I struggle to find words…. no. I struggle to find communicable thoughts. So much of my life right now is mundane, every day just worried about getting through, getting through, getting through. Just the same thing, the same thoughts, the same frustrations, over and over, day after day. And every day I breathe a sigh of relief that I’ve lived through another one and somehow found something worthwhile in it. It is not splendid, it is not amazing, it is not wonderful – but every day I find something small to be proud of, or happy for, and I cling to those little things, swinging from day to day like I used to do on the bars, long ago. My palms always burned back then. I had calluses back then, very hard and thick for how small and dainty I was. I didn’t mind them so much. It meant I could swing better, with less pain – they were my cushion. It’s not so different now.<\/p>\n
All this to say, I have nothing new to say. Nothing of note, nothing of interest. I went swimming. I made it through a work day without a major mistake. I talked and laughed with coworkers. I gave myself another lupron injection. It all sounds so simple, and I’ve done them each many times before. Does it really need discussing? I’d rather write about fabulous vacations and amazing epiphanies, but that’s not my life right now. It’s just day to day. Just getting through. Even starting another IVF starts to sound mundane on the fifth attempt.<\/p>\n
Just like people don’t say that they are brushing their teeth, or eating breakfast, or putting on their shoes, neither do I say that I am grieving. Of course I am grieving. I do it every day. My heart beats faster when someone reads a book to their child and says, “Look, a sheepie!” I see children at my job every day. Sometimes I smile and chat, sometimes I pretend I don’t see them. Either way I’m functional. People probably just write me off as one of those women who doesn’t have kids, who isn’t interested. I don’t correct them.<\/p>\n
I’m not quite sure how building my own life – separate from and not dependent on a child – is so damn difficult, and yet so lacking in words.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I struggle to find words…. no. I struggle to find communicable thoughts. So much of my life right now is mundane, every day just worried about getting through, getting through, getting through. Just the same thing, the same thoughts, the same frustrations, over and over, day after day. And every day I breathe a sigh […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[208,272,271],"class_list":["post-2159","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-ivf-5","tag-routine","tag-words"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2159","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2159"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2159\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2160,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2159\/revisions\/2160"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2159"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2159"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2159"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}