{"id":2953,"date":"2010-05-23T02:06:30","date_gmt":"2010-05-23T06:06:30","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/?p=2953"},"modified":"2010-05-23T02:10:56","modified_gmt":"2010-05-23T06:10:56","slug":"so-much-at-once","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/?p=2953","title":{"rendered":"So much at once"},"content":{"rendered":"

I could write out her birth story, but I’ll save that for later.<\/p>\n

I could write about how amazing and wonderful and perfect life is now that she’s here. But I’m not going to.<\/p>\n

Honestly, I think I’m in shock – like literal, feeling-pretty-numb shock. Everyone else around me is bursting into tears of joy and happiness and I was chit-chatting with the midwife while she stitched me up, as Denis hovered over Kate being weighed and measured. I feel only half-present, like I am walking in a dream world and I’m not sure what is real. It’s a really cool dream, but I’m just visiting and haven’t fully invested myself yet.<\/p>\n

I’m writing instead of sleeping at 1am because when the lights went off suddenly all I could feel was my flabby post-partum belly and all I could think about was the last time I layed in a dark hospital delivery room with a flabby belly, 2 years ago. Even though my daughter is asleep and squeaking next to me, all I can remember is that overwhelming sense of loss and emptiness. I love being pregnant – I embrace it, adore it, become it. To most people, even those as attached to the state of pregnancy as I am, the sense of joy at their newly birthed child counterbalances the sadness of letting go of that state of being. But to me it’s different. Not only haven’t I even fully accepted that this child is real and whole and coming home with us, but the last time I lost the state of pregnancy I lost everything. This transition brings back all of it.<\/p>\n

I have discovered that the best thing for me is skin-to-skin contact with Kate. When she is swaddled up tight she feels like someone else’s baby. I stare at her little face, this little face that is so new to me, and I struggle to make that connection. But unwrap her, lay her on my chest, let me feel her wiggles, let me hear her squeaks under my chin, let me brush my lips against her soft hair… and suddenly I know who she is. The curve of her body is so familiar. I recognize the shape of her feet. Her long toes and fingers are a mark of my genes. I close my eyes – I do not trust my eyes – but it’s the feel of her, the shape of her…. that I know. That I trust.<\/p>\n

I look forward to getting out of the hospital, simply because it is unfamiliar and adds to this feeling of surreality.<\/p>\n

This will pass, I know. Post-partum hormones certainly don’t help, but I know that things will settle, I’ll sort through the memories and the fears so I can be fully present. It just might take a little while.<\/p>\n

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I could write out her birth story, but I’ll save that for later. I could write about how amazing and wonderful and perfect life is now that she’s here. But I’m not going to. Honestly, I think I’m in shock – like literal, feeling-pretty-numb shock. Everyone else around me is bursting into tears of joy […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2953","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2953","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2953"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2953\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2959,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2953\/revisions\/2959"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2953"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2953"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2953"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}