I was going to write a big long email to my friend, but then realized, what are blogs for?<\/p>\n
::<\/p>\n
We’re having problems nick-naming this little baby. I’ve gone through huge lists in my head, Den and I have debated back and forth, tossing out names, but nothing has felt right to me. I’ve realized that this is for two reasons.<\/p>\n
One, because it honestly seems a little scary to name it. Even though we’ve heard the heartbeat now, we know it’s in there. I guess there’s just a part of me that is fighting the urge to take it to that level. I’m still waiting to see if it will stick around. I’m waiting to see if I’ll accept that.<\/p>\n
The other reason is a lot larger and I think a lot more integral. The thing is – and I realize that I’m doing it, but it happens anyways – is that every name I judge by, “If we lost this baby like Devin, would the name still work for me?” Sheepie for Devin was just so… perfect. We got so many sheep-related things, memorial items with which to keep him close to us. It was an easily accessible theme that would have worked just as perfectly for a live baby as a stillborn one. So I find myself worrying about names that they’re not accessible in the same way, that we won’t be able to find memorial items with the theme on them, that it just won’t have the right symbolism. And I know it’s kind of ridiculous, because we’re hoping to have a live baby. I’m willing to bet that once we bring home a live baby the whole pregnancy-nickname thing just won’t have so much importance. It’ll be a cute memory, but it just won’t be of utmost importance like Sheepie is.<\/p>\n
So I’m obsessing over this. Has to be gender-neutral, cute without being obnoxious, have appropriate symbolism, be something common and yet not too<\/i> common, and feel “right” to me to use while I’m pregnant. As you can see, I’m having problems. And I don’t really need suggestions… I’ve been through lists upon lists. I’m just waiting for something to “speak” to me.<\/p>\n
::<\/p>\n
Tea is the most fantastic drink on the planet right now. (And, yes, it’s decaf.) Some sugar and cream…. oohhhh heaven. Red Rose is my absolute favorite.<\/p>\n
Hot chocolate, my normal favorite? Tastes good. Does not sit well. (Confirmed this morning.)<\/p>\n
::<\/p>\n
I’m so touchy about this pregnancy and it feels sometimes like it’s random. Half the time I want to be all, “I’m pregnant, look at my belly!” The other half I’m wearing baggy shirts and wincing when someone mentions to someone else that “Natalie’s pregnant!” I waffle. A lot. Some days I just feel so… vulnerable. Like others’ joy could just puncture me. Like it shows me what I should be feeling.<\/p>\n
Even stupid, small, fun things like, “I think it’s a girl\/boy!” or “I think you’ll go late! __ is a good day for a baby!” Some days I just want to snap, “You don’t know that. You don’t know anything, no one does. It is what it is, and there’s no sense looking too far ahead.” And then I feel completely mortified for the thought, because hell, they were just being happy and conversing and joining in on the pregnancy babble. I absolutely positively cannot fault anyone for that. The reaction is all mine, all based directly out of this gutwrenching fear.<\/p>\n
It’s not that I’m not happy or joyful. I am. And some days I have the most beautiful moments. But mostly? It’s fear. Fear and anxiety. I’m scared to buy in to this, because I’m scared it will get taken away. And it’s not like I think I can somehow protect myself from more pain – I know that’s not possible – but it just makes it impossible to feel unfettered with those fears lurking around. That joy is there, but cautious… qualified. If there’s a baby… if there’s a heartbeat… if I make it to 13 weeks. There’s always an if.<\/p>\n
I want to love being pregnant, like I did with Devin. I want to be all happy-happy-joy-joy. But I’m not, and I’m still not okay with that.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I was going to write a big long email to my friend, but then realized, what are blogs for? :: We’re having problems nick-naming this little baby. I’ve gone through huge lists in my head, Den and I have debated back and forth, tossing out names, but nothing has felt right to me. I’ve realized […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[328,343,344,310],"class_list":["post-2416","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-fears","tag-frustrations","tag-nicknames","tag-pregnancy-2"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2416","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2416"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2416\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2418,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2416\/revisions\/2418"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2416"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2416"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2416"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}