Everyone knows how a huge blow like losing a child can knock you down. You think of course I’m not functioning right now. It’s obvious.<\/i> You give yourself leeway and understanding.<\/p>\n
But no one talks about how the little blows can be just as devastating to one’s sense of self… one’s sense of worth. You think Well shit, I can’t even handle this? What am I good for?<\/i> There is no leeway, no understanding. There is frustration and anger. I think those can be harder to get up from.<\/p>\n
I just don’t know who I am anymore. I feel like a failure in so many ways. I gave myself leeway when I was pregnant, I gave myself leeway when Devin died, but now I’m left wondering, what if I just can’t do this? What if I, as intelligent as I am, am just not strong enough to handle this? How can I, will all my skills and knowledge, be so incapable of completeing anything<\/i>? I am famous for starting projects and never finishing them. I always feel like I am two steps behind, struggling to catch up, struggling to keep on top of things. I am worn down. I am tired. And I just can’t find it in me to keep trying to pick myself back up.<\/p>\n
I am glad I am looking to return to college because that seems to be the one thing I am good<\/i> at. I completed my Bachelor’s Degree after 4 years of full-time classes, and graduated with a 3.85 GPA. I cling to that far more than I should, but some days it feels like the only thing I’ve ever excelled at, ever followed through on.<\/p>\n
I’ve felt for years now that I just don’t know what direction my life was supposed to take. I completed that whole degree and then realized I don’t think I’m cut out for that kind of career – I don’t enjoy it enough. So I dabble here and dabble there. I know I’m only 25, but I feel like the world expects me to know what I want to do with my life by now. I’m supposed to have a job, have a career… I’m supposed to be on the road to making lots of money and repaying society for the education I received. At least when I was 18 I had opportunities, I had choices. Now I’ve travelled down some of the paths and find that I don’t like them. I’ve turned around, I’ve changed direction. Now I am more lost than ever. Hitting those dead-ends really makes me question myself and wonder if I’ll ever find a path, or maybe I’m just not strong enough to get through the obstacles in my way.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Everyone knows how a huge blow like losing a child can knock you down. You think of course I’m not functioning right now. It’s obvious. You give yourself leeway and understanding. But no one talks about how the little blows can be just as devastating to one’s sense of self… one’s sense of worth. You […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":71,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[76,69],"class_list":["post-1214","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-ivf-3","tag-loss"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1214","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/71"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1214"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1214\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1214"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1214"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/lunardreams.net\/baby\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1214"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}