Work is going well. I’m picking things up quickly and settling in, and I like being busy. Plus, compared to the hard physical labor I do at my other job, sitting at a computer typing all day seems like cake.<\/p>\n
However, there is a lot of downtime. Even on “busy” days, there are periods where there are no customers. Some of them pull out books. Many of them start chatting, frequently baby things. I just want to keep busy. Just give me something to do so I don’t have to sit here with nothing to occupy my mind. Especially<\/i> not when you’re talking about ultrasounds. Or how much the pregnant one has “popped”. I can’t stop looking… her belly is big. She’s right around when I lost Devin… maybe a little earlier (but is bigger than I was, IMO).<\/p>\n
Today there was one of those downtimes and the other ladies start gathering. I glance over to see one of the coworkers came in on her day off… with her baby. Remember when I mentioned the baby boy that was born in February? Yeah, that one.<\/p>\n
I averted my eyes, like usual. Felt my mouth tighten slightly. The kid got passed around from lady to lady and someone brought him down to my end. I smiled politely at the kid, my thoughts and emotions shielded, like every time I see a baby. But as I glanced up at the kid I suddenly felt like someone was sitting on my chest. It was like looking in a mirror, showing me what Devin should be right now. A smiling baby on someone’s hip, mischevious and inquisitive. I quietly and quickly left the room and just started gasping for air. I literally couldn’t breathe, my chest was so tight.<\/p>\n
I remember walking back and forth in the break room thinking that this was the first time I really tried to hold in my grief. Here I am at work, with makeup on, and I just know if I start bawling it’s not going to stop. I cannot<\/i> lose it right now. But in 6 months I have never not<\/i> cried when I felt overwhelmed. I don’t cry a lot anymore, but when I have to I just curl up on the couch and bawl. It’s a horrible feeling to stifle it.<\/p>\n
One of the ladies came back and asked if I was okay. I mentioned that it was hard, he was the same age my boy would be. She said, “Oh, I’m sorry… I didn’t think about that.” I didn’t really expect them to… I wasn’t very specific.<\/p>\n
Now I can’t get the image out of my head, the image of my son as a live, healthy baby. It tears my heart in two. <\/p>\n
Please, please universe. Give me another chance at this mom thing. Please give me something good to hold onto. Please give me another pregnancy and, this time, a healthy baby.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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