I had a long nap today. It didn’t do much for my emotional stability. We decided to take the dogs outside for a little while, all I had to do was throw on some sweats and shoes and put their leashes on. I couldn’t find my sandals. I knew I had just seen them in the house, sitting out in the open, but do you think I could find them again? Not a chance. I have a bunch of other shoes to wear, but they all require socks and I have no clean socks. I wanted my goddamn sandals, and I couldn’t find them.<\/i> I was really starting to lose my temper, stomping through the house back and forth, when I found them. Crisis averted… right?<\/p>\n
I baked some bread to eat with dinner. After it was baked and the food made I decided it was the wrong bread for the meal and was upset for the next hour because it didn’t taste quite right with my soup. I should have bought some ciabatta bread from the grocery store, but by then it was too late and the store was closed.<\/p>\n
And then finally, 11:30 at night, my husband comes to bed. I realize I still have to take my pills, including my first birth control pill of the cycle. I couldn’t find them.<\/i> I know, I KNOW, I had just had them in my hands. I had pulled them out of my nightstand where I stashed them last cycle when I was done, and put them somewhere<\/i>. Problem was, I couldn’t figure out where “somewhere” was.<\/p>\n
And I just snapped. I was berating myself for losing the one effing important thing right now, I’m so disorganized right now, timing is so critical this month and I need my birth control pills now, tonight<\/i>. I just burst into tears in the middle of the kitchen and started sobbing.<\/p>\n
Mere seconds later I found the stupid pills package sitting on a chair<\/i> in the living room (why on a chair? I will never, ever know), grabbed them, and went back into the bedroom and threw myself onto the bed where my very confused and concerned husband tried to comfort me as I sobbed into my pillow.<\/p>\n
Den kept asking me what was wrong, since I had found the pills, but I couldn’t even answer. Everything<\/i> was wrong. I failed. I failed at making a baby when I was given two perfect, beautiful little embryos, and now I can’t even find my damn pills when I need them<\/i>. Why these two things are\/were at all the same in my head I can’t say, but it sure sparked off a whole mess of emotions in me.<\/p>\n
I only cried for a minute or less, and yeah I did feel better when I was done. Foolish for completely losing it because I couldn’t find something, but better.<\/p>\n
My thoughts today have revolved around “degrees” of infertility. How, when we started treatment, I used to be the tiniest bit concerned that I would get pregnant with just a couple of clomid pills and I wouldn’t “truly” be infertile… worried about being “that person” who acts like an infertile and whines and cries and then gets pregnant right away. The one other IFers can have a hard time sympathizing with, after a year of failed treatments. Not that I wouldn’t have been completely thrilled with getting pregnant,<\/i> don’t get me wrong.<\/p>\n
Today I was thinking about how, now, I am really truly an infertile. No magical first-time’s-the-charm for us. No “Oh, well, it was just bad luck!” We’re going into IVF#2 with ICSI<\/i>. I never considered that we might need ICSI. It simply never crossed my mind… just like the thought that we wouldn’t have tons of embryos didn’t really enter into consideration either. I can feel myself moving from “hopeful new-to-treatment” to “bitter and frustrated veteran” and I don’t much care for it at all. I hope this anger and frustration fades away. I would like to have some<\/i> hope back. I can’t live with all this emotional baggage forever.<\/p>\n
And we still have that family gathering to go to tomorrow. Den’s sympathetic to my not wanting to be in social situations right now<\/i> feeling, but of course we have to go. I’ve told him I’m bringing my knitting and may not really feel like being a chatty cathy. I guess there’s a chance it’ll turn out to be fun, but there’s also a pretty good chance I could burst into tears in the middle of the kitchen and hide in the bathroom for an hour. Flip a coin. On second thought, don’t… we haven’t been very lucky with gambling lately.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I had a long nap today. It didn’t do much for my emotional stability. We decided to take the dogs outside for a little while, all I had to do was throw on some sweats and shoes and put their leashes on. I couldn’t find my sandals. I knew I had just seen them in […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[55,7],"class_list":["post-693","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-ivf2","tag-thoughts-and-emotions"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/693","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=693"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/693\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=693"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=693"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=693"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}