By the way, this need-to-pee thing is still sticking around. It’s not so much when I’m standing, usually, but soon as I sit down or lay down, oomph! Need to pee! Getting to sleep can be a bit difficult unless I’m really tired (like I was last night – I went to bed at like 6:30 in the evening and zonked right out… only to be woken up at 8:30 and then midnight by Zoe, who also apparently has a bladder issue *snort*). I’ve been waiting to try to see what is causing this, but I haven’t gotten any pain or anything that I would normally associated with a UTI. Just needing to pee all the time. I don’t get it.

Yesterday after eating that nice big meal I cooked for us and going to bed I was laying there cuddled up to Den and felt some weird, almost-painful twinges/mini-cramps across my lower stomach. It happened a few times within a couple of minutes, then nothing after that. I don’t know if that was indigestion or what.

I’m starting to understand, now, the frustration and anger some TTCers feel towards those who get pregnant really easily/quickly. I find that now when I read a post by someone who got pregnant on their first cycle, or after “three really hard months,” I twitch. I don’t mean to, I don’t want to – but it’s really hard to feel excited when at the same time you’re thinking, “That’s it? Three months would have been a breeze!” Which is totally dismissing their very valid feelings of frustration and how hard it really is, for even one month. So yes, I remember my manners and congratulate them, or just don’t post. But it definitely gets harder as you go, to keep up that excitement for other people who seem to have it easy.

I’ll note though that it’s different when I know the person. If I know them, if I’ve been involved in their TTC journey, then it doesn’t matter how long they’ve been trying, I’m thrilled anyways. But it’s hard to get excited for strangers popping up all over on forums saying, “We just started – and we’re pregnant!” Gahhh.

Just re-measured naked: 29 inch waist, 41 inch hips. (Yeah… my oversized nightie added nearly 2 inches to the waist. Whoops.) That’s much better. (Exactly where it was in March, btw.)

Bust/underbust: 35.5/30.5 (Hey, I’ve lost size here.)

I seriously feel like I’m just going to start crying. I feel so freaking depressed. I know I should be staying positive and not stressing out – sometimes I think that’s why no baby has stuck yet, because my body is just such a crappy place to be. I know getting pregnant is not going to solve everything – I have problems that go way beyond (in)fertility. But man… I want to see those two pink lines. I’d give anything. I want to move forward now. There was a point when I’d think, “Well, this month isn’t the best to get pregnant…” Now I’m like, who cares?! So we’re going to be travelling and having a party and wearing my wedding dress (not like that would be an issue at only 6 weeks pregnant) and the decision of whether or not to tell people there, and money and everything… don’t care. I’d cancel it ALL if I had to, if it meant I’d be pregnant.

This is going to be a wicked hard 2 week wait. I have the overwhelming urge to test, and I’m only 5 dpo! (It is unlikely to get any kind of positive before 14dpo… but at least testing gives me something to do, right?? I need something to do. I just went through all the ticker sites I could and played with them and created pregnancy tickers. Then I put them all on one of my temp pages so I could stare at them and decide which I liked best, which I’d put on which forum. I’m going crazy here, people.)

I read about women getting so depressed by their TTC journey that they want to give up, or at least take a vacation from it. I can honestly say I don’t think I could do that – I want this so bad, I’ll keep pushing, keep trying, as long as it takes.

I only just ovulated a few days ago, and I already want to cry. I hate feeling so helpless. I want to get two little lines. I want to be pregnant so badly. Yes, I can tell this is going to be a long 2 weeks.

If this catches we’ll be pregnant for the anniversary party. If it doesn’t work this month I’ll be ovulating possibly AT the party. Definitely be ovulating while we’re visiting. That might be awkward.

Wanted to make a note of this: took my measurements two days ago. Waist is 31, Hips are 40.5.

It appears fairly likely that I ovulated – FF doesn’t think so, but it’s a computer program and can be stupid sometimes. I put in my own coverlines. Den kissed my stomach on the way out the door this morning. We had sex every day for like 5 days in a row. Whew! If that doesn’t work… I don’t know what to do. We’re definitely covered. Now please stick.

Shoot. I think I gave myself a UTI. Ever since I got those UTIs a few years ago I’ve made sure to get up and pee immediately after having sex, but now that we’re TTC I’ve been trying to lay here for a bit. Last night I tried going to sleep afterwards, but got up half an hour later. Now today I feel like I have to pee, and I’ve done so twice, there’s nothing left… but I still feel like I have to pee pretty bad. :( I hope this goes away.

We are coming up on my ovulation, any day now. I’ve been doing pretty good with taking my temperature – I’ve given up trying to take it the same time every day, if I get more than 3 hours sleep at a time, at ANY time of day, I consider it a blessing – but it’s showing very clearly that my temp is nice and low. It dropped like crazy last night, that’s a good sign. :)

I’m NOT using OPKs this month. It’s such an addiction though, I get all twitchy and wondering if I should buy some more. But at $20 PER BOX I just can’t afford to keep doing it every month! Plus it’s not like they’ve even really helped me, except for last month. My ovulation is very predictable (when I’m not sick), so oh well. We’re just having sex every day from now until my temp jumps up.

Last night as we were laying there I kept telling Den to visualize a baby being made – the power of visualization! He started chanting, “Boy, boy, boy!” For months now we’ve had these silly “argument”s – he says “Boy!” and I say “Girl!” Well last night when he started I just paused for a minute then started saying, “Baby, baby, baby!” He laughed and gave me a big hug. I think we’re well past the point where we care which we get! (Well, at least I am – not sure about him!)

I’m wondering if I don’t have hypothyroidism. My thyroid function has actually never been checked. But I have a lot of the symptoms, including depression, weight gain, low resistance to cold, and of course the exhaustion. Hypothyroidism can cause infertility – though usually it messes up ovulation, and obviously mine is fine. But I think I should get that checked as well. That would explain a lot of things…