I really thought naming a girl was going to be a long drawn-out process. Den hates pretty much my entire list of names (too foofy, too hippy), and I dislike most of his (usually too old-fashioned, except for his favorite choice which was a little too unusual even for my tastes). Katherine was a one-off, and it was just the perfect name for our little girl. So we really didn’t discuss names at all this pregnancy, other than for me to confirm that I still don’t agree with his favorite choice.<\/p>\n
We walked out of the ultrasound and said something offhand about names. I said, “Well there’s still that name I tossed around last year, you said you liked it.” He said he’d put it on the short list. Later that day he called me and said, “I’m in on the name.” I asked him what the rest of his short list was, just out of curiosity; “Just that one.” Well then, that doesn’t leave much options! I’d already gone through a bunch of names list only to confirm that there really is nothing else that jumps out at me. Just the one. So I guess we pretty much have a name!<\/p>\n
This little girl will be called Ember Cailet. (See, he got his choice in as the middle name, it works nicely!) Ember. Our little spark. I think it’s rather fitting. It is a different style completely from Katherine and will likely throw off family, but it fits well with Kate and Devin.<\/p>\n
::<\/p>\n
Baby girl has gotten wicked active this week. I’ve been feeling movement for weeks now, and the ultrasound tech did confirm that my placenta is posterior (not a suprise!), but the last few days there have been dance parties in my belly. Last night I could feel her rolling and stretching and pushing in a much stronger, bigger way than I expect for being only 18 weeks along. I’m feeling bigger kicks too, it seems every time I sit down she whacks me. But as opposed to how Kate would always kick like crazy whenever anything pressed against her, be it a counter, tight pants or a hand, this one seems to quiet right down whenever I try to feel her. Last night when she was moving around I put Den’s hand on my belly and of course she stopped. As soon as he rolled over and fell asleep she kicked it up again. Funny how they’re so different.<\/p>\n
::<\/p>\n
A commenter was right though: I have felt very disconnected from this pregnancy. I don’t know if it’s because I’m still not over the surprise of it all. Or if it’s simply because I have Kate running around so I can’t lay in bed rubbing and talking to my belly all day like I did with Devin and Kate. Maybe a little bit of both. I feel guilty about it. Like I should<\/i> be feeling more, doing more. I take belly pictures every other week (which, I know, I haven’t posted. I’ll get them up shortly.), I write in here about stuff when it happens, I have bookmarked little things to buy for this baby. But it still just doesn’t feel real<\/i>. That doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate the miracle of it. I’m just still a little slack-jawed over it all.<\/p>\n
I don’t know how much I really wrote about it at the time, since I was kind of distracted and busy, but when I gave birth to Kate I was overwhelmingly relieved and…. numb. I felt extremely disconnected from the child in my arms. I had bonded so much with the baby in my belly that it was hard to fit the two pieces together, like I had lost the baby I knew so well and gained this tiny little infant that felt like someone else’s. Being in the hospital with her was extremely disconcerting because it really felt like she was the hospital’s baby, that someone would come take her away. I worried why I didn’t feel more, where was that overwhelming love and bonding that people talked about? Den was crying all the time when holding her and going on and on about how beautiful she was and I just… didn’t feel it.<\/p>\n
Granted it didn’t last long, less than a week I’d say, and holding her against my skin helped a lot. Bringing her home was the first time I really felt like I was holding my<\/i> child. That overwhelming love and bonding certainly came, but it came on slowly, not all at once as I gazed at my newborn for the first time the way I expected.<\/p>\n
How I feel now about this pregnancy feels a lot like that did. Like I’m still waiting for someone to realize the mistake and take this pregnancy back. I feel guilty sometimes, and very frustrated, because it the last two weren’t like this. But I also have faith that when the baby is born, whether it happens right away or slowly like with Kate, that it will all seem right with the world.<\/p>\n
::<\/p>\n
I think it’s important to remember that a loss leaves you with a lot of extra baggage. After a while that baggage gets safely stowed somewhere, but once in a while something drops on you unexpectedly. My ultrasound was like that. I haven’t cried for Devin like that in a long, long time. I never consciously thought that this baby was replacing him – how could it? – but I guess part of me was hoping for some kind of healing. But my family will never be complete, because Devin is not here… will never be here. My two daughters are supposed to have a big brother running around looking after them. As amazing as my life is, as happy as I am day to day, as wonderful as my family is, there will always be a part of me that is broken.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I really thought naming a girl was going to be a long drawn-out process. Den hates pretty much my entire list of names (too foofy, too hippy), and I dislike most of his (usually too old-fashioned, except for his favorite choice which was a little too unusual even for my tastes). Katherine was a one-off, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[570],"tags":[252,567],"class_list":["post-3929","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-kates-second-year","tag-devin","tag-pregnancy-3"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3929","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3929"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3929\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3930,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3929\/revisions\/3930"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3929"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3929"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3929"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}