I feel guilty that I do not feel more sadness. I read others who have been through loss like I have, who have also had a living child and they seem to grieve more. I don’t know what that means. Did the years of infertility treatments change my reaction? Is it timing? Is it just a difference in personality? Or does it just mean I am going to get hit with a wall of grief one of these days soon. Some days I think I can feel one waiting just around the corner.<\/p>\n
I have become far too comfortable answering “Yes, she is our first.” Often there is the briefest of pauses before it rattles off my tongue; I don’t think anyone notices. More guilt – not just as a mom, but also as a woman, a spokesperson, if you will. My silence, my picture of perfect happiness, turns me into someone I’m not. Is that the image I want to give?<\/p>\n
Interestingly, I find it much more effortless to mention the infertility and IVF than Devin, the loss. Infertility is becoming leads of a taboo subject, I’ve noticed. It is common and slowly it is being talked about in a casual and honest way. It’s not a big deal when I mention that Kate is a product of IVF; there is sometimes some curiosity, usually just a simple acknowledgment. Plus it is always my choice whether to mention it or not. No one starts conversation with, “Was she conceived naturally?”<\/p>\n
Stillbirth, on the other hand, brings a conversation to a halt. There are the stutters, the apologies, the awkward pauses. It is never just, “My son, Devin.” It’s always, “My son, Devin, who died.” I just got tired of trying to explain, tired of dealing with the reactions, tired of throwing cold water on conversations. So instead I say, “Yes,” and paint a pretty picture that doesn’t exist.<\/p>\n
I just wish everyone knew and I didn’t have to explain it over and over again. She’s<\/em> our <\/em>first live child we are raising. She is not our first child.<\/em> <\/em>Our <\/em>son<\/em> was stillborn two years ago. It was terrible and we miss him every day, but we are blessed with a beautiful daughter and we live with <\/em>as <\/em>much <\/em>joy <\/em>as <\/em>we <\/em>can<\/em>.<\/em> But how can words possibly convey how our lives changed forever, how we live in this double world where there are no simple explanations?<\/p>\n So I don’t even try. I feel like a coward.<\/p>\n It wouldn’t be so hard if the question wasn’t the first one that everyone asked. But it is.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I feel guilty that I do not feel more sadness. I read others who have been through loss like I have, who have also had a living child and they seem to grieve more. I don’t know what that means. Did the years of infertility treatments change my reaction? Is it timing? Is it just […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3125","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3125","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3125"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3125\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3125"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3125"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3125"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}