Today I am going to take the time to respond a little bit to a question I was asked: have we considered adoption? It’s not a bad<\/i> question, especially since I really haven’t talked about our options or how or why we arrived at our decision. The short answer is that yes, we have discussed many times our different family-building options. My best friend was adopted at birth and she has brought the topic up with me several times – she has a special knack for asking questions without ever sounding judgemental, a trait I greatly appreciate. ;) Here in my blog I may have touched on it a few times in the past, but I don’t mention it very often because we are very sure we are doing what’s right for us so it’s not something I needed to work through – which is typically what my writing is used for.<\/p>\n
First of all I want to say that I absolutely recognize adoption, surrogacy, donor eggs\/sperm\/gametes, to be completely valid, wonderful options. I know people who know without a doubt that IVF or other fertility treatments is not for them and that they will be pursuing adoption. I know people who are in the process of adopting, who have completed an adoption. I am completely supportive of them and I just really wish for the best for them – that they will be able to bring home a child. So please know that it is simply what Den and I feel about our own situation, preferences and desires. It is such a personal struggle, and what is right for one person is certainly not right for everyone.<\/p>\n
This post is not an opening for debate – I am not looking for explanations or arguments or help in deciding anything. I am simply explaining how we got to where we are.<\/p>\n
First of all, adoption is expensive. I have heard from those going through it that it can add up to $50,000 by the time they are through with all the fees. International adoption can be cheaper in one way, but then you have to add in all the travel expenses. We are extremely<\/i> lucky to be living in Massachusetts, where IVF and other fertility treatments is covered by many insurance companies, including my current one. We are paying very, very little for my medications and procedures, something I am extremely grateful for.<\/p>\n
Adoption is also a very long process. You have to find an agency, get a homestudy, create a profile and portfolio type album, and then the very long wait to be matched. For domestic adoptions there appears to be a lot more couples wanting to adopt than there are babies up for adoption. It’s heartbreaking to see my friends submit their info and not be selected yet again.<\/p>\n
The screening would also concern me. I know we will be fantastic parents, but I really worry about being judged. Obviously I know why they do it. But it’s hard to see someone viewing your life through a bunch of forms and questionaires and home visits and trying to decide if you are good enough or not. And, umm, we have a big German Shepherd who has issues<\/i>. I really honestly believe that no agency would approve us without us getting rid of the dog. And, well, he’s family too.<\/p>\n
And then you have the human factor. The chance that a placement will fall through, that the biological parents will change their mind last minute, or even after the initial agreement, before it is finalized. There is foster-adopt programs, but the goal of those programs is to reunite a child with their bilogical parent(s) and is even less of a sure thing. Beyond that, there is the issue of how to handle the topic of the adoption and biological parents. Will you keep in contact? Will your child have contact? At what age? No matter how it is handled – and I have seen many different approaches – there will always be someone else out there that your child is connected to.<\/p>\n
Now would all of that stop me if I really wanted to? Absolutely not. I know it sounds like a litany of all things evil about adoption, and I certainly don’t think it is all bad! They are just some of the factors that played into our decision. But for us it goes beyond logical pros and cons. There is something within us that says this<\/i> is what is right for us.<\/p>\n
For my husband the biological connection is paramount. To him that is the most important thing, and he said if it did come down to a choice of not getting a child or giving up that link, he’d probably resign himself to live child-free… it would be the end of his journey. That’s not necessarily what I would choose, but I respect his needs.<\/p>\n
For me I think it is more the pregnancy. I love<\/i> being pregnant. There is something so special about that bonding period. When I was pregnant with Devin I dreamed that I woke up with a several month old Devin and I was absolutely panicked, because I missed something beyond important to me… I missed out on months, on milestones. For me I would be more willing to use donor eggs, to give up that biological connection, in order to carry the pregnancy myself.<\/p>\n
And the thing is, we know I can<\/i> get pregnant. We know I can<\/i> carry a pregnancy. After Devin I think I have become even more absolute and determined…. because we had it right there<\/i>. We were so close. And there is absolutely no good reason for us to have lost him. And now we’ve even figure out how to get better eggs out of me, giving us an even better chance at success. There is no reason we couldn’t have it again, and have it work out with a live baby… no risk factors, no medical concerns. So for us I think it just reinforced our belief that we are on the right path, we just have to be a little more patient, work a little harder.<\/p>\n
For me IVF doesn’t really seem so difficult. Oh I bitch here and there about the inconveniences, because they are inconvenient, but in the grand scheme of things it’s just not such a big deal to me. I see a lot of women having a rough adjustment when they get diagnosed with infertility, or when they reach the point of moving to IVF. I never really struggled with that. I was just like, “Okay, great. Let’s get this started.” People ask if the retrieval is painful, I shrug and say, “Not really. They put me out for it, then I wake up.” I guess the whole process just hasn’t seemed like that big of a deal to me. I throw myself into it, because it’s a Big Deal and a Project, but I just don’t mind it. This is what I do to get babies.<\/p>\n
Now if there were risk factors, if there was something recurring that made my doctors recommend we re-think our path, we probably would. Would I personally be against adoption if that became a better option for us, if carrying a baby became too risky? Absolutely not. I have no idea how I would feel if it came to that. I know that I would have to grieve first, though. I know it would not be an easy decision to come to.<\/p>\n
So have we talked about adoption? Using a surrogate (because of the stillbirth)? Using donor eggs (because of the egg maturity issue)? Absolutely. We are just completely certain that, for the time being, we are on the right path for us.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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