Tomorrow morning is my ultrasound, and as usual I’m feeling very anxious about it. Even though I feel fine, I feel pregnant, I have nothing of concern.<\/p>\n
I was thinking last night about how the worst moments of your life are preserved in memory with such perfect accuracy. The moments I would give anything to forget. But that ultrasound is so clear in my memory, and when I least want it to it plays in my head over and over. Not just from an outside view, either, but as if I’m sitting there again. As if I’ve lost the ability to breathe again.<\/p>\n
That’s what is so terrifying about ultrasounds. The future anticipation and past memories overlap, blurring, becoming entangled in each other. It’s so hard to see this as its own thing, separate.<\/p>\n
It wouldn’t be so bad if it was elsewhere, but tomorrow’s ultrasound, the first trimister screening, is at the ultrasound center in the hospital – the place all my later ultrasounds were with Devin. The place where I found out he was gone. I haven’t been in or near that place since then, and though it’s been 20 months it feels like yesterday. I knew that the first tri screening would be there, and I’ve mentioned it when people asked, but it wasn’t until this afternoon that it really hit me – when the anxiety started knocking.<\/p>\n
I hope I can sleep well tonight. I really just don’t even want to think about it. Unlike when I was pregnant with Devin, I don’t go around happily telling people about my next appointment, next ultrasound. I just try to block it out of my mind until I’m there.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Tomorrow morning is my ultrasound, and as usual I’m feeling very anxious about it. Even though I feel fine, I feel pregnant, I have nothing of concern. I was thinking last night about how the worst moments of your life are preserved in memory with such perfect accuracy. The moments I would give anything to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[178,102,310],"class_list":["post-2491","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-anxiety","tag-memories","tag-pregnancy-2"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2491","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2491"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2491\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2492,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2491\/revisions\/2492"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2491"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2491"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2491"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}