So, as most of you have seen on twitter… those of you who suggested ectopic… DING DING DING, you win. It’s in my right tube.<\/p>\n
I woke up this morning feeling very very bloated. Like, bad. I kept thinking gas, it’s got to be gas. I drank gingerale and water and tried to poop or fart or throw up or *anything* to relieve the pressure. Didn’t work. I kept telling myself, it’s just gas, it’s just gas.<\/p>\n
At my appointment they got me right back. I thought they must have been prepared for me, they’re never that quick. I quickly ran through everything – the bleeding, the bloating, the achy back and “ovary” area. She said, “Well let’s just see what’s going on.” Got my feet in the stirrups, ultrasound wand in, scanned quickly. I saw her measuring my uterus. It looked empty. She said, “I’m sorry, honey, I don’t have good news. It’s ectopic.” She moved the wand and there was a little circle, not in the uterus. Fuck. Fuck.<\/p>\n
I mean, really. Yesterday I sat down and went over the statistics logically. I was probably freaking out needlessly. Stressed, worried, pregnant and gassy. Worst-case scenario, I said, was that it’s ectopic. But I mean, that’s the least likely scenario. I researched it… IVF ectopics happen in like .5-3% of IVF pregnancies, from some sources. It happens, but not likely. And I’m paranoid, right?<\/p>\n
Oh we should be playing the fucking lottery.<\/p>\n
I cried a little, sure I did. Frustration and disappointment and all kinds of crap. But, I knew it, didn’t I. I knew it in my heart. When she first said, “Ectopic,” I just nodded. I knew it wasn’t right.<\/p>\n
This is why I’ve been bleeding the whole time. My body is confused. My uterus is empty, so it tries to bleed, but my hcg is up, so it doesn’t. This is actually a huge relief to me. I knew something was wrong<\/i>. My body doesn’t do that for no reason. I knew SOMETHING was wrong, I just didn’t know what. Even if it was just a subchorionic hematoma, I just wanted to know what it was, why it felt wrong. So this at least answers that. This reassures me that my body wasn’t just bleeding for the hell of it. (And that next time if I start bleeding I’m heading into the office RIGHT NOW.)<\/p>\n
Also, this is why I’m so bloated right now… she said fluid is leaking out the end of my tube into my abdominal cavity.<\/p>\n
I asked if the baby had developed normally. She said no… there was a sac, but it wasn’t measuring right, no heartbeat…. probably because it wasn’t allowed to grow properly in the tube. That made me feel relieved. It would be ten times worse if they had to remove a baby with a beating heart. A hundred times worse.<\/p>\n
She got the doctor in the room. He patted my knee sadly and said he was sorry. He shook his head and said with a sigh, “You called it, didn’t you.” He looked over everything with the ultrasound. When we got dressed he came in to talk to me about it all. At first I thought they’d just give me a shot to induce a miscarriage, but they need to do surgery to remove it. Dr said he *could* try to remove just the pregnancy tissue and leave the tube intact, but that creates scar tissue and *increases* the risk of another ectopic. My thoguhts: a) hell no and b) I don’t need my fucking tube. So I nodded enthusiastically and he set to scheduling the surgery. A laparoscopy, by the by. Might be a larger incision than last time, though.<\/p>\n
So. I hurt more now, physically.. the pain is definitely getting worse. If I hadn’t been thinking something was wrong before now, I most certainly would be today. I want it all gone. I look forward to being put out.<\/p>\n
More pissed off than anything. Totally, utterly pissed. But not really surprized. I think I’ve been grieving in bits and pieces for 2 and a half weeks. Grieved a little when I started bleeding, grieved more yesterday when I just let it all loose. And I never really gained that back. I never really fully believed. I wanted to, I tried to, but I didn’t.<\/p>\n
And, like Den said after we found out, “I really wish you weren’t always right.” Me too. Me too. I so wanted to be wrong.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
So, as most of you have seen on twitter… those of you who suggested ectopic… DING DING DING, you win. It’s in my right tube. I woke up this morning feeling very very bloated. Like, bad. I kept thinking gas, it’s got to be gas. I drank gingerale and water and tried to poop or […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[107],"class_list":["post-1824","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-preg-ectopic"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1824","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1824"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1824\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2108,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1824\/revisions\/2108"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1824"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1824"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1824"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}