I don’t understand why I am feeling so overwhelmed with negativity and gloom.<\/p>\n
This weekend I knew why – I intentionally didn’t take my antidepressants. I realize I do that when I am having a really hard day… somehow like my way of flipping the bird to life. I’m depressed now? Oh really?<\/i> But also I think it is my release into darkness. It’s like every few months I need to descend into the darkness, to touch my toes to the water and remember how heavy and oppressive it all is. Then I start feeling light-headed, extremely sensitive and paranoid, realize I’ve let myself go too long, and start taking my pills again. I wait for the normalcy to creep back into my head, and step away from the ledge for another two months.<\/p>\n
But it’s been two days now, two days of pills. I am no longer feeling light-headed and the sensitivity is fading… but the darkness is not. I still feel like crying. So now I have to start working to pick it apart and figure out why… and what I can do about it.<\/p>\n
I am searching for answers. Not from the universe, since those simply cannot be answered, but from myself. I’m not even sure what I am searching for, really. A direction, perhaps. I sit down with my Self and ask, What do you want?<\/i> I know what it wants – and I know that right now I cannot have it. So what do I want in the meantime? What else<\/i> will fulfill me, strengthen me, encourage me? What else will put the fire inside me? I am searching for answers, but they are muddied. I do not know.<\/p>\n
I am reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I decided finally to try it, since everyone was talking about it… and I love it. She writes about her own search for meaning and purpose, her conversations with her Self, her healing of the heart. That is what I want. Not the same – I could not survive an Ashram in India – but I need some soul healing, I need to find out what it is that defines me, fulfils me… without children. <\/p>\n
I feel like I’ve been knocked back to the year after graduation, when suddenly you are aimless, searching not just to fill your time but your life purpose, afraid to commit for fear it is the wrong path. I was there once. I decided, I chose. Only now I am denied. Not right now,<\/i> life says to me. Choose again.<\/i> But I don’t want to. I carefully weighed all options and chose this<\/i> life, this<\/i> path, because it was what I wanted most of all. How can you backtrack on that? How can you fully commit to a secondary purpose? Even worse, a temporary secondary purpose as I sit and wait.<\/p>\n
This has been a very large, very hard<\/i> lesson in patience, in living in the present. In some ways I am grateful for the wisdom. But there is a fear that floats in my head that my life will not move forward until I learn this lesson… that somehow my inability to let go is what is holding me back.<\/p>\n
“Yoga is about self-mastery and the dedicated effort to haul your attention away from your endless brooding over the past and your nonstop worrying about the future,” Elizabeth writes in her book.<\/p>\n
I think maybe I need some yoga.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I don’t understand why I am feeling so overwhelmed with negativity and gloom. This weekend I knew why – I intentionally didn’t take my antidepressants. I realize I do that when I am having a really hard day… somehow like my way of flipping the bird to life. I’m depressed now? Oh really? But also […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[220,13,218,208,221,138,128,219],"class_list":["post-2028","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-book","tag-depression","tag-eat-pray-love","tag-ivf-5","tag-life-lessons","tag-meds","tag-post-miscarriage","tag-soul-searching"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2028","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2028"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2028\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2030,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2028\/revisions\/2030"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2028"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2028"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2028"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}