Work is not getting any better. Sometimes I feel like my head is about to burst if I don’t jump to my feet and shriek. It’s not that they are bad<\/i> conversations, it’s just that I don’t want to listen to them all day<\/i>. I want to work<\/i>. I want to distract myself, not spend 4 hours straight getting angrier and angrier at the universe that my baby is dead and I can’t seem to get pregnant again. I am fine<\/i> as long as I am not constantly reminded over and over again. I also got a couple little flashbacks – mostly flashbacks of memories that never were, pictures I cherished in my head for so long and have been diligently working to put out of my mind, like that of bringing home a newborn in a carseat, or listening to their first babble back at mama. It hurts<\/i> to think about what I am missing, and here I am, listening to a dozen reminders day after day. I think I am going a little crazy.<\/p>\n
And no, there is nothing I can do about it. I considered mentioning how hard this is to co-workers, but they can’t help what customers say, and the last thing I want is people shooting me sidelong glances all day and speaking in hushed voices, tiptoeing around me.<\/p>\n
At one point I thought to myself, I have to quit this job, I’m going to go nuts! But then I immediately realized, idiot, I can’t quit until I get pregnant – I need the IVF coverage. And once I get pregnant it won’t hurt quite this goddamn much. Once I’m pregnant again I’ll begin to start appreciating thinking about babies a bit, thinking about the one that is coming. But right now I have nothing.<\/p>\n
::<\/p>\n
One of the ways in which I knew I was starting to heal was that I stopped getting sick every few weeks. I’ve always had a strong immune system, I would just rarely get sick (although when I did it tended to be a whopper, like full strep throat or a horrific flu that lasted for 2 weeks). Even when pregnant I only succumbed after a full day’s flight crammed in an aircraft with many snotty-nosed patrons.<\/p>\n
After Devin died I was a mess. It felt like a I had colds all summer. Some of that turned out to be mild allergies (which is why I felt like it never quite fully went away), but far from all of it. I caught whatever was going around.<\/p>\n
I braced myself for this winter, since I am now working with a lot of people, and I’m working with money. Let’s face it: money is gross and germy. My co-workers all got quite sick back in December, one a time. It skipped me. Right now a cold is going around – I can feel something trying to start. Just a little gross feeling in my throat. So I’m just waiting to see what will come of it.<\/p>\n
I’ll tell you one thing, though: I’ve completely sworn off milk, something I never ever thought I could or would do. Stupid goddamn allergies. I of course experimented, but it’s plain as day: I drink milk, or even have cereal with milk, and my throat feels like sludge all day. Pretty clear cause-and-effect. After a moment of weakness (oh the yummy goodness) I have to suffer through several days of horrible, horrible cravings. But once I’m clean for a week or so then I just sort of get used to drinking water with everything and it’s not so bad. Seriously people, I think I am addicted to milk, no shit. Is that even possible?<\/p>\n
Actually, when I think about it, this icky feeling in my throat could just be my allergies acting up. Maybe it’s time to thoroughly clean the bedroom again.<\/p>\n
This allergy thing is bullshit! (And yes, I do take stuff when I feel I need to – the Zyrtec seems to do nothing, the Claritin did help a little. I need to get more.)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Work is not getting any better. Sometimes I feel like my head is about to burst if I don’t jump to my feet and shriek. It’s not that they are bad conversations, it’s just that I don’t want to listen to them all day. I want to work. I want to distract myself, not spend […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[76,69],"class_list":["post-1487","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-ivf-3","tag-loss"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1487","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1487"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1487\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1488,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1487\/revisions\/1488"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1487"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1487"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1487"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}