It comes in waves, sneaking up on me, crushing me when I least expect it. Panic. Fear. There are days when I feel like I’m sitting underwater, the pressure sitting on my chest, like a physical manifestation of the huge obstacles in my way. It sits there, unmoving, and I slowly suffocate.<\/p>\n
I had the appointment with my RE today, the consult to talk protocol and plans for this next cycle. I went in with a little bit of hope that he’d have some new idea, some new research paper, that could point us in the right direction. He didn’t have any. I wasn’t shocked by that, but I was a little disappointed. We’re going to do the same protocol as last time, he might change dosage very slightly as we go. Last cycle went very well for me, so it’s truly not a terrible thing. At least we’re in a better spot than we were before the last stims cycle. At least this one has a much better chance of giving good eggs.<\/p>\n
But it’s the eggs, it all comes down to the eggs. After talking for a bit I said to him, “I’m guessing you’d recommend putting in more than one this time.” He certainly does. For me his recommendation is transferring 2 or 3 embryos at day 3, or 2 blastocysts on day 5. At this point it’s pretty clear I am not a “normal” IVF patient, and just don’t fall into the normal recommendations. I observed that my implantation rate has not been good. He told me that the research is showing that women with low oocyte maturity – people like me – seem to have a much lower pregnancy rate than normal patients…. our eggs just don’t stick very well. Even though they look like perfect embryos, dividing and growing and getting a really good rating. There’s still something just not right about them.<\/p>\n
He made a mistake, though. We were looking at my full IVF history, with my losses and everything, and he said how just unfortunately I’ve been. I was quick to point out that I did get a viable pregnancy with my own egg, a healthy baby… that my stillbirth was a freak accident, and not connected to this egg immaturity problem. He said, “We don’t know that for sure.” My thoughts froze. I acquiesced and conversation moved on, but inside my head I was saying, No, no, no. Don’t say that, it’s not true. It’s not true. Don’t put those thoughts in my head!<\/i> I’ve spent the rest of the day with a little voice in the back of my head wondering if it was possible. What if something is truly that fucked up about my eggs? Devin’s placenta was small, he was small. Maybe what killed him was a freak accident, but was there something else wrong? Was it really truly a complete fluke that I have these two really rare things happen to me… or are they connected? After returning to work I wanted to huddle in the corner with my hands pressed to my ears, as if that could keep my fears – my paranoia – at bay.<\/p>\n
I left my appointment with my light jacket pulled haphazardly over my head in an attempt to protect myself from the downpour, but I couldn’t throw a cover over my heart. I am so broken. I sat in the car for a while, called Den, replayed thoughts and numbers and realizations. When he was talking about my eggs and pregnancy rate I knew he was right. I’ve known the truth for a while, but today it hit me full-on. Hearing the doctor say what I already knew made it real. There is something very wrong with my eggs. All of IVF is a gamble, but for me they truly are shooting in the dark. All the normal statistics just don’t apply.<\/p>\n
I will be transferring two embryos next time, because I have finally accepted that the chance of me getting twins is pretty much nil. As much as I want to believe it has something to do with the cycle, the quality of the egg…. the last cycle really blew it out for me, I think. A perfect blastocyst, from a stims cycle that produced a embryo that led to a pregnancy, a FET without the demands of stims… it was the ideal cycle. If any of them were going to work, it was. And it didn’t. It simply didn’t. Once the possibility of twins – and the higher risk that entails – is removed, then transferring more makes sense. I need to be pregnant. Maybe this will help it happen sooner.<\/p>\n
But the thought also panics me. I have only two stims cycles left under my insurance coverage, and whatever frozen transfers may result from those stims. That’s it. Total, lifetime. I know it seems foolish, but I start thinking about how it is looking more and more that we will never get the two living children we’ve always wanted, to raise together. And sometimes, when I am feeling really low, I wonder if we will have enough to bring home even one. It does seem like 2 stims cycles and FETs is enough to get me pregnant at least once…. but what if I lose that one, too? It just doesn’t seem to be enough of a buffer. I’m suddenly staring at the end of the road drawing nearer and it’s freaking me out.<\/p>\n
Back when we started this journey into IVF we had only 2 stims cycles covered, but that seemed like plenty enough. That was back when the chance of pregnancy was over 50%, when stims cycles would result in a basketful of eggs, where babies didn’t die and miscarriages happened to other people. Now I’m adding it all up and it scares the shit out of me.<\/p>\n
My doctor told me I’m handling all these disappointments and losses with a lot of grace. And I am, in some ways. But he doesn’t see how my grace is based entirely on the faith that this will work out in the end – that all of this pain and suffering will be worth it when I bring home my child. And he doesn’t see how very dark it gets when I allow the possibility that this won’t end well at all.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
It comes in waves, sneaking up on me, crushing me when I least expect it. Panic. Fear. There are days when I feel like I’m sitting underwater, the pressure sitting on my chest, like a physical manifestation of the huge obstacles in my way. It sits there, unmoving, and I slowly suffocate. I had the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[251,208],"class_list":["post-2087","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-appointment","tag-ivf-5"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2087","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2087"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2087\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2088,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2087\/revisions\/2088"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2087"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2087"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2087"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}