I feel selfish. I retreat into my little hole. I am scared, uncertain.<\/p>\n
I am angry. Not the usual anger, either; I am angry at myself. Not just at not being able to figure things out, but angry that I am so upset by this that I am frozen. I have been jittery, anxious. I watched TV shows all day in an attempt to numb myself, hoping that by the time I was tired I’d forget about everything else. It didn’t work. Every time the show stopped I returned to this. This unease. This disappointment.<\/p>\n
I don’t like feeling like this. I hate<\/i> feeling like this. I’ve spent most of my life wishing I could make it go away. Thankfully, with the meds, I can make a lot of it go away. It used to be impossible to turn off my brain, and now it only happens once in a while. I feel lucky for that. It was near to impossible to function with that buzzing in my ear, wearing me down. But days like this I still feel the same. I feel like that same lost, frightened girl I used to be, looking for something to hold on to. I am, but I’m not. I can’t decide.<\/p>\n
I tell myself, over and over again, that it’s all okay. That it’s fine – even if things don’t work out the way I thought they would that it’s okay. Even if the plans change. Even if I’m adrift for the moment. That, somehow, things will find a new path and I’ll be okay again. I always am. But damnit, I get scared<\/i>. I get so scared thinking that this<\/i> is the reality and the other is just made-up. That I am not in control, I am not strong, I am not happy. That instead I am really this: small, scared, just along for the ride.<\/p>\n
Losing Devin is supposed to be so important. Losing Devin is<\/i> so important. So why am I so upset over something small and stupid? What does it matter<\/i> what else happens? Why do I care so much what others think of me? I don’t want it to matter. I don’t want to care.<\/p>\n
When did life creep back up on me? When did the normal fears and worries and frustrations become a part of my thought processes? Sometimes, times like this, I want to go back to when I hurt so badly I didn’t care at all about anything else in the world. At least then I had only one thing to worry about. At least then it felt understandable.<\/p>\n
I’ll figure it out. Or at least, I’ll get on top of this emotional snag. Just give me a day or two… maybe I’ll wake up feeling fine. But damn do I hate feeling like this.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I feel selfish. I retreat into my little hole. I am scared, uncertain. I am angry. Not the usual anger, either; I am angry at myself. Not just at not being able to figure things out, but angry that I am so upset by this that I am frozen. I have been jittery, anxious. I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[76,69],"class_list":["post-1215","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-ivf-3","tag-loss"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1215","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1215"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1215\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1215"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1215"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1215"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}