When I think of cravings and aversions in pregnancy I usually think first about those cravings that have you driving around town after midnight, or when the sight of something makes you feel sick to your stomach.<\/p>\n
I have neither of those.<\/p>\n
What I do have is hunger and the vague feeling of what I don’t want. Basically I walk around the kitchen, poking and prodding, and nothing I see or think of sounds appetizing. Or it does sound<\/i> good, so I heat it up, take one bite, and then say, “Bleh.” This is driving me a little crazy.<\/p>\n
One of the recent things I like a lot is cucumber. This is “recent” as in the last several months (so not a pregnancy thing), but I think they’re tasting even better. I want them in my sandwiches. There was some cucumber in my salad the other day and I carefully cut it up and rationed it out so that every bite would have cucumber goodness in it. What else can you eat cucumber with? I need ideas here.<\/p>\n
A very recent discovery, so probably pregnancy-related, is that I apparently now like clam chowder. Den had some at dinner the other night (the same dinner I had that salad), and I tried some just because it looked good. And suddenly I wanted some. Then yesterday I stopped somewhere for lunch and they had clam chowder available! I got some and it was really good. This may not sound surprizing to you, however, I do not like clam chowder<\/i>. Or much seafood at all, for that matter. When I told Den what I had for lunch he stared at me wide-eyed.<\/p>\n
For that matter, I still could eat more chowder. Maybe sometime this week we’ll have to go out for soup and salad. (But I still will not be throwing on slippers and going out at midnight for any.)<\/p>\n
I just wish I could find some good snack food to keep around the house… you know, something I actually want to eat. This “bleh” thing is irritating.<\/p>\n
::<\/p>\n
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about Devin, but not in the way you might expect. I always kind of figured that when I got pregnant again it would bring with it a lot of flashbacks, a lot of guilt, a lot of sadness. I’ve heard it enough from other girls, so I just prepared myself for it.<\/p>\n
But I don’t feel it. Not yet, at least. This pregnancy, while it has many things in common with Devin’s, feels very different. It started very different. It had a very different journey to get here. I do not wake up thinking I am still pregnant with Devin.<\/p>\n
And I think a lot of it is because it’s been over a year since I gave birth to Devin. 13 months of griefwork, 13 months of struggling towards acceptance. It took me a large chunk of that to get there, but at some point I settled into my new normal. It’s almost strange for me to think that soon I will be growing a belly. I am sure it will feel familiar when it happens, but it’s been so long it’s faded into an almost-dream… I remember it, but don’t really remember how it feels<\/i>. In many ways it feels like I’m experiencing pregnancy for the first time all over again.<\/p>\n
But, like I said, I think about him often. Being pregnant reminds me of all the things that I loved (and didn’t love quite as much) about pregnancy. Mostly it reminds me of the joy. When I think about being pregnant what I really remember is that feeling overwhelming joy.<\/p>\n
I am so happy that not only am I getting a second chance to experience this, but that my grief has faded enough that this time it is not all about fear. Oh there is a shadow, no doubt – there will always be a lot of fear. But it is not all<\/i> fear. It is not all memories and reminders and grief. I am able to truly experience this as it is. And the memories that I do have are happy ones.<\/p>\n
::<\/p>\n
I am very nervous about Wednesday, but I am trying to just stay positive. I am starting to allow myself to get excited about these next 9 months, starting to believe that maybe this will work… that everything is okay in there. That’s the hard part for me. I accept that I am pregnant, the tests say so, as do all the symptoms. But I don’t know what’s going on inside, and it is extremely difficult to just take it on optimism’s sake that everything is doing well in there, that there’s a healthy baby. This damn bleeding is just like this constant daily reminder that, you know, it’s not a given, there could be something very wrong. Without the bleeding it would be much easier to just relax and believe the symptoms.<\/p>\n
So I’m waiting for Wednesday. Two and a half more days to go.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
When I think of cravings and aversions in pregnancy I usually think first about those cravings that have you driving around town after midnight, or when the sight of something makes you feel sick to your stomach. I have neither of those. What I do have is hunger and the vague feeling of what I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[254,107],"class_list":["post-1807","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-food","tag-preg-ectopic"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1807","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1807"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1807\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2113,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1807\/revisions\/2113"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1807"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1807"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1807"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}