We drove home mostly in silence. I couldn’t speak – I knew I’d lose it. I got home, went to the bathroom… more blood. I kept hoping it would go away, that it would turn back into “just spotting” and I could relax and get a tiny bit of hope back for tomorrow. But there was just more blood.<\/p>\n
I posted, Den fed the pets. He climbed into bed quietly, and I just sobbed in his arms for a while. We fell asleep… an escape, a short reprieve.<\/p>\n
I woke up feeling better, but I don’t think Den did. I had already gotten most of my anguish and frustration out. I had a feeling I just needed a really good cry… holding it in all day was making it feel worse, just teetering on the edge over and over. But Den… he is quiet. More than subdued, he is mourning. As much as we hold on to each other for support, there are still many times that we just need to sit in silence, separately, and process. This is one of those times. I am grateful we both understand and accept that.<\/p>\n
I get into this habit of thinking that I know what I’m doing and I’m prepared for any outcome – and every cycle has thrown something new at me. I certainly have never gotten AF before stopping my meds after the beta… I didn’t even know it was possible. I will be talking to the nurse tomorrow to just get some answers, but a google search tells me that it does happen to some people, sometimes, in what appears to be a random manner. Lovely.<\/p>\n
I’m already moving into the “what’s next” mode. It’s what always keeps me sane and moving forward, rather than curled up under my bed, refusing to ever come out. The main question on my mind is not one that you all will be expecting… what do we next, a frozen embryo transfer, or another stims cycle? I know, I know, your eyes probably just crossed funny and you said, “What?!” But, see, here’s the thing, I’m thinking ahead. We want two living children. The first one we will get from my current insurance, which has pretty awesome coverage. And then I plan to stay at home and raise my child. Which brings up an obvious problem: how the hell do I get pregnant again? Our frozen embryos neatly solved that problem. We cannot afford a stims cycle without insurance… but a frozen transfer or two we could do. Those frozen embryos were supposed to be my insurance plan for the future while I carried the baby from the stims. Obviously it didn’t work that way.<\/p>\n
There is a part of me that thinks “banking” more embryos for the future while we can is a fabulous idea. But on the other hand… I am really tired of stims. My body is tired. This last one was especially hard on me physically. The idea of just transferring another one feels so… weightless. Effortless. It’s like a second chance at this cycle… the hard part is already done. But then we use one, possibly both of our frozen embryos and puts us in a tough situation for the future.<\/p>\n
So I guess it comes down to, which is more important? The short-term, the “now”? That does make sense, especially given how unreliable the future can be. Maybe planning for 5 years down the road is idiotic and I should just confine my concern for getting pregnant this<\/i> time. I don’t know. We’ll have to think about it.<\/p>\n
The next – and far more obvious – question is: when? After my trip home (April), I know that much. I guess at this point we’re more looking at May or June. I don’t even know the procedure for frozen embryo transfers, how long they want you to wait in between, how long it takes, or anything… I guess I need to do some reading up on it.<\/p>\n
It makes my head hurt. This is all just such bullshit that I even have to think about this. *sigh*<\/p>\n
On the good side, it seems I adjust faster every time. Maybe it was the days of emotional breakdowns I completed in preparation. That probably helped, too.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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