One year ago tonight was the last night I slept as a pregnant woman. One year ago I still thought everything was okay.<\/p>\n
::<\/p>\n
Everything I said last night still makes perfect sense – to use the insurance for stims and bank all the embryos we can for future use. I was planning in my mind for a May cycle – whether FET or stims.<\/p>\n
When I walked in to the clinic this morning the staff was all sitting around in their receptionists area. I told the nurse that my period had arrived, and said I didn’t even know it could happen. She said it usually doesn’t – which implies that sometimes it does. I got my blood drawn anyways, just for closure’s sake.<\/p>\n
The voice mail message later in the day confirmed the negative. Not surprizing in the least, considering I’d spent the whole day wincing against cramps. The message also gave me a little bit of info about a FET cycle… that, if we we wanted to, a FET cycle could be done right away. Like, now. Like, starting patches this weekend.<\/p>\n
As much as doing a stims cycle makes sense… as much as waiting two months for a February due date sounds “better” to me… I am really fucking sick of waiting.<\/i> I want a baby now<\/i>. Fuck planning for after I have a baby. Fuck planning due dates. Look at right now<\/i>. I am heartbroken, I am tired, I am just treading water. What could would 2 months do me right now? 2 more months of grief, of sitting around twiddling my damn thumbs and watching people get pregnant all around me.<\/p>\n
One of the reasons this last cycle was not<\/i> a massive failure, despite its poor outcome, is because of those frozen embryos. To me a FET feels like an extension of the original cycle. We get three tries for the price of one. And this<\/i> is one of the reasons I was so adamant that we only transfer one. Transferring two embryos at once only increases your success rate slightly. But transferring one embryo at a time, twice, has a better chance of giving you a baby. And we had three out of one stims. So even though the first one, the fresh one, didn’t work, our chances of getting pregnant out of three transfers is pretty high. This is the thought that keeps me feeling positive and not so beat down and hopeless.<\/p>\n
So for me – for now<\/i> – we are doing an FET. It’s like getting a second chance at this cycle.<\/p>\n
The one concern with an immediate FET is my vacation. I am finally<\/i> getting to go home to visit my family, flights are booked, it’s all set. I leave March 30, for 2 weeks. (And let me tell you, it is a MUCH NEEDED vacation!) I did manage to get ahold of the nurse on my lunch break and ask her about it. She pulled out a calendar and counted out the days. It should be done before I leave, she said. No problems.<\/p>\n
Which means, dear readers, that I have another transfer scheduled in 3 weeks.<\/p>\n
It also means my entire my wait and testing will take place in Canada. I’m not sure what this will mean for a beta – if they’ll do one when I get back, just have me test with pee sticks… not sure. For me I think being away for that period will be really really nice. But to be honest I’m worried about my mom. If it comes out well it will be fabulous… but if it doesn’t? It’s not how I’d want to spend my time home. My mom is taking all of this VERY hard and I don’t want to see her all weepy. :(<\/p>\n
Maybe we should wait. It’s definitely more my MO to wait and plan and make things align in the sky. For some reason I have my eyes set on a February due date, that “feels” nice and round and organized to me. But every time I think about waiting three months I just want to cry. So I’m not going to plan. I’m not going to crunch numbers. I’m not going to worry about where I’ll be for testing or the due date or how this will pan out down the road.<\/p>\n
I’m taking a page from Den’s playbook and just going with it. When I brought up the whole future-children frozen-embryos thing to him he said simply, “We’ll figure it out when we need to worry about it. Who knows what will happen by then.” That’s always been how he’s seen life. Sometimes it drove me crazy (okay, still does a lot of the time). But sometimes it makes an aweful lot of sense.<\/p>\n
Right nowe we just want a baby. Any baby. Any time. The sooner than better. So we’re jumping in with both feet.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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