First things first: baby looks healthy. It was curled up with knees above head, which made it hard for the tech to get all the pictures she needed. But everything looks completely normal, heartrate is great, all the parts are there. Baby was kicking me on the way to the ultrasound so at least I knew it was alive. But still I cried in relief when I saw the baby’s face and hands and legs, all moving about.<\/p>\n
She took a look between the legs and said, “Looks like a girl.” And I just couldn’t help it, but I started crying little tears. I’ll be okay for a little bit and then start crying again. And it feels totally selfish and ridiculous to me, but my heart hurts. A part deep down inside me wants to yell, but I don’t WANT another girl, I want Devin back!<\/i> If he had lived we would have a boy and a girl and now… now. Now he’s gone and I’m going to have two girls and I just totally can’t wrap my brain around that. Nothing has brought up this much old grief in years. I just keep sobbing over the boys outfits in the basement that now I have no idea what to do with, and mostly over this picture I had in my head of what this family would be.<\/p>\n
And making it worse is that we had a name picked out for a boy and for a while I was tentatively calling it “he”. I went into this ultrasound really hoping to connect with this baby and instead I feel totally knocked off my feet and more alienated than ever. I can’t even picture a girl. I already have Kate. I am irrationally angry at this baby for not being what I thought it was… hoped it was.<\/p>\n
I know I’ll be fine in a little bit, it’ll just take some time to process this. I know logically that I’ll love this child and bond with it eventually. But right now my heart really hurts. I really miss you, Devin.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
First things first: baby looks healthy. It was curled up with knees above head, which made it hard for the tech to get all the pictures she needed. But everything looks completely normal, heartrate is great, all the parts are there. Baby was kicking me on the way to the ultrasound so at least I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[570],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3919","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-kates-second-year"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3919","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3919"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3919\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3952,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3919\/revisions\/3952"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3919"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3919"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3919"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}