Yep, I started spotting a few hours ago. Finally. It’s just frustrating when you know it’s coming and it’s taking forever to start. Now at least I can focus on the next month – which will probably be a complete waste of time anyways. Especially with my period starting a day later than I had hoped, that just means my ovulation will be a day later… 5 days after Den leaves. It’s possible that, if we have sex right before he gets on the plane, some sperm could last long enough to get the egg. However, it’s not very probable and not at all ideal. Just what I wanted… an entire month wasted.

At least we will have Den’s SA results by the end of next cycle so we will know where we’re going.

And now… now I have to manage to work tomorrow, wash all my laundry, and pack for our trip while feeling sick to my stomach. Lovely. And don’t even mention the airport/flight. At least it’s a shortish flight, but it still could be a pretty bad situation for me. Remind me to pack a big bottle of midol.

Temperture took a major nosedive this morning. Last bit of hope pretty much gone when I saw that one. Now I’m just waiting, and getting wicked cranky because AF still is not here. Where the heck is she?? I know I apparently sometimes have 14 day luteal phases… okay, somewhat frequently… but grrrrr. I hate waiting. I think I’m going back to bed to sulk in peace.

(We even had sex last night, my thinking that it could start things up. It didn’t work, and I remembered why I hate having sex in the 2ww – it hurts! Gah.)

A sign that I have not given up all hope yet: the desperate, 12th-hour search through pregnancy charts to find ones that look like mine. Just in case, just because… clinging to that last little thread of hope that maybe I’m one of those ones who is SURE that AF is coming only to be wrong.

Of course, I doubt that is the case. Just because my period is 2 hours late does not give me reason to hope. And no, I will not be testing tomorrow.

Yeah. Temp going down. Getting AF tomorrow morning or even late tonight, I’m willing to bet. I’m not surprized, and I think I’m already past the feeling upset. Just quiet acceptance, that’s all.

I’ve been reading a lot in the last few months, and one of the hardest things to read are those people who have reached the end of their journey. I just simply couldn’t fathom it for myself – cannot, could not, picture a time or place where I could give all this up. I’m a very tenacious person when I want to be. Even when I got to a point where we’d tried everything, if my body’s still ovulating there’s still always hope, right? So how could someone ever get to the point of giving up completely? How can you do that?

That popped into my head today while I was thinking about testing. And I realized, it’s not so far-fetched as I’d thought. You don’t go from step A to Z in one leap – you loose the battle a little at a time. First I lost the excitement and expectation of a BFP. But that’s not really a solid, definable step. It just sort of happens, and you don’t know where along the way you lost it. But testing… testing is solid, concrete. It was when I was laying in bed early yesterday morning trying to convince myself that it was worth getting up and testing that it really sunk in – I can’t do that anymore. It was always a “just in case.” And yes, I’m very stubborn – I really do want that chart and that early BFP when I get pregnant. I want to savor it. I want to be able to say I got my positive early. And it’s hard to give up that hope, even when you don’t really believe it’ll happen, the hope remains. Just in case.

So when I was laying there, I realized I’d lost that hope. That the early testing thing that I used to do with such abandon, it wasn’t going to work anymore – despite all that stubbornness inside me. I had reached that line. I have taken one more step. It’s so hard for me to let go, even just a small piece like that. It takes a lot of disappointment and a lot of failure to get me to that point.

But I no longer don’t understand how people can give up totally.

My stomach is completely rebelling today. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve ran to the bathroom. This feels like what I get first day of AF, but AF is days away yet. Wondering if I just ate something that totally disagreed with me. I feel so green.

My temp dropped today. Not a lot, but it dropped to the coverline. I felt sad when I read it off the thermometer. It is early for it to be dropping, though. Tomorrow’s temp shall tell me something.

Staring at my chart I’m thinking, I could have ovulated on CD14, not CD15 – one missing temp at a critical time. It’s possible. If so, that would mean AF is due tomorrow. So maybe this is AF coming.

Well at the very least, tomorrow or tuesday should see AF. It she’s not here by thursday morning I’ll test again – since thursday is when we leave.

Note for later – a recommended book: Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth.

I had problems getting to sleep last night, because I was thinking about testing. This morning I woke up all at once, feeling anxious and negative instead of excited and hopeful. I layed there for a while before getting up to test. I grabbed my watch to time it. I puttered around the bathroom as I waited. I’d glance over at the test every 30 seconds or so. One line came up nice and dark. One line.

At this point… I just don’t really believe I’ll ever see a second line – not without something to give me reason to believe it (like doing IUI or something that ups our chances). Month after month, I stare at that test and one line develops. At cycle 10 you’re really thinking, if it didn’t happen the previous 9 months, why would this month be any different? Thankfully, state of mind does not affect the amount of hcg in your urine.

So no more testing for me. I don’t think I’ll be testing early next month either. I’ll just wait, and see if I’m late. At this point I’d be downright shocked to get pregnant. *sigh*

(Oh, and to make me even grumpier – I was so preoccupied with testing this morning that I forgot to take my temp. Gah.)

Well that didn’t help… now I just feel tight and bloated. lol

Added: Okay, roast beef sandwich + orange juice = bad bad idea. Ug. Ug.

My stomach feels very tight, and at this point it’s not hunger because I already ate (I was feeling hunger pains this morning). I’m going to try to find something healthy to munch on to see if this goes away.