I had an interview today for a job. A job that is not close and will be a bit of a pain to drive to, but comes with health insurance. And I’m going to double-check just to be sure<\/i>, because at this point I’m feeling all sorts of anxiety about lots of different things, but it’s health insurance that should cover IVF. The interview went very well and I do not anticipate any problems with my references. I expect to be offered the job sometime next week.<\/p>\n
I am, quite honestly, kind of terrified. It’s an easy job – a bank teller – but I have this pit of fear in my stomach. Starting a new job means meeting new people, learning new skills, struggling to figure it all out and hoping you’re doing a good job of it. Starting a new job [almost] always sucks. I haven’t held a real job like this for over three years. Actually, it’s been closer to 6 years for this type of formal business job – the rest were working with instructors and peers at my college (which I find a lot less stressful, since I already knew them). Den just keeps looking at me funny and saying, “It’s a job as a teller<\/i>.” I know that. But I just keep thinking, what if I screw up? It’s not like they’re going to just throw me to the customers and expect me to figure it out as I go along, but gah. I’m just so nervous.<\/p>\n
I just have so much swirling around this job. The possibility of IVF is huge and makes this job Important (thus more anxiety). If this all works out we could be looking at starting IVF in Nov\/Dec.<\/p>\n
But then I think… I’m not supposed to be doing this. I’m supposed to be raising a baby right now. And I’m just terrified about taking this step forward into accepting our current situation. I’ve been keeping my schedule completely open and flexible for three years now, anticipating the baby that will “soon” be here to look after. Filling that just seems so scary to me. And it’s not like I can’t or won’t quit the job to stay home with a child when one comes along. It’s not like I’m signing my life over here. But somehow, to me, this signifies an acceptance of something that I don’t really want to accept.<\/p>\n
But I’m not a mommy – not to a child here on earth. I do not have responsibilities keeping me home. In fact, staying home is making me more than a little stir-crazy and this may very well be the thing that I need to get myself sorted out.<\/p>\n
And it’s time. I’ve spent the last four and a half months grieving. Waiting. Now it’s time to start living.<\/p>\n
I am not really very good with change. Can you tell?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I had an interview today for a job. A job that is not close and will be a bit of a pain to drive to, but comes with health insurance. And I’m going to double-check just to be sure, because at this point I’m feeling all sorts of anxiety about lots of different things, but […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[76,69,74],"class_list":["post-1226","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-ivf-3","tag-loss","tag-ttc2"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1226","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1226"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1226\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1226"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1226"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1226"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}