I am obsessed with my house plans. Every spare minute that I have I am thinking about my future bathroom, or kitchen, or front door. I recognize this obsession, and accept it for what it is: a diversion.<\/p>\n
Oh, sure, part of it is simply that I love doing this stuff. I have gone through many periods in my life when I became obsessed with sketching out floor plans and imagining what will go where. It’s an obsession that gives me headaches, but at the same time it’s very soothing to me.<\/p>\n
But right now I know that a big part of what I am doing is avoiding. Every cycle I obsess about the dates, the plans, the everything. I spend a lot of time daydreaming about how it will end.<\/p>\n
Not this time. I want nothing to do with it all. That’s not to say that I don’t have it all plotted out – I do. But I mapped out my next two months and then I put it away. Now I am planning the house, a skiing excursion, a trip to my parents. All things that are planned with the knowledge that a pregnancy is possible, but not dependent on it.<\/p>\n
I just don’t want my heart to get broken again. I know damn well that my chances remain at around 50-50. Part of my brain says, last cycle failed, so that means this one should work!<\/i> But I know statistics. I know that what happened before changes nothing. It’s still 50-50. And what do I do if this is the wrong 50 again?<\/p>\n
So, as frustrating as house designing with a husband can be, it’s far better than the alternative.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I am obsessed with my house plans. Every spare minute that I have I am thinking about my future bathroom, or kitchen, or front door. I recognize this obsession, and accept it for what it is: a diversion. Oh, sure, part of it is simply that I love doing this stuff. I have gone through […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[78],"class_list":["post-1474","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","tag-ivf-4"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1474","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1474"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1474\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1475,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1474\/revisions\/1475"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1474"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1474"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1474"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}