting on this whole exercise thing, I could easily half kill myself. My goal is just to get me active, get my heartrate up. (And oh it goes up – the machine keeps telling me to slow down and I’m like dude, it’s on EASY and I’m barely sweating, are you serious?? But then I don’t argue too much.) I need to bring headphones, because one of the TVs (there were three! Widescreens! That was so not there three years ago) is apparently perpetually on HGTV and you just can’t get much better than exercising while twitching at the awesome kitchens on HGTV in high-def. To be honest you don’t really need the sound, but it would be kind of nice.

But after 15 minutes I was getting bored so I got changed and went swimming. Both times now I have walked over to the big pool and dipped my foot in and then stood there, nervously prancing from foot to foot. After exercising the pool is a little cold. I didn’t dive in, I kind of crouched down and did a very ungraceful step/fall/hop into the pool. I hate that initial getting-wet. It’s so… cold. I came up with a little squeak and mutter, then just started swimming. And very quickly it felt just lovely. Oh water, I love you.

I managed to do around half an hour of laps. Frontstroke was somewhat of a disaster. I have really good form when I want to – but for some reason my breathing rhythm was all messed up. I was holding my breath (instead of exhaling underwater) and then gasping for air, then I’d take in some water, I was getting lightheaded and struggling to make it to the end of the lap. My nice form lasted about two strokes in. So I ended up doing a lot of breaststroke… I just love that stroke. I could do it for hours, it feels so effortless for me, so natural. Once I caught my breath I started alternating one lap frontstroke, one lap breaststroke. By the end I finally had figured out a breathing rhythm that worked. Obviously I need more practice.

Getting out of the pool is slightly comical, though. I have always tended to just hop out the side of a pool using my arms to push myself up and then just climbing onto the deck. But after half an hour of laps? Spaghetti arms. Wobble wobble. Last friday, my first day of swimming, oh I barely made it up. I nearly crashed back into the pool, making a fool of myself. This time was a little easier. (Why not use the ladder? Ummm. Because. This is more fun?)

All in all a good day. I drove to the grocery store a little zombie-ish, though… my eyes were getting that hazy thing going from the chlorine (no, I don’t know where my goggles are) and my ears were ringing slightly. I forget several things I was going to the store to get. I had a list of only like 6 things, it wasn’t a good ratio.

My stomach is a little achy in that just-been-used kind of way. I am so excited about that! I realize that flat abs are not suddenly going to appear on my body, but at least I know I’m using those muscles. It’s a start.

In September the Fall classes start. There’s a lot offered, and of course I would love to try a little of everything. But I’ve decided to sign up for a Zumba class! I’d never heard of it before, but it looks kind of fun. I’ve wanted to do some kind of dance for years now, maybe this will be what I’m looking for!

It’s about time that I did this, it feels good. I hope I can keep it up.

I have had a lot of interesting questions and thoughts and discussions stemming from yesterday’s post. I wanted to continue the discussion here, because I think there are some really important things to be touched on.

One thing that I grasp better than ever now is this: you CAN be that one unlucky person. The person who loses their job, loses their health insurance… and then gets really sick. It’s probably not very likely. But it happens to someone out there. It could just as easily be me. I see a lot of people willing to gamble, and it terrifies me… it terrifies me that some people don’t seem to grasp how serious it can be until it happens to them. I want a safety net there. Even though Den has a very reliable job, as do I, it still freaks me out.

In any form of social support such as Welfare and a medical insurance for those who cannot afford/access other forms of health insurance you will hear the same debate back and forth about fairness. Why should we have to support people who are lazy asses and don’t work, who abuse the system? The simple answer is… we shouldn’t have to. Even I wholeheartedly agree with that. However, when you start making judgments about who is deserving and who isn’t you get into the very murky path that the right-wing is throwing around of a panel sitting there judging who is allowed and who isn’t. That means deserving people will get judged and left out. Because there ARE people who honestly need the help. There are single parents out there who desperately need Welfare to get back on their feet and support their family, and there are people who are trying very hard but can’t find a job. This is a problem that has no good answers. By weeding out the “bad” you take the chance of denying help to those who really need it. By helping everyone you’re swallowing a bitter pill know that there are people receiving free help who don’t deserve it.

Honestly, despite my thinking it would be a good thing overall, I really don’t see the United States adopting a single-payer system anytime soon – I don’t think the majority of America wants it. This is a democracy, after all. But most people agree that what we have now has some serious flaws and needs reform. Which means the United States is going to have to get creative. I think we all have a common goal here, which is making sure that we are taken care of. Universal health care has a lot of benefits, but today I want to take a step back and look at the specific needs and goals. Maybe we can find something other than universal health care that helps fix what’s broken. Also I think we should think about the downsides of a universal healthcare system, the very things that people are afraid of. Let’s add that to our list as well.

* Lower costs. Premiums and copays keep going up at the same time as insurance covers less. First thing I see is stopping the insurance companies from making millions of money and putting that money back into the system to help people. Then we need to reduce administrative costs, redundancy, and all the overhead that adds up to more money out of our pockets that is not being used to help treat us. Healthcare is costing us far more than it should.

* Stop restricting access to insurance and coverage. This means removing pre-existing conditions. This also means giving us more options to different insurance plans. How many employers offer only one insurance company? (Mine does.) Technically I could choose to get an individual plan with whatever insurance company I wanted… but, again, the costs of doing that are prohibitive. Also this means closing loopholes and preventing insurance companies from being assholes with things like months later, decide to not cover something you already had done.

* Patient choice in doctors. Even in a single-payer system I believe this is a requirement, absolutely.

* Remove the burden from the employers. They shouldn’t be shouldering this. We should have equal access to insurance whether we’re employed by a huge corporation, a small start-up company, or self-employed.

* Create a safety net. Everyone, no matter what their level of income, should be able to provide their families with insurance at a rate they can afford – GOOD insurance, not just a bare-minimum consolation prize. I want to know that if my life went to hell and I lost everything, at least I could still get my medical needs taken care of.

* Protect doctors. This means giving them a fair wage and it means protecting them from frivolous lawsuits, which drives costs way, way up. (Of course there needs to be recourse for true malpractice – it certainly does exist – but doctors shouldn’t need to have huge insurance costs to protect themselves from idiots. And there are lots of idiots.)

* Encourage new doctors and keep the ones we have. We need to make sure there are enough doctors to provide care to all the people who need it. Medical school is ridiculously expensive, which means doctors have to charge a lot to pay off their student loans. Maybe the government should start looking at helping students get their degrees – both to ensure we continue to get new doctors, and to help lower costs. Everyone’s concerned about wait times – this is what we’re going to need to prevent that from happening.

And finally there is one big thing that almost every American I talk to insists on: CHOICE. I think the new American system is going to need to be built around that idea. We may be paying far too much and insurance companies drive us all nuts with their rules and paperwork and run-arounds, but America loves having options and doesn’t want to be forced into any kind of one-size-fits-all plan. I don’t entirely think it’s a bad thing, either. Which is why I think the current proposal of a public option is a really good one. For all the people who think that the government will fuck up royally and can’t be trusted to manage their health care, they can stay with a private insurance company. But the government plan will be available if you want it or need it. But I don’t want to see the public option only being available to people who can’t get private insurance – again, we want CHOICE. *I* want to be able to choose the government-run plan if the insurance companies are screwing me over. I don’t want to be forced into private insurance any more than the other side wants to be forced into a government-run plan, and I think that’s only fair.

Are there a lot of questions? Oh hell yeah. It’s much easier to mull around about the problems than to come up with a viable solution – especially one that pleases the vast majority. I’ll be keeping my checklist at hand to make sure that what sounds like a good idea doesn’t start to miss all the important steps. The situation in the United States is not going to have a simple answer and there is going to be a lot of growing pains. I hope, and I really do believe, that this country can come up with something good. And in order to do that we ALL need to sit down and have a heartfelt discussion. We’re all scared of something – which is why emotions and tempers run so high. We all have differing opinions on how to get there, but our goal is the same: to get the best healthcare we can have.

Retitled: Why Universal Health Care Isn’t As Scary As You Think It Is

I am frustrated with Obama. I am frustrated that he told us he would make changes (saying that the health reform bill must have a public option), and now he’s backpeddling. But what makes me even angrier is all of the misinformation and paranoia out there about universal health care and that scary “socialism.”

* The wait times are not for life-threatening problems! If you need immediate help, you get immediate help. You walk in to an ER and get whatever you need. Yes, there is a wait to get assigned a “family doctor.” I didn’t have one for a couple of years. But you know what I did? I went to a walk-in clinic. I would walk in, sit down, and wait to be called. At bad times it could take a few hours, but usually it was about an hour wait. I personally never had anything major to deal with, but aunts had mammograms, family friends had cancer treatments. The people who had cancer treatments survived, by the way. They got the treatment they needed, they beat the cancer, and they never paid a dime. Not a single penny.

* In Universal Health Care the government doesn’t decide what to approve or deny you. Your doctor does. Yes, there are a very few things excluded from universal coverage (unfortunately infertility is one of them, in Canada – which needs to be changed) – but there is no government committee that sits and reviews claims by doctors to accept or reject them like our insurance companies here do. If your doctor orders a test because he or she thinks it’s necessary, then you get the test. If you need to see a therapist, your doctor refers you and you get it. The control is back where it should be: the doctors.

* We are all paying money into our health insurance companies through our exorbitant premiums. But where is a bulk of that money going? To the insurance companies, of course! They’re getting rich off of our money, while denying claims because we didn’t send in the right form, or we had a pre-existing condition. The decisions these companies are making for our health are NOT based on what is best for us, it’s based on what will save them money. I find it deplorable. Something this important should not be a money-maker. Our lives should not be in the hands of people who see dollars and cents.

* Right now employers are shouldering a large burden. There are a lot of small companies out there that are having to not provide health insurance for their employees, or are losing money. It’s a HUGE expense and I think it’s entirely unfair, especially at a time when this when so many small businesses are struggling. And it’s not fair to their employees who have to go without health insurance while working a good job, bringing home money to their families. You shouldn’t have to choose your job based on what health insurance they offer. You should be able to accept a job that works for you, for whatever employer, and know that regardless of where you work that you WILL be taken care of.

* There is a HUGE number of uninsured in America. These are people who go bankrupt because they broke a bone. These are often people who work hard, but have employers who can’t afford health insurance for their employees. Some of my very best friends cannot afford private health insurance – hell, I don’t think I could, if we didn’t have it sponsored through work. This is just not okay. It is not okay that people are sick and dying because they can’t afford the care they need. Think about what would happen if you or your husband lost your job – which is happening to many, many people right now. To people with children, people who don’t have a spouse to rely on. These people need some kind of coverage to get them through until they find a job.

* US has the second worst infant mortality rate in the developed world. That is atrocious. Beyond atrocious. The US lags way, way behind all of the countries with socialized care. There are other issues that play into that, but there is obviously something that we are doing very, very wrong here.

* Universal Coverage is not an “experiment”. It is implemented – successfully – in all other industrialized countries… except the US. WE are the experiment – and it is failing. So many Americans have this huge kneejerk reaction to the very thought of it, because we are different and they insist that this system is working. It’s working for half… and utterly failing the other half. That is not an acceptable system, in my mind.

What we should be aiming for is a Universal Coverage that is AS GOOD AS what the best people get now. You shouldn’t have to be rich to see a specialist for your condition. We should not be sitting on the phone arguing with insurance companies who want to keep our money and not pay our claims. We should be able to have our babies without worrying about how we’re going to pay for the hospital bills. I know people have fears, because nothing is perfect and there is going to be growing pains. But let’s fix what’s wrong. Let’s improve this. Let’s make sure ALL Americans are healthy.

Disclaimer/Notice: What the US government is currently mulling over is NOT universal healthcare – not even close. But I’m tired of hearing people freak out about the concept. Universal Healthcare works GREAT for a lot of countries. Maybe it wouldn’t in the US, maybe we’ll find something else that works well (what we have now? doesn’t). But people are not dying left right and center in Canada or any other country with a single-payer system. The fear mongering on TV and radio is just that – it’s twisted half-truths and misquotes. And as a Canadian living in the US I’m sick of it!

Today I had both a chiropractor and acupuncture appointment – I felt positively spoiled. Chiropractic was first thing this morning (which was badly needed – my entire back was so incredibly tense). The Dr asked me how acupuncture was going. I told her how I have been just meditating and zoning out during my sessions. Her suggestion was that I start doing it at home – that if I can meditate with needles in me, I should be good to do it wherever. I ended up thinking about that the rest of the day. I knew she was wrong, for me at least; I for some reason I can meditate easier during acupuncture than I can elsewhere. Later in the day I was driving when the answer hit me, and I started giggling out loud: during acupuncture, with all the needles in me, I can’t move! I mean, I know technically you can move… but mentally I feel like I need to be perfectly still until they are all removed. I don’t like so much as twitching my foot, just in case a needle will brush against the sheet. It freaks me out a little. You wouldn’t think that would be relaxing at all, but just think, it’s the ONLY time I lay perfectly still for an extended period of time. No distractions. I just let my body hum (yes, I often get a buzzing, warm feeling), and let my thoughts turn inward and out.

The music and low light doesn’t hurt, of course. I set off to Amazon to find myself the perfect CD, and I think I found it: Reiki: Hands of Light. Isn’t that gorgeous? I’m apparently very picky when it comes to my meditation music. I like strings, wind instruments, piano, but I needed something soft in the background… I needed a specific, warm feel to it.

Before I found the right music myself I walked into my acupuncture appointment with the intention of asking what CD she was using. After she got started she put a CD on and it was… Enya. Ha! One of the two CDs that I own, actually. So much for finding something new.

Last BCP was yesterday. Normally my period would arrive Thursday. Given the spotting it could be sooner. My acupuncturist mentioned that acupuncture can make it show sooner too. So… we’ll have to see, I guess. I’m thinking Wednesday. I will be starting stims by the weekend. It wasn’t such a big shock, since I have everything written out on my calendar and I’m giving myself lupron shots every evening, but at the same time suddenly “later” became “this week” and I wasn’t entirely expecting it yet. I have some nerves about how the stims process is going to go this time, so I am continuing to just not think about how soon it’s all starting. Today is lupron, a lot of pills (minus the birth control pill), and I’ll deal with tomorrow in the morning.

Now if only I could handle the other stresses in life by simply shelving them for another day. Sadly my work projects don’t function quite that well.

I have been bleeding for a week and a half now. I don’t see any end in sight, which means I will continue bleeding until I stop taking the pill, and then bleed some more. It is getting really. Freaking. Old. Adding to that frustration is my suspicion that AF is begging to be set loose in full. I’m thinking when I stop my birth control pills it will only take a day or two to hit, instead of my usual four. Which means stims would be moved up 2 days, which means so would retrieval, which means retrieval would happen on the weekend that Den absolutely cannot get out of work. You see the problem here. I might take a gamble and push BCP back another two days, just in case. In this case later is better than sooner.

Oh, and the weekend trip I was thinking would be perfect the weekend after transfer, before beta? Den found out today that’s the September weekend he has to work. I didn’t book anything, so it’s not a disaster, but all I can think about is going on this fabulous vacation and crying the entire time because my beta was negative. Lovely, yes? I am so full of sunshine today.

Heartburn. Why the hell am I getting heartburn the last two days? I have not heard of it as a side-effect of lupron, which is the only medication that is new. Cereal? Ice cream before bed? Experiments are needed. (If you have heard of heartburn as a side-effect of lupron, please let me know so I can blame it on that and return to my ice cream habit.)

It is Saturday. All I want to do is paint and work on my living room, but I have absolutely zero energy to do anything at all. By the time I get out of work Saturday afternoon I am just dead drained… I will hopefully sleep in a bit tomorrow to recharge myself. Then I can paint.

I struggle to find words…. no. I struggle to find communicable thoughts. So much of my life right now is mundane, every day just worried about getting through, getting through, getting through. Just the same thing, the same thoughts, the same frustrations, over and over, day after day. And every day I breathe a sigh of relief that I’ve lived through another one and somehow found something worthwhile in it. It is not splendid, it is not amazing, it is not wonderful – but every day I find something small to be proud of, or happy for, and I cling to those little things, swinging from day to day like I used to do on the bars, long ago. My palms always burned back then. I had calluses back then, very hard and thick for how small and dainty I was. I didn’t mind them so much. It meant I could swing better, with less pain – they were my cushion. It’s not so different now.

All this to say, I have nothing new to say. Nothing of note, nothing of interest. I went swimming. I made it through a work day without a major mistake. I talked and laughed with coworkers. I gave myself another lupron injection. It all sounds so simple, and I’ve done them each many times before. Does it really need discussing? I’d rather write about fabulous vacations and amazing epiphanies, but that’s not my life right now. It’s just day to day. Just getting through. Even starting another IVF starts to sound mundane on the fifth attempt.

Just like people don’t say that they are brushing their teeth, or eating breakfast, or putting on their shoes, neither do I say that I am grieving. Of course I am grieving. I do it every day. My heart beats faster when someone reads a book to their child and says, “Look, a sheepie!” I see children at my job every day. Sometimes I smile and chat, sometimes I pretend I don’t see them. Either way I’m functional. People probably just write me off as one of those women who doesn’t have kids, who isn’t interested. I don’t correct them.

I’m not quite sure how building my own life – separate from and not dependent on a child – is so damn difficult, and yet so lacking in words.

Den and I have separate savings accounts for those little (or big) things one of us wants but other thinks is totally not necessary. Earlier this year Den bought a stainless still grill, and he finally just saved up enough to buy his holy grail: a 50″ plasma TV. I, on the other hand, have spent my money on the fancy new front door (which still is not installed yet) and I just bought myself a rocking recliner for the living room. Different priorities, anyone? We had a good giggle over that. But I am getting a rocking chair – and I’m getting my living room TV back. And Den isn’t complaining.

I am getting excited for our weekend away that is upcoming. I haven’t booked anything yet, though I’m going to very soon. I really really need some time away with just my husband. We’re going to a little historic town on the shore, staying at a B&B and just relaxing.

Lupron has been started, and I am actively working on not thinking about how soon this cycle is coming up. I know it is, but I just let the thoughts slide around the sides of my conscious awareness. And frankly even giving myself shots don’t warrant much attention on my part, after I’m done I look down in surprise and wonder if I did it correctly – my fingers just seem to do it by themselves. Alcohol, push air, draw up, flick flick, stabbity, done. Of course the lupron is the easy part – once we get to the three vials of menopur in one injection I’m going to need Den to do it while I scrunch up my face. Menopur stings, if you didn’t know.

Oh, and I joined the YMCA. I am hoping that this time I actually use it. But this time I have a car, and a reason to be out of the house in the first place, so the chance of me using it is much higher. I need to sign me up for a class ASAP. A little extra reason to show up is never a bad thing.

I’ve realized that all my life I’ve been making the mistake of planning for the future based entirely off of the present’s wants/needs. It’s really quite arrogant, thinking that I know what my future self will want in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years…. but I constantly let that image of the future dictate my choices now. It can be something as mundane as furniture placement to bigger life decisions like a career. Yes, I get frustrated by how I should lay things out based on furniture that i do not yet own, nor will I own for quite some time. Yesterday I had a little laugh at myself and realized what an idiotic thing that one was… especially since we can move furniture. And do I really think that I’m not going to want to move things around in 5 years anyways?

I realize that a lot of people have problems focusing too much on the short-term and do not plan well. I am not one of those people. I am so far-sighted I constantly trip over my feet. I have to continually remind myself to let go. The question shouldn’t be what will I want in 10 years… the question is, what will work best right now? Let’s just deal with today’s problems as they come. It’s a lot easier to handle that way, rather than trying to take on the whole entire big picture at the same time.

I need to do more things that just simply make me happy.

::

First lupron shot is complete. In my head I have been very quietly counting down to this day, this first injection. Yet when it came I layed in bed, staring at the clock, knowing it was time… and there was a hesitation to get up, to walk over there. I’m just taking it one day at a time. The IVF cycle still seems a good distance away. I’m not sure I’m ready yet to admit that it’s here. At the same time, though, there has been enough waiting.

I am hungry, but the kitchen pantry and fridge is pretty much empty – and what is left requires cooking. On a day like this standing in front of the stove is not a favorable prospect. So I ate an eggo muffintop. Still heated, but not requiring much time in the kitchen. (But still hungry. I think I need to buy some groceries.)

We went to the waterpark today. I have lived here full time since 2005 and part-time since 2002…. and yet this is the first time I have been to the waterpark at Six Flags. It was a great day! You really can’t get better than rides and water at the same time. The only disappointment was that I wanted more water time… too much time spent standing in the sun waiting in line.

Which leads me to… sunscreen. Works great. It takes me from oh-my-god-crispy down to pink-will-definitely-get-more-freckles. Except… I forgot the back of my knees. Ohhhh yeah. I am laying in bed in the air conditioned bedroom and I can feel the sheets against the back of my legs rather like sandpaper. This is going to take a little while to recover. Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize and hope I don’t peel.

This was, of course, the first really hot day all year. Perfect day for the water park, other than the “everyone else has the same idea” thing. I had hoped that the threat of thunderstorms would keep people at home, but apparently everyone else is optimistic like I am. (And rightly so – it was a fucking gorgeous day. Hot, as we discovered when we left the water park. Water is a beautiful, beautiful thing.)

Oh yeah, and I start lupron tomorrow. Hopefully my mood does not get worse – I am not sure husband can handle worse than the fly-off-the-handle drama queen that I have been lately.