Never have I wanted so badly to live in a land of rainbows and roses. Where babies don’t die… and miscarriages happen to other people. Where you feel safe.<\/p>\n
I find myself really pulling back from a lot of things, and intentionally surrounding myself with “normal” pregnant women. The due date groups with the chit-chatter about nurseries and names. I need that normal. I need that reassurance and calm.<\/p>\n
But losses happen. Maybe not to people I know – though it is certainly more devastating when it is – but they happen. Being a stillbirth mama you hear about it, we all talk about it, try to reach out, try to help the newly bereaved. After I lost Devin I felt so very close to those newly bereaved, so emotionally invested, even when I knew nothing else about them. I wanted to help.<\/p>\n
And now… I can’t. Emotionally, I can’t let myself go to that place, because if I do, I might just lose my calm about this current pregnancy. I feel bad about it, but I also take refuge in the knowledge that the others are there to step in, that someone will be there for that person to lean on. It just won’t be me this time.<\/p>\n
I think at some point you know know too much. By banding together with other broken hearted families to heal, you also compile a kind of list in your head, of all the different ways a baby can die. Every new story I hear, I start worrying about that, too.<\/p>\n
At one time I was very angry at those people who went through life believing that nothing bad could or would ever happen to them, completely unaware – or unwilling to accept – all those bad things lurking in the shadows. And now, now I’m just envious. I wish I could be them, if only for a little while.<\/p>\n
But I can’t turn back time. All I can do is compartmentalize, surround myself with the happy stories, and really try to believe that most<\/i> of the time everything is just fine.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Never have I wanted so badly to live in a land of rainbows and roses. Where babies don’t die… and miscarriages happen to other people. Where you feel safe. I find myself really pulling back from a lot of things, and intentionally surrounding myself with “normal” pregnant women. The due date groups with the chit-chatter […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[329,310],"class_list":["post-2519","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-paranoia","tag-pregnancy-2"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2519","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2519"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2519\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2520,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2519\/revisions\/2520"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2519"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2519"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2519"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}