Pregnancy encompasses many not-pretty things. This is one of them.

Late last night on a forum some girls were laughing over how going commando (sans-underwear, for those who don’t know) is certainly not an option during pregnancy. We were all talking, of course, about the copious amounts of fluids that just sort of hang out down below.

Not an hour later I got up to go to the kitchen to put the kettle on the stove, then go to the washroom. In that order. (Bad idea.) I dutifully put my underwear and pants on, made my way into the kitchen… and promptly sneezed and peed myself. Ugh. Oh yeah. There’s that reason, too.

Did I mention I’ve been stuffed up since I got home? I think it’s just my sinuses adjusting to the cold here, or whatever change in environment. All I know is that I keep sneezing. You can always tell it’s me sneezing, since instead of, “Excuse me!” you’ll hear, “God damnit, not again!!” After the second time changing my underwear today I gave in and wore a panty-liner.

Middle of the night, laying here poking around shopping sites on my laptop, I feel the mounting need to pee, probably excaberated by the little one dancing around in there, jiggling things that probably shouldn’t be jiggled. Finally I get up the energy to heave myself out of bed (yes, this takes effort and planning)… and while doing so, managed to swallow wrong. I needed to cough. Bad. But here I am, naked, bladder full. Coughing would be very very bad, I am sure of this. So I end up making a mad dash to the toilet, choking and trying desperately not to cough. Yep, good times people. Good times. (You’ll be relieved to know I made it.)

Oh kid, how much you are going to hate reading this journal. I think I’m going to get it printed and bound, just for you. Maybe your wife will someday find it hysterical.

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My legs are really quite angry with me about the long travel day. I had a very restless, sore night last night, punctuated with a calf cramp or two. All day I’ve been fighting foot cramps, I have to keep massaging them out and flexing my feet very very carefully. And I bought some bananas.

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More online “window” shopping tonight. Because it’s the next best thing to actually spending money.

I want a silver “first year” frame. Baby’s First Year Boxed Frame – Circles or maybe this one My First Year Frame – Ovals

This Wendy Bellissimo outfit is way too cute, but it only comes in size Newborn. :( Waahhhh. Devin will probably be in newborn for all of a week. But gosh is that ever cute.

For a baby memory book I finally chose the Carter’s Train book and I cannot wait to get it!

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Damnit, why was I tired at 9pm and now at 3am I’m WIDE awake (and starving, of course). I think I’m going to have to go find some food – again – before I can even attempt to sleep. There will be no sleeping while my stomach is growling.

I will point out, however, that I went grocery shopping yesterday and bought only good foods: fruits, orange juice, yogurt, whole-grain bread and cereal. I feel better about myself already. It is very hard to avoid the chocolates, now that I’ve gotten my sweet tooth back (always been my problem), but the numbers on the scale have scared me enough that I have been scared back into healthy eating. LOL I just keep reminding myself that it’s what Devin needs. I allowed myself to be a pig for two whole weeks… now it’s back to reality. And it’s not as if I’m starving myself or forcing myself to eat foods that I hate… I still don’t eat things if I don’t like them. But the apples and pears and Cheerios and toast… I like it a lot. I just need to avoid the junky foods, that’s all.

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I really am hating this stuffed nose. I had gotten used to living in a state of half-cloggedness, but now suddenly I can’t breathe at night. I am irritated. That’s half the reason I am not sleeping well… my bed is comfortable as all heck, but soon as I lay down I can’t breathe! (Heck, I can barely breathe sitting up, right now.) I hope this is a passing phase.

I am home, safe and sound! The day went pretty smoothly, considering that three separate flights were involved in my travel across the U.S.

I have also decided that Northwest Air has the MOST uncomfortable seats in the entire world. I didn’t used to think so, but now I am sure. My pregnant butt does NOT like those seats – my tail bone starts aching after about a half hour and gets progressively worse. So, like the flights to Canada, I used my poor winter coat to give me a little softer seat and take some pressure off my tailbone. It worked, I suppose.

The other main complaint of the day was my freakin’ knee. I do not think this is pregnancy related, though it may have gotten worse because of pregnancy… but I remember this being an issue before. My right knee just starts aching and aching, and nothing save standing up relieves it. I was spending some time massaging around my knee trying to help, stretching my legs, folding my legs… anything I could. And it’s only my right knee. So I haven’t a clue what would cause that.

Oh did I mention the shin splints? Yeah, those again. Walking brisky through the Seattle/Tacoma airport quickly let me know how miserable navigating airports was going to be. “Hobble” would be a better word for my method of travel. Thank the light for airport shuttles right? Well, even though people took the few seats before I got there.

And finally, there was the heartburn. Gag gag. I have no idea why it was so bad today, I guess just some poor eating choices…. I should not have ordered those chicken strips on New Year’s day, and I most certainly should not have had one for breakfast yesterday. (After that I ate only a muffin and a huge ham and tomato wrap at the airports.) I guess it was just one of those days where everything I touched gave me heartburn. Blech.

So other than all that, it all went well. Got through security and customs very quickly, no issues (boy is it nice to cross the border without a problem! I love that permanent resident card!), my bags all made it onto all their planes, no flights were delayed… it was a pretty uneventful day, on the whole. I like travel days like that. I do wish that my travel days were a little shorter, but you know… the parents live a good long distance away. Sigh.

And luckily I was so focussed on having everything with me, getting to my next flight, etc, that I had no time to sit and cry or think about the fact that I was leaving. And now that I’m home, in my own bed (which, by the way, IS SO NICE AND SOFT!!!), everything else just kind of fades a little bit. I’m home, I’m safe.

Of course the house is a mess of fur and clutter, and it’s my job to clean it. The cat was just yowling outside the bedroom door (he wants to come in to accost us while we sleep), and the dog spent a good hour whining that daddy was paying more attention to mommy than him (and so he was grabbing random scraps of tissue and paper and eating them – just because he knows he’s not supposed to)… and while sitting here in the dark (dark, because it’s the only way I can get the dogs to settle down and sleep instead of squeaking toys all night) there was a crash out in the living room. Do I really want to know? Probably not.

I guess it’s the family’s way of saying, “Welcome home mom! Vacation’s over.” And we’re adding a baby into this chaos? We must be nuts.

Saying goodbye is a bitch. Especially when pregnantly hormonal and having to say goodbye to a dying dog. I’m a mess. :(

Edited to add: Sleeping is difficult when you can’t breathe and have a little one kicking you from the inside (and he’s kicking pretty hard)…. but every time he kicks I say, “Thank you, I know you’re there, I love you.” Amidst being so sad at leaving, I like the constant reminders that the most important thing in my life is coming with me. And of course my husband being at home waiting for me – I miss him so much. At least that balances out leaving, to some degree. Doesn’t make me any less sad… but it gives me something to look forward to.

My belly-button is starting to pop… but not in the way I expected it to. I guess I kind of expected it to gradually get completely flat, and then pop up like a mountain. It’s not. What happened is that it got shallower and stretched, so that my innie is squashed closed. And now the outer rim is popping upwards, kind of like a donut. I still technically have an innie… it’s just that the outer edges are rising up. And it still only happens in the evening, after eating quite a bit… at this very moment I still have an innie that is sunk in like a funnel. It’s totally hilarious. (And no, it still doesn’t hurt at all! Go figure!)

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I’m still getting used to being obviously pregnant. I know I’ve been showing for quite some time, but here at 6 months along I am apparently far enough that people will flat out ask me when I’m due, no more of those “Maayyybeeee she’s just fat…” looks. I love it, but it still catches me off-guard!

The other night when I was at the restaurant with my friends, when I went to the washroom there was a woman just going in with her 2 year old daughter. She looks at me and smiles and then says to her daughter, “She has a baby in her belly! See the baby?” And another day when I walked into a store the cashier, making small-talk, said pleasantly, “When are you due?” I just kind of stutter at that because I’m so unprepared for it, lol. I’m getting much better though. ;)

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PS I am still weighing myself weekly. My mom’s scale is unfortunately not a digital so figuring out the number is kind of a ballpark. But one thing is clear: between last saturday and this saturday I gained around 5 pounds. In one week. Holy yikies! It’s helping me round out, sure – but most of it is going right back to my ass where I lost the weight when I was sick. Damnit! Stupid ass! You need to let go of your baggage!

I guess I need to stop chowing down on the sweets. That’s my new year’s resolution. Once I’m home from vacation I’m putting away all the chocolates (got quite a few as little gifts – the GOOD stuff, the stuff I can’t bear to not eat) so they’re not such a temptation and I’m going to be buying fruits and healthy snacks. I really haven’t eaten this badly in a year. I think my mother got me mixed up with the turkey… every 5 minutes she’s asking me what she can make for me. Granted she’s offering veggies and fruits as well, but oh the food. It’s so hard to turn down offered food like that!

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The second half of 2007 sure turned out to be a wonderful year for me. I am just so very, very thankful. Today I’m going out with my mom to some of her friends’ houses to eat and visit, so I hope I’ll have a good time. I’m not really into celebrating “ringing in the new year” or anything. Den called me earlier and he was going to bed, so he’s certainly going to miss it, LOL.

Tomorrow I’ll be packing and then we have a big family dinner, a tradition on New Years Day. January 2 I go home! I am looking forward to my house, my bed, my dogs, my hubby – and not necessarily in that order! A 2 week vacation is a good length of time, I think. Just long enough that I am sad to be leaving still, but missing home.

Tonight I was sitting in the basement with my brother watching TV and chatting with him. The baby was starting to get quite active, so I had a hand on my belly to feel the kicks. I looked at my brother with a grin and said, “You want to feel the baby?”

There wasn’t even a pause before he said, “No!! That’s just… weird!”

I laughed and said it felt like something tapping on my insides. He shuddered dramatically and said, “Ewwww.”

Sometimes they are still little brothers – even when they’re “grown up”. LOL! Of course, this is a person who sticks his finger in his belly-button and then chases my mother around because he knows it grosses her out…. so I’m not so certain you could categorize him as “grown up” yet anyways. ;)

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I do make it a habit to go down to his room and sit there and chat with him every day. I used to do that all the time before I moved, and I really miss it.

Saturday night I was out with my college friends all evening for dinner. I ended up not getting home until 11:30. I walked in and poked my head into my brother’s room where he was gabbing with a friend, and he said, “I forgot you’d gone out. I was thinking, ‘Nat hasn’t come downstairs yet. Weird.’ And then I remembered you weren’t here.”

Later that evening, as I sat at my laptop checking in on things online he comes wandering into my bedroom with a cookie and a glass of coke, settles himself on the floor, and starts telling me about this and that. I love that I’m his sounding board. I am not in his circle of friends, I am not going to gossip, I am not going to judge. I just listen. I just feel extremely priviledged that he lets me in on his life like that.

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Today the whole family was in the car driving home from somewhere and my dad started complaining (yes he does this often) about some passing car’s headlights. “Fog lights, pah! There’s no fog! And those are too bright to be fog lights! They’re ditch lights!”

Cory and I said at the exact same moment, “Bitch lights!” Then we looked at each other and started giggling.

Sometimes I think we share a brain. (And no, we’re not twins!)

Gosh I’m becoming a totally sentimental pregnant lady. I just cannot possibly describe how freaking amazing this is. I know I’ve talked (what seems like ad-nauseum) about the wonder I feel but it’s never enough… it never really expresses everything that I feel. I seriously tear up watching my belly move. (Which makes it hard to watch the belly.)

I feel like this has been the best, most wonderful, most crazy and amazing experience of my life, bar none.

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This morning I just happened to be up and unable to sleep – combination of needing to pee and then having a stuffed up nose, enough that I couldn’t fall back asleep. Mom came in and told me to have a shower, we were going out for breakfast. Now to be honest I had my suspicions, I mean my mom usually gives me notice when she has something planned like that.

We got to the restaurant and the woman said, “Oh, you’re here for the baby shower?” Tee hee!! We walked into the back room and the ladies (some of mom’s friends, my aunt, grandma, cousin, and some of the older friends of the family) were chatting away and didn’t notice us come in. I said, “Surprize!” They all sat bolt-upright and said, “Agghhh!!! Surprize!!!” LOL! Then they were muttering that they’d never had the guest of honor walk in and surprize everyone ELSE.

So we all had a fantastic breakfast, I had a big waffle with strawberries and whipped cream. I opened some gifts – some gorgeous cards (seriously, where do they find these??), some very cute baby clothes, and the rest of them put money in so we could buy a crib! When I get home I’ll deposit the money into our account and then order it! It’s just so exciting to me – the first big “item” we’ll have purchased or received.

I really did have a great time, it was small and simple and just perfect. :) The “baby boy” balloons and teddy bear topiary covered with little baby items (brush, soap, cream, etc) were just so adorable. One of the women who organized it (my mother’s best friend) took photos of everything, so I’ll find a way to post them all soon as I get them.

One really interesting thing from the shower…. the baby gifts I did get were inside a towel-lined cardboard box. My aunt pointed out the box at one point and told me to look it over closer. It’s an obviously old box, rectangular with hand holes at each end. Inside it my first name and last initial (maiden name) is scrawled in large printing. Apparently this box was what I was sent home from the hospital in. My mom did say that they had a carseat for me, but the hospital provided this box for whatever reason, some sort of cardboard bassinett (mom couldn’t really remember exactly). My mom had absolutely no idea that this box was still around, but my uncle found it in their garage a while ago and kept it for the shower. Isn’t that crazy?

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Tonight I went out to have dinner with some of my old college friends while I’m still in town. We had a good dinner, and it was nice to just sit and chat and catch up with them. I did make a very big mistake, though. When leaving the restaurant I had half a thought to use the washroom, but for whatever reason I decided not to. Bad. Idea. We had to take the train back to where I’d parked, and by that point my bladder was in some serious pain. When we got off the train I spied a McDonald’s and excused myself to run in and use their washroom. It helped, but I was still feeling pain all the way home. Ouch. Just very very tender inside. I really should know better than that, pregnant women cannot ignore the need to pee! Let that be a lesson to me!

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I really need to get to sleep now. I didn’t get around to taking a belly pic today due to the surprize shower and subsequent nap, then being out all evening. I will be sure to take one tomorrow! I sure am looking bigger and rounder. (I just lurve it!)

It’s becoming a nightly ritual for me to recline in bed with my belly uncovered and watch it move around. Devin still gets quite active when I sit or lay down, especially in the evenings, so when I lay here in bed he almost always starts up. It’s just so… amazing. Feeling and watching him move makes me feel more connected than ever to him. I picture him laying in there, all curled up, being nourished and protected by my body. He is getting so big! It’s amazing just how much I love him already. I can only imagine how much more I’ll feel when I meet him.

Today I brought out my and my brother’s old baby memory book and photo album. My mom faithfully kept written notes on all my firsts… sitting, crawling, teething, walking, talking… you name it. It’s great to have. I think I’m going to scan them all in to the computer…. I’d like to have a backup copy, especially of the stuff written on loose paper. To me those books are practically the most valuable things in this house. I’ll also try to scan in some of the photos… I want all of them, but there are SO many it would take me months to get them all scanned in. Right in the beginning of the photo album there is a photo of my mother at 9 months pregnant with me, standing in their front garden. It was taken one day before I was born, and I was a week late. And she was TINY! Tiny little baby belly! My goodness!

I really had fun tonight looking through my brother’s baby album, imaginging what Devin will look like. I almost got all teary-eyed. Mom said I should ask MIL if she has any baby photos of Den, I would LOVE to see those!

My brother just had to compare bellies with me. LOL!

Off-topic for this journal, but… it’s my blog.

Bad news today. X-rays taken at the vet appointment today show that brother’s dog’s cancer has spread to the rest of her body. The tumor on her leg has gotten huge, which is obvious, and now she has small tumors in her chest. She doesn’t have long left… vet wouldn’t give a timeframe, but I’m thinking it’ll be weeks, at most a month. The family is trying to deal with the reality of losing her, even though she is still here. She’s only 3 years old, too. Fucking sucks, man.

I admit I am probably the epitome of pathetic, but Den left this morning, it’s not even 1 day later and I’m already feeling kind of lost and lonely without him.

Just to rewind time, I’ll point out that he and I spent our first three dating years separated because I was away at college. We wouldn’t see each other for 4 months at a time. So being here in my parents’ house (where I lived during college) without him around just brings back all kinds of lonely feelings!

I’m having a fine time with my parents and brother, the house is rarely ever empty… but it’s still strange to walk into my bedroom and not have Den napping on the bed or playing on the computer, like he has been the last few days. It’s always so reassuring just to sit on the floor beside him and just… be together. I sure miss it when he’s not around.