The warm glow of betas has worn off and I found myself staring at my ceiling at 4am, worrying. Worrying that things aren’t growing right in there, and there’s no way to know about it. Not for two weeks. How the fuck do I get through another two weeks? I am terrified that this isn’t going to end up being real… that something is going to go wrong.<\/p>\n
Of course with the worries comes another thought, one that I set myself up for: that because I am scared it means something is wrong. Which is foolish, because anyone who has gone through a loss – and many who haven’t – are scared, doing bathroom checks and fretting over symptoms. It’s so hard, especially this early, to really believe it. But what I’m feeling is pure, abject fear, not the feeling that something feels wrong. It is the fear that these symptoms will go away, fear that the ultrasound will bring bad news.<\/p>\n
I have no cramps, no pains (other than the gas that comes and goes!). I had the tiniest tinge of pink in my prometrium, which is probably from jabbing my cervix putting the prometrium in. (I mean, so light pink that I had to squint, it was like off-yellow instead of yellow.) And I’m willing to bet that’s what triggered me. Of course that was hours ago and there’s been nothing since, and it’s a far cry from bright red bleeding like I had during my ectopic. But the memories are sitting there, right below the surface. I’m flashing back to those two weeks, the bleeding, the sinking heart, the bad result. I’m fairly certain this is not ectopic, but still there’s the worry of miscarriage. Always the worry.<\/p>\n
I am never going to have another pregnancy like Devin’s, when I didn’t spare a thought for what could go wrong. Not after what I’ve been through. I’m sad for that, too. I have a glimpse into the fear I will feel later, closer to the end. This is going to be hell. Well worth it, and there will be many good, wonderful moments – but there is going to be a lot of fear. No… terror. I am so angry that not only was Devin’s pregnancy taken from me too soon, but so did the chance of ever having another one that carefree.<\/p>\n
I try to tell myself that there’s nothing that I can do. This worry is real, and I accept the fear for what it is, but it cannot change nor predict the outcome. I remind myself of all the people out there who get pregnant and have babies. I remind myself that I myself once before got pregnant and had a baby. I know damn well that this stage is pretty much symptom-free – I never did feel much anyways.<\/p>\n
Except for the puking. I always felt that pretty damn well. And apparently it has started today – or at least taken a good step forward. Dry heaving twice today (once in Walmart, once just now at home). And, really, that’s a pretty damn good sign that everything is okay so far.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The warm glow of betas has worn off and I found myself staring at my ceiling at 4am, worrying. Worrying that things aren’t growing right in there, and there’s no way to know about it. Not for two weeks. How the fuck do I get through another two weeks? I am terrified that this isn’t […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[109,310],"class_list":["post-2339","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-fear","tag-pregnancy-2"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2339","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2339"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2339\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2340,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2339\/revisions\/2340"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2339"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2339"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2339"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}