Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn<\/a>. He challenges the whole praise\/rewards paradaigm of child-rearing and offers alternative methods. There’s an excerpt (the first chapter) on his website. I’d like to get ahold of the book.<\/p>\nI guess I always figured I’d parent a kid the same way I parent my dogs, but I’m really starting to realize just how different the two are. I know people always told me that once I had a kid the dogs would become “just dogs” and I never really believed them. Not that I’m going to be locking the dogs in the backyard 24\/7 or anything like that, but there is a very definite shift in the way I view things now.<\/p>\n
Most of all I’ve been pondering on the fact that dogs stay in your charge, in your house, as “children” all their lives. Your goal as owner is to raise\/train them to be whatever you want them to be, to function as a part of your life. For us that means it’s not really necessary for the dogs to be able to function in crowds. Zoe is terrified of strangers. For the most part, though it can be frustrating and cause a few hiccups along the way, it doesn’t really affect the family. We’re not the kind of family who entertains often, and we don’t normally take our dogs out into public places. Maybe we would more often if the dogs were very well-adjusted in those situations, but they’re not and it’s okay. Zoe is a very happy-go-lucky girl in this house with us, she adores the cats, she gets along fabulously with Zeeke, and she’s a very lovey, cuddly dog with Den and I.<\/p>\n
Contrast that to a child. A child with severe social anxiety is a totally different matter. You can’t say, “Well it’s okay, the kid will just never leave the house.” Your goal as a parent is not simply to have the child function within your household – the ultimate goal is to raise a self-sufficient human being who will join society as a functional adult. The child, unlike the dogs, will not remain dependent on you for everything. A dog you teach to listen to you – the alpha person – to follow your house rules, always. A child you need to teach to think for himself… to make rational and logical decisions… to develop a code of ethics and morals… to have compassion for others… to have a sense of worth and self-respect. So many many more things. And as a parent-to-be it’s pretty freaking scary! Hell, I don’t even consider myself a fully functional adult, yet I need to raise one?!<\/p>\n
So I’ll be reading some, thinking about how exactly I want to go about teaching this child to be a human being, and trusting in my own sense of judgement to get me through. All a learning process. I’m still scared that no matter what I do my kid will be a little hellion, or grow up to be a drug user, or run off in a motorcycle gang and come home covered in tattoos with some slutty woman. Not that it does me ANY good to think of these terrible things that might happen, but it’s a hard concept to accept that my child will grow up to be what he<\/i> wants to be – parenting influence can only do so much! I just have to trust in him, and in us, and do my best.<\/p>\n
Right now, he’s potential. He could be anything, anything at all. He could grow up to be a big football player like his daddy wants, he could grow up to be an awkward, nerdy physicist, he could end up a gothy artist… and I’m looking forward to meeting him and finding out who he is, this little person we created.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Friday evening I chatted with my mom and told her about SIL’s pregnancy. “Oh, another grandchild for [MIL]! Do they know if it’s twins or not yet?” LOL The first question asked in this family. I later said, “Well, at least you don’t have to worry about having another grandchild… not like Cory’s going to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[18,9,76,32,57],"class_list":["post-934","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-books","tag-family","tag-ivf-3","tag-plans","tag-pregnant"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/934","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=934"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/934\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=934"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=934"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=934"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}