Today I crawled into bed for a mid-day nap, rolled over to face Den (who was also having a nap), and pouted. “I threw up today.”<\/p>\n
Denis gave a huge grin and replied, “YAY!!!”<\/p>\n
::<\/p>\n
I wore my new underbelly maternity pants to work today, and boy was I thankful I bought them. They fit quite well right now, and can be loosened to continue fitting as I grow – I expect they’ll stop being comfortable at some point, but by then they’ll have earned their keep.<\/p>\n
I also learned that pretty much all of the shirts I own are form-fitting in one way or another. This is not good right now. I lowered my chair a little bit and tried to stay close to the counter so that customers couldn’t see. Not that they’re really looking, but I’m a pretty slight person, especially now that I’ve lost weight, and my bloated belly looks definitively pregnant. I don’t expect any customers will be brave enough to ask about it for a little while, but I highly doubt I’m going to be able to hide it for long. I may have to buy new, bulky sweaters.<\/p>\n
Trying to hide this is a large change from last time I was pregnant, with Devin – I wore fitted pregancy clothes very happily, proudly parading my belly everywhere. Which was in part because I had little fear of anything going wrong, but also in part because I wasn’t working with the public, I either saw the same people very day or strangers who would never see me again. I really hate this in-between, hate feeling nervous about people recognizing that I’m pregnant and possibly asking me about it in a month or two. I don’t know when I’m going to feel okay with that.<\/p>\n
::<\/p>\n
I’m feeling kind of angry. I really dislike this anxious, paranoid mess I’ve turned into.<\/p>\n
After Devin I knew I was going to be very anxious in the third trimester… but I thought the rest of it would be easier, because it all went so well. And then the ectopic happened. And now I’m a complete and utter mess in the first trimester too. I seriously am doing bathroom checks every hour, and only about 1\/3 of those do I actually have to pee. I’m checking, checking, constantly checking for blood. Which I realize is kind of futile and maybe a little bit idiotic – I mean, it’s not like I could do anything about it, it’s not like by being vigilant I can prevent something from happening. Whatever this is, whatever is going on in there, it’s out of my control. But I can’t stop doing it. It reassures me for the next hour that, at least right at this moment, there is nothing wrong.<\/p>\n
I didn’t spend a lot of time grieving the ectopic. I was angry, oh yes I was angry – and I was feeling hopeless about getting pregnant. But I was happy to leave those two weeks of spotting hell behind me and move on. But now it appears I am flashing back frequently. Being 5 weeks pregnant, with my first ultrasound right around the corner, I keep thinking about it…. about that ultrasound, about the bad news. Which then of course triggers remembering the other, far more horrifying ultrasound, the last one with Devin. Ultrasounds and me are not friends right now. I’d like to change that, but right now they just honestly scare the crap out of me. On one hand I really want this ultrasound to come sooner so I can see the heartbeat and we can be relieved and reassured and look forward from here… but on the other hand I kind of want to avoid it as long as possible. I have fears in my head of going in and finding an empty sac… that, like the ectopic, we’re going to go in and find out that there’s no baby. It’s really hard for me to feel happy and truly pregnant until we know<\/i> that something is in there.<\/p>\n
The ectopic fucked me up even more than I already was… which, after a stillbirth, is pretty damn bad.<\/p>\n
::<\/p>\n
I talked to the nurse today. This week has been so much harder than I expected, so I called and said I’d take them up on their offer of another blood test for reassurance, and asked if they could move up my ultrasound even just to next friday. She said they’re going to see what my numbers are on friday and go from there… if they’re nice and high and they are pretty certain they’ll see something they might have me come in earlier, but she’s going to talk to the U\/S tech about it.<\/p>\n
I felt very relieved after that phone call. I think the stress of waiting 2 weeks was getting to me… it just feels like an impossibly long time to be in this state. Even the thought that it could be next week is really helping take me down a few notches.<\/p>\n
I really need to chill out, I know – but I have no idea how to do that. I think I’m going to schedule a massage, not just to help me relax, but because my shoulders are a mess of knots (again) and my legs are still aching… it would do my body good. I really need to find other ways to re-center myself, I’ve felt the last few days like I’m spiraling out of control and it’s not a fun feeling. But how I can feel okay until I know that there’s a baby in there and that everything is okay?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Today I crawled into bed for a mid-day nap, rolled over to face Den (who was also having a nap), and pouted. “I threw up today.” Denis gave a huge grin and replied, “YAY!!!” :: I wore my new underbelly maternity pants to work today, and boy was I thankful I bought them. They fit […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[328,331,330,329,332,310],"class_list":["post-2351","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-fears","tag-morning-sickness","tag-nurses","tag-paranoia","tag-preggo-belly","tag-pregnancy-2"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2351","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2351"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2351\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2356,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2351\/revisions\/2356"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2351"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2351"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2351"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}