Here’s the thing: I am terrified. I am terrified that we are going to walk away from this cycle with nothing and be staring directly at the end of the road. Unlike all my other cycles where we were determined to make it work no matter what, this time we know we will walk away if this goes downhill. If I overstim, we’re canceling and not going to ER. Waiting months would totally suck, but not nearly as bad as wasting an entire cycle on bad quality eggs. This has to work out right.<\/p>\n
But even if it does there’s no guarantee. I talk about a 5-day retrieval in the hopes that this protocol will follow through again… but there’s no guarantee. I talk about statistics supporting the idea of getting pregnant this cycle when you take into account a FET or two… but there’s no guarantee. Those two situations are assuming a lot… assuming I get more than 4 embryos is a LOT for me. Last cycle was so amazing, so uplifting… now I’m afraid I expect too much from this one. What if I get pregnant and lose that one, too? What if I don’t get pregnant at all?<\/p>\n
And then I start thinking, when\/if I do get pregnant… how the hell am I going to survive it? I realize that by surrounding myself with loss it has both made things easier with grieving and harder with moving forward. Every news of loss is like a gut punch to me, because it is a reminder: no one is safe. How the fuck am I going to make it through 36 weeks without being a complete basketcase? Not that this is what I am most worried about right now, but in a way it works to take the edge off of the pregnancy desperation.<\/p>\n
I just have no idea how I’m going to get from here to the other side of this… if I ever get to the other side. I just want to close my eyes and wake up when this is over.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Here’s the thing: I am terrified. I am terrified that we are going to walk away from this cycle with nothing and be staring directly at the end of the road. Unlike all my other cycles where we were determined to make it work no matter what, this time we know we will walk away […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[109,208],"class_list":["post-2191","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-fear","tag-ivf-5"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2191","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2191"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2191\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2195,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2191\/revisions\/2195"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2191"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2191"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2191"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}