This past week someone at Den’s work lost their wife to cancer. I don’t know the pain of losing a spouse – and hope I never will – but I grieve for him, for his emptiness, for his loss. I wish I could do something to help, somehow, but that’s the shit thing about loss: there’s absolutely nothing that can make it “better.” Words really do feel far too trite and contrived for such a horrible loss.<\/p>\n
::<\/p>\n
We went out for dinner this evening, for a nice hibachi meal. If you didn’t know, hibachi is done with several parties seated at the same table around a large grill that they cook the food on. We go early enough that normally it’s just us at a table by ourselves, but today another couple was seated at our table – and she was obviously, roundly pregnant.<\/p>\n
My first reaction, to be honest, was to look away and think to myself, “Why me, why my table?” Before of course I realized that I am pregnant too. But that flinch is still there.<\/p>\n
When asked if we all want saki the husband leaned over to pat his wife’s belly, “Oh no, not her, she’s pregnant!”<\/p>\n
It occurred to me a few times to say, “Me too!” but I kept it to myself. It just didn’t feel right to share. Or necessary, for that matter.<\/p>\n
“You’re not so obvious,” Den said, referring to my small, just-rounding-out belly. But I thought about it in the greater context of behavior and attitude. No I’m not – and I probably never will be again.<\/p>\n
::<\/p>\n
I find myself in transition.<\/p>\n
Four nights ago, in the middle of the night as I layed in bed with my laptop, I felt gentle, minute little pokes in my lower belly. I held my breath and waited, and it came again. The next night, watching TV, I again felt little pokes. I laughed out loud as I told Den. I felt giddy. I honestly did not expect to feel anything at all for weeks more yet, due to my anterior placenta. I haven’t felt anything since, but I’m guessing that the baby has to be in just the right position for me to feel anything yet.<\/p>\n
I am greedy still. I want to feel more movement, and I eagerly await getting a bigger, rounder, fuller belly. I feel it coming and am now getting little tastes of what it was like. It makes me so excited to be moving in that direction. In a way it feels like I’ve just been ghost-pregnant, still waiting for the reality of it to come.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
This past week someone at Den’s work lost their wife to cancer. I don’t know the pain of losing a spouse – and hope I never will – but I grieve for him, for his emptiness, for his loss. I wish I could do something to help, somehow, but that’s the shit thing about loss: […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[370,103,69,368,310,369],"class_list":["post-2551","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-cancer","tag-friends-family","tag-loss","tag-movement","tag-pregnancy-2","tag-strangers"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2551","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2551"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2551\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2552,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2551\/revisions\/2552"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2551"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2551"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2551"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}