![\"\"](\"http:\/\/img.photobucket.com\/albums\/v240\/lunarmagic\/TTC\/fet1-18dpt-sm.jpg\")
<\/p>\nToday’s HPTs (FRER on the top, Answer on the bottom. The tests may look the same and be made by the same manufacturer, as people say, but the lines on them show up very differently!)<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
![\"\"](\"http:\/\/img.photobucket.com\/albums\/v240\/lunarmagic\/TTC\/fet1-18dpt-sheepie.jpg\")
<\/p>\n
These are the last ones, because they were the only ones left in the house… I do not intend to buy any more!<\/p>\n
::<\/p>\n
My flight back home was something akin to torture. I cannot really tell you why<\/i> I was so stressed out, but I had this horrible feeling of forboding about flying while pregnant and spotting, like somehow the flight would knock something loose and cause a miscarriage in earnest. For the last few days I’ve had a lot of dread about the actual flights.<\/p>\n
Our first flight was a small prop plane, with a lot of noise and a lot of vibration. It was a short flight, thankfully, but I ran to the bathroom afterwards to discover more bright red blood. That seemed to send me into a full-blown panic. I spent the next two flights thinking about my beta and imagining the worst and just feeling sick to my stomach.<\/p>\n
The next two flights revealed only leftover spotting during my many checks during our long layovers. Paranoid much?<\/p>\n
When we got home I immediately got into my car and drove to the clinic to get my blood drawn. It wasn’t really an immediate necessity for them or the cycle, but it was for my sanity. I needed it now<\/i>. And I did feel a kind of peace afterwards… like somehow now I had done everything I could and at least I’d be getting the answer soon.<\/p>\n
Of course, as I posted, the phone call came and it was a good answer. The actual number left me a little lackluster, though. I felt like I ought to be more relieved, but I’m really not. Now I’m hoping that the next beta and the ultrasound next week are what does the trick, but I’m also fairly certain they won’t solve the problem either. Getting the spotting to stop, however, would go a LONG ways towards restoring my sanity. On the (rare) days that I don’t have any new spotting I actually start to perk up a little and start thinking that maybe I can get excited about this. But, damn, every time I see red I have to remind myself that this could end at any time. I do not want this constant reminder.<\/i> I am already WELL aware of the risks. Sigh.<\/p>\n
But just being home has soothed a frayed corner of me. I know that there is nothing that can be done at this point, no matter where I am – and yet all I could think about was getting home and going into the clinic. Not that they could fix anything, but maybe they could give me some information, maybe they could reassure me. And also I find it’s easy to fall into my old routines at work and forget about the worries, forget that I am pregnant for a little while. It is not a bad thing at this point. Perhaps vacation had too much sitting around doing nothing but fretting.<\/p>\n
Regardless, I am home now and with my first beta behind me I am<\/i> starting to feel a little of the tension ebb from my body. Maybe I will sleep well tonight.<\/p>\n
Maybe the spotting will stop. Maybe.<\/p>\n
::<\/p>\n
Good news about the Cherry tree, the tree we planted for Devin: it is not entirely dead, and is budding.<\/p>\n
The bad news about the tree is that only one of the remaining three branches is alive and budding. One fucking branch.<\/p>\n
To be perfectly honest I don’t even know if it’s worth holding on to. We’ll trim it back and that one branch should become the new trunk, but it will never be the same. This year we will not get a new photo of the tree “growing.” It is deformed and stunted – gone backwards instead of forwards, less instead of more. The whole thing just makes me incredibly angry.<\/p>\n
Even if it does keep growing, I’ll never think of it the same way as I did last year. I have cut myself off from it in my mind and heart. It no longer has significance to me. It’s just a damn tree that almost died. Maybe that will change. Maybe it won’t.<\/p>\n
::<\/p>\n
I have mentioned here before about my Oreo girl, my dad’s dog. She is, and always will be, my first baby. She’s nearing 14 years old now. I got her when I was 12. I raised her. I trained her. I loved her. I love her still, even though she lives so far away. I cannot put into words how much of my life has been spent with this dog, how much she has seen me through.<\/p>\n
One of the things I’ve always looked forward to is getting a picture of her with my child. When Devin died I was just devastated – I hadn’t gotten a picture of her with me when I was pregnant. I had nothing of the two of them together. And she is getting older, I really don’t know if she will make it to see my next child.<\/p>\n
So while I was there I made a point to take some pictures of Oreo with Sheepie.<\/p>\n
![\"\"](\"http:\/\/img.photobucket.com\/albums\/v240\/lunarmagic\/Baby\/Memory\/Oreo-Sheepie-1.jpg\")
<\/p>\n
![\"\"](\"http:\/\/img.photobucket.com\/albums\/v240\/lunarmagic\/Baby\/Memory\/Oreo-Sheepie-2.jpg\")
<\/p>\n
They are just so perfect.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Today’s HPTs (FRER on the top, Answer on the bottom. The tests may look the same and be made by the same manufacturer, as people say, but the lines on them show up very differently!) These are the last ones, because they were the only ones left in the house… I do not intend to […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[110,109,87,111,98,107,108,112],"class_list":["post-1772","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-bleeding","tag-fear","tag-fet1","tag-hpt","tag-oreo","tag-preg-ectopic","tag-sheepie","tag-tree"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1772","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1772"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1772\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2119,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1772\/revisions\/2119"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1772"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1772"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1772"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}