Naps are vitally important. We are learning this. Kate still has only about a 1hr – 1hr 30m window that she is awake, active, and happy before needing to nap again. I figured this out a long time ago and am well-trained to put her down to sleep when she first starts getting cranky, which is her first sign that she’s getting tired. She still has no real schedule, it depends on the day and how long she sleeps as to when she needs to nap next. We’ve had some days where she fights it and wants to play instead, but for the most part she and I do really well.

But daddy? Oh poor daddy. This week has been brutal on him! I was out several evenings in a row, with the presentations and other scheduled things. He doesn’t mind watching Kate at all, he loves spending time with her, she takes breastmilk from a bottle… but she will not nap for daddy. Wednesday evening I was gone for 5 hours and I walked in the house to have Kate thrust at me by my husband as he silently escaped to the basement. She apparently had refused to nap until the point that she melted down and cried inconsolably for hours. I layed down with her she nursed until she was content, babbled happily at me for 10 minutes, then dropped into a sound sleep for the night. She just wanted the boob – not for food, but for comfort.

So it’s rough on him right now, but they’re working on figuring something out. This is somewhat of a new problem, she used to sleep on his chest no problems. Thursday evening he got her to fall asleep in his arms and he put her down on the bed and she slept for 20 minutes. That’s still not ideal, but that’s a good start!

::

I have to laugh about Kate’s personality and opinion towards bottles, especially given her personality. She’s so picky about so many things, and I know babies – especially breastfed babies – can be very fussy about their bottles. Before she was born I bought 4 different bottles to try, hoping that one of them would be “the one.” I also waited until she was 4 weeks old before introducing a bottle at all, in the fear that she would develop nipple confusion and/or a preference for the bottle. In the end it turned out she will take any bottle, any nipple. Right now Den tends to reach for our MAM and Nuk bottles, but she’s used the Medela ones too. (We also have a Breastflow bottle, but DH is the one who thinks it’s too complicated!) Same goes with pacifiers – I used Soothie at first, which she took to right away, then switched to MAM. She no longer likes the Soothies as much, since she can keep the Mam in her mouth better. But I’m pretty certain that if I lost all our pacis I could give her anything and she’d take it.

Pumping remains a pain in the ass. I’ve been using a manual Medela pump that works well enough, but it’s just annoying to come home, deal with an upset baby, and have to sit and pump both breasts to make up for what she ate while I was out. My sister-in-law gave me her old electric pump, I need to buy new tubing and get it set up to use. At least then I can do both sides at once.

I feel kind of spoiled, actually, since I have been taking advantage of my ability to go out without Kate! I didn’t know if I would ever get to the point of wanting a few hours to myself, but it finally did come. Granted Kate has only ever been with her daddy or me. We haven’t left her with anyone else, mainly because no one spends enough time with her to know her little quirks and preferences. I’d love an evening out with my husband, but only if I know she’s going to be happy and content, which just isn’t going to happen yet.

Here’s an interesting post about this curious phenomenon of “pinkwashing” – the commercial pink products that are espoused to promote awareness of breast cancer and donate a portion of the proceeds to research. The question is, who does that help more – the fight against cancer, or the company’s pockets?

I am a little bit twitchy when it comes to donating money to support causes. My husband and I certainly agree that many causes are worth supporting, and we alot money every year towards those things. But we choose those causes because they are important to us. I feel like it’s such a personal thing. Even working for a non-profit there’s a reason I work on the paperwork and not public relations: it makes me feel so weird to ask for donations, even though I obviously think it’s a worthy cause.

But one thing I have learned from working in the non-profit world is that you really do have to understand where your money is going, as not all organizations actually use the money for what you think they do – and not all companies donate what they imply to the causes they are promoting. A for-profit company is almost always about their profits, bottom line; they’re promoting a non-profit cause to make them look good, to attract attention, and invariably to increase sales. This summer I had someone knock on my door to talk to me about a non-profit organization whose goal is to support clean water. It sounded like a good cause, but I didn’t write a check right there (and I got rather irritated at the expectation that I would!). I thanked them for the info, then came inside and looked up the organization. I read their website, I checked their 501(c)3 non-profit status, and then I did write a $5 check and send it. I realize not many people actually want to or have the time to do that with everything – maybe it’s just easier to donate to whatever cause a coworker is currently supporting. But I personally want to know more than that. And if the cause is important enough to me I’ll do more than give money – I’ll attend events, I’ll volunteer, I’ll talk to others about it to raise awareness.

I do think that breast cancer is a major issue and I’m so very glad that people are gaining awareness and compassion. But if I really want to support research I would rather write a check to research than buy a cute pink coffee mug.

Today was the second panel I was on (Cathi made three presentations over two days). I had the honor of being able to attend her full presentation last night, she’s a fantastic speaker.

I am so thankful for all of the caregivers who attended her sessions. I saw tears, I saw nods, I saw heads shake when Cathi (or one of the parents) mentioned something awful that happened or was said to a bereaved mother. They wanted to do the right thing by their patients. Grief is such a hard, hard thing. How do you know what to say? What to do? I can only imagine the fear I would feel as a caregiver if a patient lost a baby and I had no experience with that. But I really feel like this area has some good hospitals and great staff who are willing to take something like this and incorporate it into their practices. I even learned that in the past year the hospital that I birthed at has become aware of Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep to offer it to bereaved parents, which is fantastic.

Writing and talking at length about Devin has made me realize that I still have a lot of things about it all that I haven’t worked through. I’m okay with that, I’m okay with taking a break from grieving to focus on Kate. But it still surprised me when I got choked up. And it surprised me, too, how much I wanted to talk about him. Every time someone would say something about their experience I had all these thoughts bubbling up, all this thing I wanted to say – not because I felt anyone needed to hear it, but because I wanted to say it out loud. I think I need to start jotting things down so I can write it out later.

::

I have a lot of interests and passions, and somehow they (almost) all revolve around babies. That’s kind of funny to me, since babies or kids were never on my radar. I’m not sure how to pursue all of them, but they all feel important to me somehow.

Infertility and loss are very entwined in my own experiences, but in the world they’re often discussed and addressed in completely separate terms. In fact with a lot of my loss support groups I am careful to not mention the infertility for the simple reason that I don’t want to make it sound like my loss is “worse” than someone else who doesn’t have an infertility baby – the loss of a baby is horrendous and unfathomable, no matter what. And on the other side, too, I don’t want to minimize anyone’s pain of infertility if they have never had a loss (though in so many ways failed cycles during infertility treatments really are like losses). I exist in both worlds and recognize that not everyone does. Both are a lasting part of me, both are important to me, and I want to continue to be supportive and active in both.

As I have mentioned I belong to a loss support group that is wonderful and I would like to continue to be active with that group. I also would really like to find some way to help the hospital where I gave birth, though I’m not sure how. I have some thoughts about volunteering my photography through Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, as I know there is always a need for photographers and there’s not always someone available. But that is extremely heavy work and I can only imagine what of my own experiences it would trigger for me to work through, I am not sure I’m quite “there” yet. Not to mention it is an on-call type of thing and I have a 4 month old who breastfeeds (and apparently won’t sleep for anyone but me).

And then there is the more normal range, the “other side,” the I love birthing babies and breastfeeding and stuff. I go to local breastfeeding support groups (one at the hospital with an LC, the other is a LLL meeting). I have thoughts on becoming a doula, but again there’s that availability with a young child issue.

As I have had more time at the computer (yay exersaucer and naps in the bedroom!) I find myself reading more blogs – not necessarily personal blogs, but informational ones, too. A lot of times I want to share things, and I don’t necessarily want to bombard Facebook with all of it, I doubt my relatives and old school buddies really want to read all about the newest research in boobs. So this blog may be continuing to evolve. It is, of course, about my journey as a mother, but I may start using it as a scrapbook of ideas and articles and other interesting tidbits, along with my thoughts and processing of all of it. I’ve considered starting another blog for all of that, but then how do I separate out things? It just gets complicated. Maybe I’ll just start using categories, if I can manage to do that without becoming completely anal about it.

Well the evening went well for me, I got to listen to Cathi’s presentation and then speak to the room along with several other bereaved parents. Last night I wrote out everything I wanted to say, and unfortunately I forgot that when I sit and really write about Devin and the emotional aspect of it I, uh, I get emotional. I choked up through the entire thing, which I never do anymore, not for a long time. But then again I don’t usually address a roomful of people about the little regrets I have about Devin. But I think I said what I needed to say.

Here’s what I wrote (what I said may not have been exact!). I questioned a few things, such as whether to mention the infertility. I did, because I felt that it was relevant in understanding the context of our loss.

::

My name is Natalie. My husband and I have had two losses after several years of infertility and IVF cycles.

Our son, Devin, our first child, was stillborn two and a half years ago at 35 weeks gestation. It was an easy, uncomplicated pregnancy. His movements had gotten slower and less frequent, but I thought that was normal at the end. I had no idea that a stillbirth was even possible in a healthy pregnancy. I wish someone had told me to do kick counts. At my scheduled appointment my Midwife couldn’t find a heartbeat, and an ultrasound confirmed his death. I chose to be induced immediately and gave birth later that same day.

That day is both one of my worst and most cherished memories. The labor and birth, if you could separate it from the grief, were what I had wanted for a live birth. I clung to that. I had given birth, I was a mother. It was one thing that went right that day, that gave me some kind of peace and pride in myself and my body.

My nurses and midwives were wonderful, patient and kind. One of the midwives sat with me for the entire morning. The hour between my ultrasound and my husband’s arrival was the most horrifying time of my life. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without someone holding my hand.

When Devin was born everyone in the room cried. It made me feel like he really mattered. He was treated gently and with respect. I was relieved that the nurse was looking after him while I slept. She took hand and footprints and gave us a birth “certificate”; things that were solid and real and proved he was here. But she didn’t get a lock of his hair, and we didn’t think of it at the time.

I was told I could hold him as long as I wanted to, but it felt strange to us. It never occurred to me to unwrap the blanket from him and look him over. I never saw his little his feet. I never even checked to make sure he was a boy. Looking back, I wish someone had told us it was okay. We were so concerned about what would seem “weird” or morbid.

We were given the outfit they had dressed him in, which was really a nice thought, but it was disappointing to me. It was something that I never would have chosen for him. I wish we had been given options, since we had nothing with us.

My biggest regret is the pictures. We had no camera with us. The nurse took some, which was a relief at the time. Unfortunately she not a photographer. The photos are blurry and there are very few of them. I could tell she took care, posing Devin with a little bear – it was just that the quality of the camera and lighting and focus were lacking. I had never heard of Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, and even if I had I doubt I would have thought of calling someone. I wish, more than anything, I had more than one good photo of my son.

Coming back for my post-natal check-up was extremely hard, and it was a huge relief that they pulled me straight into an exam room so I didn’t have to sit in the waiting room.

The doctor later called me himself with the autopsy results as soon as he got them. He sat down with my husband and I to explain everything in the report, which helped us find some closure and understanding.

My second loss was an ectopic last year, diagnosed at 6 weeks when I started having severe pain. I am grateful that my concerns were taken seriously, even though I felt like I was being paranoid. An ultrasound confirmed the ectopic and I had surgery later that day to remove my right tube.

To my husband and I the ectopic wasn’t the same as the loss of our son, but at the same time it was the loss of hope. It had been three years of trying to have a baby, and it was looking like we might never bring home a child. There was a lot of anger and disbelief. I remember laughing because it was just so unbelievable that I was going through another loss. I was glad everyone understood that I wasn’t crazy.

Now every time I have a doctor’s appointment I just hope they have glanced at my chart so I don’t have to explain everything all over again. I don’t mind talking about it, but it’s so much easier when someone already knows.

This week my local SHARE group has sponsored Cathi Lammert, the Executive Director of SHARE, to visit from St. Louis. She will be holding three sessions for local birth professionals (doctors, midwives, nurses, etc) to speak about caring for the bereaved patient, whether it’s a miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal loss. Sessions like these are beyond important. It helps the people who care for those of us going through losses to understand what we are going through and to guide them in what to do and say. I am sure for any professional it must be extremely overwhelming to suddenly be faced with a newly bereaved parent, for not only are we going through grief but we also are giving birth. What a huge responsibility.

I have volunteered to be a very important part of Cathi’s presentation: the parent panel. I, like the other parents on the panel, will speak a short piece about who we are, what we experienced, what helped us in our journey and what could be improved upon. I volunteered because I think it is important, I want to help, and I am happy to speak about my experiences.

Until today I’ve just been thinking about what I’m going to say. For some reason the picture in my head was sitting in the conference room like the support meetings, taking turns speaking. Tonight I realized that is probably not very accurate. In fact, I doubt it’s accurate at all. It’s going to be a room full of doctors and midwives and nurses. With a microphone at the front. And I will get up and make a short presentation.

Suddenly I’m feeling a little jittery.

Since I ruled out a medical reason for the poor sleep I’ve discovered that pretty much everyone I know is having problems with their baby’s sleep at right around 4 months. Needless to say my life revolves around her sleep right now. Naps used to be so easy, she’d just pass out on my chest after nursing and sleep for however long she needed to. Easy! Now? Not so much. Getting her to take her naps on her own was a HUGE accomplishment, now I get time to myself during the day which is very needed and appreciated! Time to write, to read, to catch up on a TV show (thank goodness for DVR!). Now it’s just taking some extra effort to get her to sleep… and I tip-toe around afterward and hope she doesn’t wake after 5 or 10 minutes.

The little miss has recently managed to roll all the way over to her front. Several times. She was trying for days, then Sunday she actually did it. She looked triumphant for a second, then looked around, wiggled, and started crying because she realized she was on her belly and she’s still not a huge fan of it. So she can roll both ways now, but she seems to choose not to – or forgets that she can. Not sure yet.

Oh, that Warm Weather? GONE. And it took its buddy Nice Weather with it. Now I’m left with Cold And Fucking Dreary Weather, which is making me kind of sour. It turned cold all at once, suddenly I’m digging through Kate’s drawers trying to see if I have anything warmer to dress her in for naps. I also have a shortage of long-sleeved onesies, since she’s still in 0-3M stuff! I tried a 6M long-sleeve on her and couldn’t stop laughing; it looked huge and baggy. Not going to work. The problem I’m having is that I do have some cute 3M long-sleeved onesies, but they are not Carters brands. So she’s outgrown them in length already, before ever fitting them width-wise. Every time I tried them the neckline was falling off her shoulders and gaping halfway down her chest. Now finally it fits her chest! And I can’t snap them up. Oh well, I tucked them into her pants.

Another annoyance: socks. Most socks fall right off her skinny ankles. The ones that work the best are simple white socks from BabyGap. Only problem is that they’re size 0-3M and I have only two pairs. I want to order some 3-6M but the Gap has a $7 flat rate shipping fee. WTF, I am not paying them $7 so I can get 4 pairs of socks!! I’ll have to go into the store to see if there’s any there… just watch, they won’t have that size. (Apparently 6M is a really hard sock size to find… I’ve been looking everywhere we go!)

My new-old hobby is scrapbooking. I haven’t done anything in so long, now suddenly I’m struck with the need to scrapbook all of Kate’s stuff. Unfortunately I feel like my brain cells went all “duh” on me since Kate stopped sleeping well…

Did I mention lately how much fun this age is? This evening she just layed on her back on my lap and craned her head around, looking and blowing raspberries and giggling at me when I smiled at her. She’s this actual person with a personality and everything. I’m starting to get excited for when she starts communicating thoughts.

Kate has figured out a new sound: blowing raspberries. It is so cute! She doesn’t stick her tongue out, just blows bubbles… generally around her fingers, which she has stuffed in her mouth 90% of the time. She was blowing raspberries when I put her down for a nap – if she’s not tired enough she likes to spend time talking to her crib and the window, and today it was raspberries. Then when Den was home she sat on his lap and they echoed each others raspberries back and forth. Too funny!

Also in the past week she learned how to do a belly laugh!! Finally!! She’s been “on the verge” of the belly laugh for literally months… she’s been making a “heh heh” sound since she started smiling. But that laugh just wouldn’t come out! Last week I was kissing and tickling her and there it was!! I spend a good part of my day kissing her cheeks saying “num num num!!” in order to get her to giggle at me.

She still loves (loves!) the exersaucer she’s been getting cranky sooner than before. Today Denis figured it out: she no longer wanted the pillow stuffed behind her (which we did because she was so tiny when she started using it, we didn’t want her throwing herself backwards and hitting her head!). She’s now tall enough that her head won’t hit the back of the seat and apparently she wants the freedom to lean as she wants to. I constantly find it so funny how she very clearly communicates when she’s ready to do something.

Like the sleep thing. She still sleeps cuddled with me for much of the night, but I now know why she’s getting frustrated at times. I really paid attention to what she was doing while she was squawking (very tiredly, I might add). She was facing me, belly-to-belly, and she kept throwing herself backwards. I sat up and she fell asleep with her arms over her head. It’s my weight that’s the problem – when I’m right beside her the bed dips a little towards me so she is being forced to face me. So if she wants to sleep sprawled out on her back it’s far more difficult for her. So when she’s in those moods I move her to her crib, which is now side-carred right beside me, and she happily sleeps with both arms up over her head like she used to as a little newborn. So adorable!

I’ve noticed this week that her feeding sessions have actually spaced out a lot compared to what they used to, especially when we’re out and about. She does tend to nurse a lot still, but they’re very very quick comfort feeds before a nap or when she’s upset about something. She likes to nurse long enough to get the milk flowing and then stop. Yeah, that’s fun, milk dribbling everywhere while she flings herself backwards and babbles. But a few times a day she does a long, good feed, always in the morning and at night, then a few other times a day. And when we’re out? I’ve noticed I’m starting to have leaking problems again, because she’s too distracted to really lay down and eat! Hours will go by and I get all engorged, I’ll put her to the breast and she just nibbles and looks around. Meanwhile I’m spending my time trying not to think about nursing… because if I do, or if she starts crying, or if she touches my boob, hello letdown! I had just stopped wearing breast pads all the time, and now I have to start doing it again. Once we get home I lay down with her and she does a nice long nursing session. Although for her “long” is still less than 5 minutes. I often wish it was longer! But she’s a very fast eater, and when she’s done she gets mad that there’s still milk and just wants her paci. Sigh.

She is right on the verge of rolling over back-to-front. She can roll over front to back, but it still seems to be a random occurrence, she hasn’t quite figured out that she can do it on demand. But when she’s on the floor playing she spends a great deal of time arching her back, reaching over her head, and rolling onto her side. She’s so so close to making that last little bit, but so far her arm has been in the way and she doesn’t push it. She just ends up wiggling and spinning around. I realized the other day when watching her that we are going to need to baby-proof our house very very soon. Yikes! Our house was baby-proofed back when Zoe was a puppy (in 2005) but every year the dogs get older the lazier we get… they’ve stopped chewing on cords, furniture, random objects. Now I’m looking at the ratsnest of wires under my desk and thinking, “Oh shit.”

And finally, I am wicked excited because next saturday I made appointments for two things I haven’t done since Kate was born: a massage, and a haircut! I booked them back to back so I get a few hours to myself and will hopefully come home feeling recharged. Not that Kate really wears me out much, but I admit I am feeling quite frumpy and sore lately. I started going back to my chiro 3 weeks ago and oh my god how much I needed it. I put it off for 3 months because Kate wouldn’t let me put her down, period, and I had no clue how what to do with her while I got an adjustment. But finally she started being okay on a blanket on the floor, so that’s what I do now. She kicks and stares around the room while I’m on the table. I am, as my chiro put it, “very crunchy.” My back is SO tight it is absolutely ridiculous. I have a feeling the one-hour massage is only going to scratch the surface… but oh will I enjoy it.

As I sit here in the living room with the monitor turned up, as the rest of the gang is asleep in the bedroom, it occurs to me why Kate can sleep a 2-hour stretch during the day and not at night: the dogs are friggin noisy. They get up, scratch, drink, walk around, slam their bodies to the ground with a huff (what the hell, are they practicing for the WWE?)… how the heck do we manage to sleep through that? Well we do. Kate… not so much. I’ve already had to go back in to nurse her back to sleep, and expect I’ll have to do it again before I’m ready to call it a night. Grrr. (And in case you’re wondering, the dogs sleep on the floor, Kate’s in her crib, and Den’s in the bed. ;) )

::

Because air conditioner season is growing to a close and we will soon be saying goodbye to the white noise is provides, I bought a $20 CD player. I have some great lullabye CDs, but my current favorite for sleeping is actually a CD I purchased while doing IVF, it’s a relaxation cd for meditation and such. It’s lovely soft music to fall asleep to. Unfortunately it’s not quite so good at being white noise and blocking out other things, so to accomplish that I’m using her Sleep Sheep, the rainfall setting. I try not to test my luck with banging around, but it works pretty well for filtering out, say, the dogs barking downstairs.

Unfortunately the Sleep Sheep’s sounds are on a 45 minute timer, which means it cuts out before she’s had a decent nap, and most certainly doesn’t work all night long. The music I set on repeat all, so it plays constantly. But how irritating… I want the white noise to be constant, and the music to stop after so long. What to do, what to do. (The Sleep Sheep has underwhelmed me. I paid how much for a small plastic white noise maker with limited settings that is stuffed inside a stuffed animal?)

::

Kate’s eyes are turning decidedly brown. We figured they would, as they have been a steely grey-blue since she was born – she never had strikingly blue eyes. But I held out hope for blue. Mine are blue, as is my entire family’s. Den’s are brown. Brown is dominant but there was a small chance I would prevail. I’ve been studying her eyes practically every day since she was born trying to see any hint of what was to come, but all I’ve ever seen is grey-blue. Yesterday morning as I changed her diaper I looked deep into those eyes and noticed they were a little lighter, and a little more beige-tinted instead of grey. Today it is even more obvious, there is much less blue in them. Soon it will all be gone.

It’s such a silly thing, I mean she has many of my other traits. I don’t know why I held on to those eyes so hard – maybe because my eyes are one of my own favorite traits. But I am sad. Just a little.

::

What is with this warm weather all of a sudden?? Kate and I both slept like crap last night and I can tell it’s going to be another lovely night for us both. It is too warm for snuggles, and if I plug the AC back in I have to unplug the music. Grrrrr.

I think she might be related to me. LOL In pictures straight-on my face shape is much different than hers (mine was – and is – very long, hers is round), but the features, and certain angles? Wow.

Me, at 7 weeks old

Kate, 18 weeks