I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning… or maybe I finally woke up in reality. But I’m feeling kind of grouchy and wondering what the hell is up. (Not that I don’t know<\/i> what is going on, but… you know.)<\/p>\n
I was expecting two calls today, didn’t get either. I kept checking my voicemail, nothing. It left me wondering if I had the right day, is my phone not working, do I smell funny?<\/p>\n
I have a headache this evening, and the bleeding has started… I could feel it coming all day. Hormone levels must be crashing, the lack of fake estrogen and progesterone plus the sudden removal of all the cause of the HCG has got to lead to a nice big nosedive. No cramping yet, though… kind of odd. I wonder if it will get worse. I’m glad I have the weekend off, just in case it does.<\/p>\n
My belly button is still quite uncomfortable. I’m feeling a little better about moving around, but it’s definitely still reminding me I’ve got a big incision in it. I have not peeled any of the bandaids off yet… to be honest seeing any kind of healing things just makes me gag a little. I may replace the bandaids on the lower incisions, but I have no desire to peek under the big one.<\/p>\n
I wonder how quickly these will heal up. It makes me a little sad, knowing that my next pregnancy’s belly pictures are going to have these scars on them. :( I know it’s not the end of the world, but it just feels so wrong. I guess Den was right… no bikini for me this summer.<\/p>\n
I’m slowly starting to come back to the real world and realizing that tomorrow is the start of the weekend… weekends were supposed to be my celebration days, a new week of pregnancy. I wonder when I’m going to stop counting. I wonder if, in December, I will stop to remember the date. In a way I really just want to forget. Not forget that it happened, but forget all the future “dates” that will never come to be, because it’s not important anymore. Like every time an IVF cycle fails, I delete the pregnancy calendar that could be and start a new one with the new dates. This one I just got to spend a little bit more time believing in… it will be harder to move past.<\/p>\n
I think it’s a fine line for me to walk. I don’t want to ignore it and pretend it didn’t happen, because obviously that’s not how I function. But I also don’t want to give this loss more weight compared to the other challenges I’ve been through. And I’m talking mentally here… how I percieve this, how I portray it to others.<\/p>\n
Here I am again, hand resting gently on my belly, knowing there lays an empty womb below it. And for a fact it has been empty all along, but for a little while I thought it wasn’t. While not too surprizing, it is still so very sad. We thought we had something… but we didn’t.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning… or maybe I finally woke up in reality. But I’m feeling kind of grouchy and wondering what the hell is up. (Not that I don’t know what is going on, but… you know.) I was expecting two calls today, didn’t get […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[128],"class_list":["post-1839","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-post-miscarriage"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1839","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1839"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1839\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1857,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1839\/revisions\/1857"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1839"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1839"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1839"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}