Yesterday at the support group we talked about things we put aside and put off. For me it was the gravestone. For all the grieving I did, for all the ways I actively jumped in and tackled things, we still have not gotten a gravestone. Once we had driven to a place, but it was a weekend and they were closed. We drove away and never went back. Too busy, we said, can’t find the time. Which, when I look at it, is more or less bullshit. We just felt more comfortable putting it off.<\/p>\n
Today I had time before work and among my errands I drove myself to the monument place. It was quiet. I let myself in and no one was there. I almost turned and left, but I heard a noise… the owner was there, in the back. I hadn’t thought to bring the paperwork from the cemetary that gave instructions for headstones… thankfully he was able to look it up in his book. 14″ by 8″ – that is all we are allowed. That means no design on the corner, and very limited space for wording. I got a price and left.<\/p>\n
And now I’m at home, looking up epitaphs for babies and realizing why I’ve been putting this off for so long. It is gutwrenching, heartstopping. I am tearing up at these verses – and not much makes me tear up anymore. Many are lovely. But how in the hell are we supposed to choose?<\/p>\n
I was never a fan of graveyards before. I didn’t understand it at all. Why would you want to be buried in the dirt? And all those headstones, it was just creepy. And then Devin died and as I sat in the hospital bed, still pregnant but making arrangements, I suddenly understood. It is a form of permanence. It is a way of inscribing his name on a great wall that hundreds, thousands of people will see… that, many many years after I have gone, people will look at his grave and know that he existed, that he was loved, that he is missed.<\/p>\n
It is that thought that holds me motionless now, frozen in indecision. What do I want to tell the world about my son, about his life and death and the hole that exists in our family, that can be said in just three or four words? Is that even possible?<\/p>\n
Etched into stone for the world to read. I search for the words I want to make so permanent… but I fear I may not ever find them. Maybe we just have to choose something that seems close enough.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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