On the forums I like to poke my head into the pregnancy groups (you know, the kind that are grouped by month) to just see what’s going on – especially when I’m in the 2ww and hopeful that I’ll get to join them. Like with everything baby, sometimes it hurts to look, but sometimes it’s reassuring to look and think someday that will be me<\/i>.<\/p>\n
Today as I was looking in the latest one (Sept-Oct, which I am quite obviously not going to be in) I checked out a poll they had asking the pregnant girls what # this one was for them. There was a small number of #1s, a much larger number of #2s, and a good number of #3s and #4s. I flipped through the replies, seeing all the baby-birthday tickers along with the new pregnancy tickers.<\/p>\n
And I realized then that it’ll never be “okay”. When we crossed the line into infertility and all that resentment and anger and frustration just kept building up I maintained the belief that once I got pregnant it would all be okay. I’d never forget<\/i>, but I just felt like I’d be able to leave it all behind me and just be pregnant. But I don’t think that’s what’s going to happen anymore. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to look at someone laughing that they got pregnant by accident and not wonder Why is it so easy for other people, and so hard for me?<\/i> I don’t think being pregnant and having a baby will ever really erase this sadness from my heart. Not when we’ll want to try again, and will have to live with the knowledge that we’re likely going to have to go through all of this again.<\/p>\n
Maybe I’ll be wrong. Maybe knowing I have a baby inside me will make everything better so I can just feel happy for everyone. But I don’t think so.<\/p>\n
When Den and I were driving home from the IVF class he was expressing his frustration and concern. He told me he’ll never stop worrying. He said when he didn’t know anything getting pregnant seemed like such a simple thing. But now he knows all the details of what happens, of what can go wrong<\/i>… it seems so much more complicated, so much more fragile. And he mentioned that even when I get pregnant he’ll still worry – when he wouldn’t have before.<\/p>\n
Infertility has changed us irrevocably. I like to think it has and will make us stronger – stronger as a couple and stronger as an individual. But it’ll always be a weight we carry. It will never truly go away.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
On the forums I like to poke my head into the pregnancy groups (you know, the kind that are grouped by month) to just see what’s going on – especially when I’m in the 2ww and hopeful that I’ll get to join them. Like with everything baby, sometimes it hurts to look, but sometimes it’s […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[10,7],"class_list":["post-536","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-den-and-me","tag-thoughts-and-emotions"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/536","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=536"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/536\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=536"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=536"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=536"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}