I am not pregnant.<\/p>\n
For a few days there I was really wondering. My period has never<\/i> been this late – ever. I know I was sick and all, but I’m over a week late, even by my longer post-pregnancy cycle standards. Could it be possible…?<\/p>\n
I didn’t want to take a test. For the first time I really understood those people who willingly avoid testing, even when it’s pretty obvious they are late and having symptoms. I understand that fear of the blank white strip, the negative. I really, really didn’t want to see it again… I didn’t want to sit there and wait, holding my breath, hand shaking as I held the test and waited for it to develop… only to be disappointed. Again. I’ve seen far too many negatives in my life, and I’m sick of them. I’m sick of the disappointment, I’m sick of throwing them in the trash month after month.<\/p>\n
I was going to test Sunday, but then that fear, that desire to avoid yet another negative, butted in and I said I’d test Tuesday.<\/p>\n
Well I spent all Sunday trying desperately to stop thinking about and realized it was futile. And idiotic. By trying to avoid one thing I had brought upon myself something apparently worse. The not knowing, the what-if’s… they’ll drive you insane.<\/p>\n
So this morning, bright and early (actually it was dark out) I took a test. And it was, as expected, stark white with one line. Not two. Not even a hint of two. Same as freaking usual. So I’m heading into cycle day 40, definitively not<\/i> pregnant, and no freakin’ clue what’s going on. (And before you say, “But you could still be pregnant, and it’s too early to tell!” let me point out that the only time we had sex was over 18 days ago. So it would either be obviously<\/i> positive were I pregnant, or it’s a flippin’ virgin conception.)<\/p>\n
I have to admit, I think I’m slightly relieved. That sounds weird, I know. But I have everything set up for a December cycle, I’ve really gotten attached to the idea of a September due date. I have my wisdom teeth surgery next week. I need to do better with my eating and preparing my body. I feel like I need a month here to prepare myself. Of course my hands were shaking when I took the test. Of course I would have screamed and cried in joy if it actually had been positive. But I’m not at all surprized and in a way I feel like I need this respite.<\/p>\n
My main concern right now is that without my period I cannot schedule my sonohistogram, and without my sonohistogram I cannot get insurance approval for IVF, and without insurance approval I don’t cycle in December. This<\/i> is what is upsetting me. So I’m not pregnant. Again. I get that. I’m okay with that. I didn’t expect it anyways. But for fuck’s sake, don’t screw up my plans.<\/p>\n
My plan for the moment is to go on the pill when my period comes. This serves dual purposes: it keeps me from what-ifing yet again and driving myself crazy next cycle, and it will shorten my cycle. Possibly doing two cycles of the pill will get me back on track… but of course that will depend on when AF decides to show up. I’m going to call the IVF nurses tomorrow, I think, to ask them what options I have for my cycle besides endlessly waiting, and if taking the BCP is okay.<\/p>\n
I am just really in such a state of shock and anger and frustration that my body has decided to pull this stunt on me now. Not that there’s ever a good<\/i> time for your period to go AWOL, but it’s definitely preferred to happen when I am not<\/i> planning an IVF cycle in the near future.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I am not pregnant. For a few days there I was really wondering. My period has never been this late – ever. I know I was sick and all, but I’m over a week late, even by my longer post-pregnancy cycle standards. Could it be possible…? I didn’t want to take a test. For the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[76,74],"class_list":["post-1327","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-ivf-3","tag-ttc2"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1327","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1327"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1327\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1327"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1327"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1327"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}