{"id":718,"date":"2007-07-03T00:38:29","date_gmt":"2007-07-03T04:38:29","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/ttc\/?p=718"},"modified":"2007-07-03T00:42:00","modified_gmt":"2007-07-03T04:42:00","slug":"the-point-at-which-i-wake-up-and-say-what","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/?p=718","title":{"rendered":"The point at which I wake up and say, “What??”"},"content":{"rendered":"

First a little plug for my other site – on Baby Blogorama I’m hosting a Blog Blast. Go check it out!<\/a> Even if you’re not a regular reader of Baby Blogorama, write up a post and send it in. I’m so looking forward to reading all the different stories people have. I’ll be writing mine up later in the week.<\/p>\n

::<\/p>\n

My period is… thinking about starting. There is blood happening this evening. This is a good sign. It does, however, seem reticent to actually start flowing. It is spotting… sort of.<\/p>\n

::<\/p>\n

A good forum buddy of mine (I call them “forum buddies” to differentiate from “blog buddies” and “longtime buddies” but they are so much more than simply friends on a forum) loaned me a book: Inconceivable<\/a>, by Julia Indichova. It arrived today in the mail, a package sitting in the mailbox waiting for me. I always get excited when I get packages, even if I’m also perplexed because I know I haven’t recently ordered anything.<\/p>\n

I said to my husband as I opened the package, “My friend read this book and got pregnant shortly after. Then she loaned it to another friend of mine and she<\/i> got pregnant too.” (One from IVF, the other IUI.)
\n“What are you waiting for?” he said in reply. “Start reading!”<\/p>\n

So I did.<\/p>\n

The first couple of chapters didn’t really help my sulky mood. She already has a child. She’s over 40 with high FSH. She knows nothing about my situation. Doctors won’t touch her, she’s going to chinese herbalists! This isn’t at all like my journey.<\/i><\/p>\n

But then it really started to take hold of me. And it wasn’t what I expected. I don’t know what<\/i> I expected – I just know that this wasn’t it. It was what I needed to hear right now. I am still trying to figure out why.<\/p>\n

It wasn’t because I think that what she did will get me pregnant. Not only do I not have the same problems as she did, but I do still firmly think that our problem is quite medical and probably will only be bypassed by IVF. That certainly hasn’t changed. I am not going to run out and drink wheatgrass or see a chinese herbalist.<\/p>\n

But there were a few paragraphs in there that really made me stop and think about my life and how I’m living it.<\/p>\n

There was a point, before and during IVF#1, that I was trying to put myself – my body – first. I was feeling de-stressed and very positive about the cycle, I was attempting to eat healthy and exercise. Maybe the bulk of it was before IVF#1 even came into being, but it was in the past year. And I felt good<\/i>. I don’t even know what happened, but it all fell apart. I can name some outside factors that changed, but I know the real culprit was inside me. I gave up trying. Things got hard, I fell behind, and I quit.<\/p>\n

When IVF#1 failed I really threw in the towel. I’ve been miserable. But more than being miserable I gave up<\/i>. Not on our treatments, obviously – but on me<\/i>. When I feel depressed – even if it’s not full-blown depression (which this wasn’t, at least not for more than a day or two) – my willpower goes out the window. Eat healthy? Fuck that, I feel like cake. Exercise? I’m miserable, I’m going to stay in bed. Be productive? I want to wallow.<\/p>\n

The worst part is that it’s a self-perpetuating spiral. I’ve gained around 4lbs just since last cycle, and am truly at my highest weight ever – and I know it’s not because of any medications. I say it doesn’t matter, that I’m okay with it, but you know that inside that just makes me feel more miserable, more inclined to giving in next time because “well it’s already gone this far.” And the stress, oh the stress! Just like stress doesn’t cause infertility, stress did not cause my current state of mind. My state of mind caused a great standstill and that<\/i> has caused my current stress.<\/p>\n

I feel incompetent, because I have been slacking and falling behind. For me – forever dealing with OCPD and depression – the feeling of falling behind is the most horrible thing ever. It’s why I gave up on my original healthy kick. It’s the fear that no matter how hard I try it will never be good enough – that no matter what I do now, the past has irrevocably ruined my chances to be on schedule again. Whether that’s time-wise, or organization-wise, or whatever schedule or order my brain has cooked up. And this constant struggle, to want to be better – no, to want to be perfect<\/i> – and the overwhelming and constant<\/i> feeling of failure leads to a hell of a lot of stress and unhappiness.<\/p>\n

Which puts me at today. This book, for whatever reason, was a gentle slap on the cheek. It’s time to stop wallowing and start doing. It’s time to stand up and take control again. Maybe I can’t change the outcome of my cycles – but I can change me in the meantime.<\/p>\n

I don’t have to live 20lbs overweight, I don’t have to live with the feeling of constantly being behind, and I certainly don’t have to live in a state of misery. Maybe I won’t lose those 20lbs before getting pregnant – maybe I won’t ever lose them. But I can put my feet on the right path and be proud of myself for it. I can never get myself “caught up” on everything I’ve ever fallen behind on. But this is not an exam. People are not watching me, taking score. I am not getting graded by how perfectly I accomplish everything.<\/i> And I am certainly not gaining points by how MUCH I can accomplish. I am draining myself and for no good reason.<\/p>\n

I need to set myself a plan of action, instead of waking up at 3am worrying about all those niggling things that “need to be done”. (That was last night.)<\/p>\n

* Food. I’ve been thinking about food all day, even before I read the book. I read once that eating protein can help your eggs… and that caffeine can be not so good. I already drink no coffee or soda, but chocolate is my downfall. Cutting back on that could<\/i> help my cycle… but it will definitely<\/i> help my hips. So let’s edge back towards what I was attempting to do before: no fad diets, no radical changes. Stop eating the chocolate and the junk “comfort foods” and start fueling my body with good things.<\/p>\n

* Organization and Procrastination. Oh these are my two arch-enemies. I want so so badly for everything to be organized it can literally hurt me inside when it’s so effed up around here. But here comes my good friend Procrastination, egged on by a good helping of Holy Fuck I’ll Never Fix This. I need to start tackling small<\/i> chunks and telling Procrastination to bother someone else. Oh, FlyLady…<\/i><\/p>\n

* Work projects. Let’s make a list (started that today) and just get them done. No more “extra” projects after I complete my current ones. I do enjoy doing them, but I need to focus on my business right now, and I need to simplify. And I need to keep one very very important thing in mind: how important really is this project\/call\/email?<\/i> Is it important enough to intrude on my peace of mind? Is it as important as my IVF, my home, my family? No. So let it go. I’m going to set up a schedule, and I need to start leaving my work concerns behind at “work”, even if “work” may be right here on my laptop. There is a time for work, and there is a time for me – and for my own sanity I need to draw a line between them and stop letting it all bleed over.<\/p>\n

* Mind myself. As I have mentioned before, I need to give myself more attention, more time. Whether it is scrapbooking that I am “behind” on (see above), knitting, my own website and pet projects (note that baby blogo falls under a pet project, not a work project – it’s actually fun and fulfilling my own needs and desires, not someone else’s) or reading, I need to schedule time for myself<\/i>. And this is not time to stress out. This is time to unwind, to be at peace. Time to rebuild myself. Retreating to bed and being miserable is not rebuilding myself.<\/i> At least not the way I’ve been doing it. I needed time to grieve – but I should have given myself equal time to redirect myself. I didn’t.<\/p>\n

Life shouldn’t be a constant struggle… struggle with deadlines, projects, organization, emotions. After so much of it I can’t keep it up. It’s time to de-clutter my life, re-focus on my priorities, and remind myself that I am in control of myself<\/i>.<\/p>\n

There’s a chance all this resolve won’t survive until morning. But there’s a chance it will. In the morning I go to work, and hopefully I do it with a much better sense of clarity.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

First a little plug for my other site – on Baby Blogorama I’m hosting a Blog Blast. Go check it out! Even if you’re not a regular reader of Baby Blogorama, write up a post and send it in. I’m so looking forward to reading all the different stories people have. I’ll be writing mine […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[18,10,55,7],"class_list":["post-718","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-books","tag-den-and-me","tag-ivf2","tag-thoughts-and-emotions"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/718","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=718"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/718\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=718"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=718"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=718"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}