I am having a crisis blogger identity. 11:30 at night when the baby is asleep is very poor timing for a crisis of blogging identity, but I suppose they come when they come. So I lay here in bed staring at the ceiling and over-thinking everything – much like how I spent all my free time today fretting over whether I should get a nursing necklace from place A or place B. (No I still don’t know, and yes I have issues.)<\/p>\n
This blog was originally intended simply to be a record of a pregnancy and raising a baby. I was going to share it with some friends, but mainly it was just for posterity. That’s not what it became. Over the past four and a half years I’ve leaned heavily on this space, both as an invaluable outlet and as a place of support, due to the IF community. So now that I’m finally there on the other side, where I intended to be years ago without much fanfare, I’m left trying to figure out how to use this space.<\/p>\n
I have written so much of my emotional roller-coaster in the journey to get here, now it feels the roller-coaster has glided to a stop. I am happy. Simply, unquestionably happy. I keep waiting for the other stuff to come crashing in on me at any moment, but it doesn’t. Even when I think about going through IVF again in the future it no longer feels desperate, no longer feels like my only thread to sanity, to hope. Hope and joy and the future are all asleep on my lap at this very second. If I never get anything more out of life I could be content.<\/p>\n
How many times can I say the same things? Day 53: Yep, still happy.<\/i> So instead I write about my baby, my day-to-day events; I revert back to the blog’s original purpose to be a record of my child. But after all this blog has been through that feels so… divergent, trivial. Now I have readers, now I have a community I feel beholden to. Every time I start to write there I go, mentally stuttering again.<\/p>\n
I no longer feel comfortable in my own space, and I don’t know what to do about that. I keep waiting for that weird feeling to go away, but it still hasn’t. I almost feel like I need to set up somewhere new, somewhere fresh, somewhere that is only about Kate and joy and the life we lead, somewhere that isn’t so steeped in fear and loss and sadness. But then that feels like I’d be cutting out my past, my history… my son. What I went through to get here is as important to me as where I am now. How do I balance both?<\/p>\n
So I don’t know what to do. At the very least this space must change from how I view it in my head. I just am not sure how that needs to happen for me to reclaim it as my own again.<\/p>\n
Of all the things to not be adjusting well to, my blogging identity seems like a rather minor thing. But here I am, spending a sleepless night trying to figure it out.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I am having a crisis blogger identity. 11:30 at night when the baby is asleep is very poor timing for a crisis of blogging identity, but I suppose they come when they come. So I lay here in bed staring at the ceiling and over-thinking everything – much like how I spent all my free […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3050","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3050","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3050"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3050\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3052,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3050\/revisions\/3052"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3050"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3050"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3050"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}