Breastfeeding is harder than expected. After doing it for nearly two weeks I have a much greater appreciation for why people try it and decide to go with formula. I realized it was going to take a lot of time and I was prepared for that, but I don’t think I was prepared for how much pain is involved in figuring it out and how after cluster-feeding for several hours on already sore and sensitive nipples all you really want to do is remove your boobs from your body. That being said, I know it will get better and I have absolutely not intention whatsoever of giving up. I believe that this is what is best for my baby, best for me, and that I will make it work.<\/p>\n
It’s already getting better. My nipples are not blistered anymore, though they’re still sore enough that I have to shower carefully so I can avoid the spray hitting them, and that sometimes even the fabric from my bra hurts. I’m also not engorged 24\/7 anymore. I think it was about Monday morning when I pumped off some of the excess after Katherine had her breakfast, just enough that I no longer felt like I had bowling balls on my chest – up until that point she was never draining the boobs, they always hurt. Since then it hasn’t come back quite as bad. After she zonks out for a several-hour nap they do get hard and sore, but thankfully it’s short-lived before she empties them.<\/p>\n
Kate has developed an evening fussy period, something that I know is very common. Last night it was some gas bubbles at fault, so we’re trying to make sure we burp her when she starts fussing. Then of course there’s a couple of diaper changes and feeding. On one hand I’m really glad I’m breastfeeding so I can put her to the boob when she’s fussy – tonight she was on and off the boob for several hours, cluster-feeding. It’s hard on the nipples, but it’s really really good to have something that can calm her down so she’s not screaming for 3 hours straight. We do give her a pacifier sometimes, such as when she’s really fussy and just wants to suck on something, but tonight even that wasn’t working, she’d spit it out. She wanted boob. And she wasn’t even eating, just half-heartedly sucking – and at one point she’d just open her mouth wide over my nipple and not suck at all, that was weird. But it didn’t matter, she wanted boob<\/i> and nothing else. But it’s okay, as long as she’s latching proper and not yanking on my nipple (NOT fond of that new habit when she’s seriously fussy) then I’m cool with turning on the TV for an hour while she halfheartedly nurses.<\/p>\n
Cloth diapers are going well still, but I’m wishing we had more diapers. We have 3 dozen prefolds, which looks like a lot until you keep some in the basement, some in the diaper bag, and some in an emergency bag in the truck… and then you want to do laundry only every other day… well suddenly you’re looking at the ever-shrinking stack of diapers with trepidation. I think I’ll be ordering more – and more wipes, too. Kate’s also growing into the x-small thirsties better, we’re using them now that her umbilical cord stump has fallen off. People were right, we definitely like them! They’re nice and stretchy to get a good fit, and not bulky like some other covers. I’m going to get more of those, too.<\/p>\n
::<\/p>\n
Letting go of being pregnant has been FAR easier with a newborn napping on my lap. I’m not seeing any of the body image issues I had after Devin, even though this time I got a couple of stretch marks to show for hitting full term. At 1 week post-partum I had lost half of the 30lbs I had gained during pregnancy, which makes me extremely pleased. I’ll probably quickly drop another few pounds leaving me about 10 to work off, like last time. Except this time I plan to actually do something to get rid of it.<\/p>\n
My SIL, who is pregnant with twins and due in August, is very quickly rounding out into a most enviable pregnant belly. But all those fears of how I am going to handle her having baby boys seem a lot less scary now that Kate is here. I was scared, so scared, that I was going to end up empty-handed again and have to suffer through more babies. But Kate is here, she’s healthy, she’s alive. I hold her up and tell her that soon she will have cousins close in age to play with. I think sometimes I’m even a little excited about it, her having someone her own age (though with them being twin boys I do have some silly fears that she’ll be the third wheel).<\/p>\n
A lot of things are easier now. Den and I don’t turn the channel when babies\/birth stories come on TV – even when they irritate the hell out of us, they no longer have us jumping to change the channel. We see babies in stores and smile. I walk straight into the baby section in the store without any hesitation, because now I belong there. Den even mentioned something about a kids play center near the house, then paused and said, “That’s actually reality now, not just possibility.”<\/p>\n
Katherine has brought so much healing into our lives… just by existing. Just by being born.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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