I’ve been watching a lot of Olympic coverage. I don’t remember watching much of the previous Olympics, even though for the last winter and summer Olympics I must have been here in this house. I vaguely remember flipping through some things. But this year it’s become a routine for us… we come home, eat something, turn on the Olympic coverage and watch until we absolutely have to turn it off and get some sleep. It’s enjoyable. It’s something for us to do together.<\/p>\n
I still have serious doubts as to whether or not that tree is going to live. I walk out there every day with an air of disappointment and despair. I’d beg it to live, but I’m far past the point where I believe that good will or intentions prevent bad things from happening. It will either die or it won’t, and there is little more I can do about it at this point. I am following the instructions. I’ve done what I can – the rest is up to the universe and how bad 2008 is going to suck overall.<\/p>\n
The top half of the tree was just laying on the lawn beside the rest of the tree where the arborist left it. Initially I was going to toss it in the woods, though I also had a very strong wish to throw it in the woodchipper with a scream and many tears. Instead, today, I picked it up and carried it inside. I sat it on my desk behind my monitor, half a tree. I cannot decide if it is comforting or depressing. But I know I can’t quite let it go right now.<\/p>\n
I aleady have plans to plant a new tree. Originally it was an “if this tree dies” plan, but I’m thinking I might do it anyways. I get sad thinking about how a cherry tree only lives 20 to 30 years – something we did not know when we planted it. (Note to others: do research before planting a memorial tree. Apparently fruit trees, while very symbolic, aren’t exactly the best choice for this.) So I’ve been thinking about a maple tree of some sort…. I’ve always loved my parents’ variegated maples, and we have a huge, gorgeous japanese maple that we both adore. Den doesn’t want a huge tree in the front, so I’ll probably pick somewhere out back. I really love the idea of a tree being around long after we are gone. As long as it outlives me. My children can deal with it then, and it won’t really matter. If this cherry dies, Den may very well want to replace it with a new fruit tree, and I’m totally fine with that. I’ve had to get used to the idea of two trees, but this whole ordeal has forced me to accept what I did not want to… to view things in a different way.<\/p>\n
After thinking about all of this for a little while today I went out back to my small vegetable garden (which doesn’t hold much anymore, and is getting a little overgrown) to look at the small japanese maple trees I re-planted this year. Every year we get tons of seedlings sprouting around our yard from the big tree, and this year I finally hunted down some good ones and transplanted them to a safe corner of my garden where I can nurse them. The smallest ones started this year; the larger two I rescued from quieter spots in the yard where they had been left undisturbed since their sprouting last year. I thought to myself, wouldn’t that be fitting? A tree that sprouted last year… when Devin’s little egg was just turning into an embryo. Possibly a good choice. So I will watch these little trees and see if I want to choose one of them. But I’m still quite fond of the idea of a variegated maple – we do not have one of those yet. Either way I will decide next year… on his birthday, or his due-date-birthday (because March 6 may still be too early to plant a new tree).<\/p>\n
I had this plan, you see. A plan that this cherry tree would be His Tree, and I would take photos of it every year for his scrapbook, that we’d take photos of us with it, our future children with it. That it would be a thread running through our lives, a way for him to be with us. We started this year. I took photos of it of us with it, I made scrapbook pages. The very real possibility that it won’t be there next year, that we’ll have to start again with a new tree, leaves me feeling so lost. I need something<\/i> to cling to, goddamnit. I need some kind of thread that will carry me from this year to the next. I cannot start fresh every year. That takes all the meaning out of it.<\/p>\n
Dear Universe: YOU SUCK. You took my fertility, you took my son, and now you’re taking his damn tree, too. Throw me a fucking BONE, will you please.<\/p>\n
I am very, very angry, and I do not like feeling this way. I miss the person I used to be… naive and foolish as she was. At least she was happy. At least she believed that things could work out for the best. I feel like I walk around every day with a 50lb weight strapped to my back. I just feel like weeping because I am so damn tired of not being able to stand up straight.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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