I am still remarkably angry and I don’t think it’s going to begin to abate until I get pregnant. I feel other things, of course, but most of all I am just angry and frustrated. There’s no better way to put it. When I see babies or baby-related things – even if it’s announcements from people who have been through the grief of a stillbirth or other loss – it makes my insides crunch together like someone is sitting on my chest. But it’s not just weight, it’s the tears and pain of frustration.<\/p>\n
I realized that this is – and probably will remain – the worst period in my life. I do have the knowledge that IVF works, which is one piece of information I did not have before Devin existed, but still. I am dealing with the overwhelming grief of our loss, and<\/i> the grief of infertility, and the frustration of not being able to cycle right away.<\/p>\n
The combination is trying to kill me, I think. It is hard<\/i> to keep my head above water. I almost feel like the early grieving was much easier… at least it was much more linear and understandable. I took time off, I grieved hard and whole-heartedly. It was a bottomless pit, but at least it was just one pit and you know you’re stuck in it. Now I feel like I’m navigating a minefield. I get out, I fall in, I sidestep, I blow up… it makes no logical sense at all sometimes, and I’m pingponging around. I’m trying to hold on to hope, but how do you really encompass something positive when you feel so goddamn angry all the time?<\/p>\n
No wonder I’m trying to drown myself in work. Maybe after I get pregnant again I’ll be able to back off a bit – when I have something good in my present that I can experience. When I’m pregnant I’ll want to stop and savor those moments, that knowledge. Right now every time I stop I think about how I’m not<\/i> pregnant, do not<\/i> have a baby.<\/p>\n
I know there are other things in life out there. Other good things – probably things I should think about more often. But quite frankly right now I just can’t. The pets piss me off more often than not, the house is a disaster, being social is a hit-or-miss activity. I’ve come to the conclusion that for this month of November I’m probably going to just feel shitty, and maybe I should just accept that and let it be. Just one month. December will be different, for better or for worse. But for right now I’m tired of picking myself up out of pits and falling back in. I’m bruised. I’m sore. I’m tired. And maybe I’m just going to curl up in the bottom of one and take a nap. I’ll deal with climbing out later. I am giving myself permission to just feel shitty.<\/p>\n
3 weeks until my last birth control pill, then another 4 or 5 days until stims. That’s all. I’m setting a note on my calendar, each sunday is one more week down – one week closer to feeling better.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I am still remarkably angry and I don’t think it’s going to begin to abate until I get pregnant. I feel other things, of course, but most of all I am just angry and frustrated. There’s no better way to put it. When I see babies or baby-related things – even if it’s announcements from […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[76,69],"class_list":["post-1342","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-ivf-3","tag-loss"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1342","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1342"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1342\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1342"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1342"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1342"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}