I feel sick to my stomach.<\/p>\n
I’ve been feeling anxious ever since Thursday, when I learned that something might be wrong with my coworker’s baby. Which, now that I think about it, may have contributed to my mass meltdown this weekend. I just felt such dread in the pit of my stomach. Everyone else could say, “Oh it will probably be fine!” but I know too much. I really, really hoped I was wrong.<\/p>\n
I desperately want to do something, but I don’t know her very well. People deal with grief differently, maybe she just wants to be left alone with her husband to deal. I gave her my number and told her to call me, but I know from experience that sometimes making a call is just too much to handle. I don’t want to intrude, but I want to make sure they know they are supported. I want them to know that even if the rest of the world doesn’t understand, I do. I have some baby loss books and other resources, and I think I’m going to deliver them to her… I’m just not sure when.<\/p>\n
Being on the other side of grief is hard… harder than I thought. In some ways it would be easier if it was a close friend or family member.. then I’d have a better idea of how the person dealt with things, and what they would appreciate. Right now I feel like I’m just staggering in the dark and hoping I do something helpful along the way.<\/p>\n
::<\/p>\n
My plan was always to test on Tuesday morning. I’ve spent the evening wondering if I even should. It’s so strange to be the one whose life is moving forward when someone else’s stands still. What if it is positive? It feels so wrong to walk into work on Wednesday and announce happy news in the midst of this horror. Maybe to everyone else it wouldn’t seem weird. But it feels like a time of mourning, not joy.<\/p>\n
And of course it could just as easily be negative. More bad news. I feel too drained right now to get too upset… remembering that there are worse things than not getting pregnant in the first place. I am in a different place tonight. I am scared – not of not getting pregnant, but of reliving loss. Of reliving the fear<\/i>. In some ways the fear scares me more than the grief.<\/p>\n
And then I think about taking a test and staring at it as my hand shakes, watching as no line shows up after 1 minute, 2 minutes, 4… and I feel sick to my stomach all over again.<\/p>\n
I do not know what the morning will bring. I’m not even sure I’m ready to face it yet.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I feel sick to my stomach. I’ve been feeling anxious ever since Thursday, when I learned that something might be wrong with my coworker’s baby. Which, now that I think about it, may have contributed to my mass meltdown this weekend. I just felt such dread in the pit of my stomach. Everyone else could […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[109,123,103,69,205,204],"class_list":["post-1998","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-fear","tag-fet2","tag-friends-family","tag-loss","tag-support","tag-testing"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1998","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1998"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1998\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2097,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1998\/revisions\/2097"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1998"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1998"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1998"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}