Today I’m actually feeling more excited than nervous about our ultrasound. I want it to be Thursday already! I’m so annoyed with any work-stuff I have to do, because all I want to do is sleep until Thursday. (My preferred method of being unconcious while time passes.) I’m really excited at the prospect of seeing our baby. A bunch of my friends have gotten early ultrasound recently and it’s just very exciting to know that I’m next! I can still hardly believe that it’s my turn, my baby.<\/p>\n
Of course the fear is still there. While talking to my supervisor at work yesterday she asked about my ultrasound and I mentioned how scared I was. And I swear to god, I couldn’t even get one sentence out without choking up and getting watery eyes. Just the thought that something might not be right sends me into a panic. I told her if there’s no heartbeat, I really don’t know what we’ll do. I really don’t. I think I will completely fall apart. I think we both will.<\/p>\n
But there’s no sense dwelling on it. I want to stay positive.<\/p>\n
I had a dream last night\/this morning about the baby. I was pregnant, and we had arrived at the hospital. I had my clothes all over the sidewalk and was hastily stuffing select items in a little bag for delivery. (A security guy came over to tell me I couldn’t have my clothes all over like that!)<\/p>\n
Then the next part of the dream I was in the L&D wing, walking past desks to sign in. I think that was about the point in the dream when I realized I was only 16 weeks pregnant, and I started freaking out because it was way too early for the baby to come. I was trying to explain to my parents (who were there) and Den why babies need to stay in longer, and it’s too soon. Then the thought of being on hospital bedrest for months started freaking me out.<\/p>\n
And at the end of the dream, when I was set up in a room, someone came in and took my TV away! Wheeled it down the hall for something or someone else. I remember being upset because there was a special video in it (of an ultrasound or something?) and I wanted that video back!<\/p>\n
So yep, first pregnancy dream so far!<\/p>\n
It’s funny talking about fears, because the things you fear aren’t usually the things that get you.<\/p>\n
I was so worried about morning sickness hitting me. And it did. And… it’s not that bad. No, dry heaving in a toilet isn’t pleasant (especially when the smell of the toilet makes me feel worse). But it comes and it goes, and eating seems to make me feel fine for an hour or two. It’s not what I expected at all. I expected it to be like… food poisoning. Like throwing up again and again, and not finding relief. But this on-again off-again thing I can handle. The mild nausea feeling reminds me that someone’s in my belly, and that’s not really a bad thing.<\/p>\n
On the other hand, that gas stomach ache I had last week I didn’t expect at all, and that was aweful<\/i>.<\/p>\n
I was also afraid the last few months that the progesterone pills would make my pregnancy feel less “normal” – that it would be a hassle and detract from the good stuff. And really I don’t even notice them. I take them three times a day, but it’s not something I obsess over or think about all the time. The panty liners are a bit of a bummer, but again, not something that’s really in my span of conciousness for too long. I just go through a lot of them, that’s all. Even the patches on my ass aren’t so bad anymore… I figured out how to make them come off without hurting quite so much (either that or I have no nerve endings left on my ass), so that’s just another ritual to perform.<\/p>\n
Other things I’m starting to be afraid\/worried\/concerned about with this pregnancy – both the foolish and the serious:<\/p>\n
* Losing my boobs. I’m looking forward to having big boobs during pregnancy and breastfeeding. But everything I read says your boobs shrink to SMALLER than they were when you’re done. You know how many years it took for my boobs to grow to a C-cup? I’m irrationally proud of them. I like my boobs. I hope I don’t lose them completely. That would suck.<\/p>\n
* My belly button popping. I have a super sensitive innie (Den is even not allowed to touch it, drives me crazy), and I think it popping out is going to really freak me out. Just a hunch.<\/p>\n
* That I’ll never be able to not be scared of something happening. “Once we get the second beta… ” “If I could just see the heartbeat… ” “Once I’m out of the first trimster… ” “Once the baby’s born… ” I don’t think I’ll ever start worrying. Shit even watching things on TV with older kids now has me freaking out. You let your kids do that?! Someone’s going to break their neck!! OMG my kid is never doing that!!<\/i> I just hope I can find it in me to relax a little.<\/p>\n
* That my kid won’t love me.<\/p>\n
I’d write more, but I’m so tired and I need a brief nap. I hope it doesn’t compromise my ability to sleep tonight. But.. who cares, I don’t have to get up at 6am tomorrow. Ha!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Today I’m actually feeling more excited than nervous about our ultrasound. I want it to be Thursday already! I’m so annoyed with any work-stuff I have to do, because all I want to do is sleep until Thursday. (My preferred method of being unconcious while time passes.) I’m really excited at the prospect of seeing […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[19,76,57],"class_list":["post-793","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-dreams","tag-ivf-3","tag-pregnant"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/793","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=793"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/793\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=793"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=793"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=793"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}