Today I sneezed. A full sneeze, ahhh-choo! This is noteworthy because for the past week and a half I’ve been holding back my sneezes, little atch..oo… because it hurt my poor belly every time.<\/p>\n
I am really feeling better every day this week. Just Wednesday to Friday my recovery has bounded. Today I didn’t have to hold my belly much while walking, it didn’t bother me to crouch down. There are still times when it reminds me it is there – I will not be dancing on a stage anytime soon – but it’s nice to walk and sit normally.<\/p>\n
While my body is getting better, my emotional state is getting worse. Remember I had mentioned that a coworker is pregnant? She’s starting to show already. And I want to make clear here that I do not begrudge her what she has – she’s a lovely person, and is very sensitive and aware of what I’m going through. It is just very very hard to be reminded of what I don’t have. I know that it would be hard regardless of the fact that I was pregnant, too… but that does make it worse. It’s a reminder every week of where I should be, too. I know it will be a couple of months before I might<\/i> be pregnant – no guarantees there, of course – months that will be difficult. We haven’t hit the hardest part yet: when customers start noticing. That, above all else, just hits me hard… listening to them chat happily, ask question, and constantly comment on how wonderful it is. I’m hoping it will be another couple of months before we hit that point. Hoping… but doubtful.<\/p>\n
I find myself being a lot quieter when around people. I have been in some kind of… well, not state of disbelief, because I didn’t really believe in the first place. But it was a pleasant numbness. I felt fine. I was focussed on my physical state and healing, and just pushing the emotional aside. Not willingly, not conciously… but I knew that’s what was going on. And now it’s creeping in again. Not sadness at the events of the last week, specifically… but the overall depression and frustration at this whole fucking situation.<\/p>\n
I am angry that people who don’t want babies get pregnant without trying, don’t treat their bodies right, and never have a single damn problem. And then me and my friends – people in healthy relationships who truly want to be parents, who go to every appointment and eat right and do everything they’re supposed to… we lose. It makes NO sense. I just can’t put into words how freaking angry it makes me to think about. So I try not to think about it.<\/p>\n
I think the thing that bothers me the most is the emptiness. When I am pregnant – even when it was 2 weeks of freaking out – I felt more than myself. I felt whole again. There was just something in me that glowed with a happy secret. And now it’s gone again.<\/p>\n
The coldness is seeping back in and there is simply nothing else that can fill that hole – not my wonderful husband, my pets, my home, my work. They each have their own space in my heart… but that one still remains broken.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Today I sneezed. A full sneeze, ahhh-choo! This is noteworthy because for the past week and a half I’ve been holding back my sneezes, little atch..oo… because it hurt my poor belly every time. I am really feeling better every day this week. Just Wednesday to Friday my recovery has bounded. Today I didn’t have […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[128],"class_list":["post-1869","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-post-miscarriage"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1869","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1869"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1869\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1871,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1869\/revisions\/1871"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1869"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1869"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1869"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}